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Discussion in 'Other Chatter' started by nickliv, Dec 4, 2010.
What do you call a man without a shovel on his head?
I would like to congratulate Richard III for getting a council parking space for 500 years - the last time I drove into town I struggled to get one for thirty minutes........
I don't see the missus and kids any more and it's all due to gambling....
...I won a shedload of money and moved to Spain.
I was that ugly as a baby, I had a 12 inch flange on my dummy. (Ken Dodd )
My mate just phoned me, in tears. His wife left him and took his Bob Marley collection and the satellite dish
Poor fella....no woman... no sky
Abstinence makes the church grow fondlers
I love messing with the tech support guys.
"No, my name is Perry not Terry, Perry with a P not T..... Like in pterodactyl"
touched by nature
When you go through the drive through, be sure to specify your order is "to go."
Next time youre in starbucks and the barista asks your name, tell em its Spartacus and see who else joins in.
Hunting in Germany?
A Californian and an Arizonian were Elk hunting in the Arizona mountains when an illegal alien runs across a clearing.
The Arizonian takes careful aim, shoots, and kills him.
"You can't do that!" cried the Californian.
"It's legal here in Arizona " replies the Arizonian.
Later that night the Californian goes to town to buy some beer
from Wal-Mart. He puts the beer on the roof of his truck and while
he's making room behind the seat, an illegal alien runs by, grabs
the beer, and runs away.
The Californian draws his pistol, shoots, and kills him.
As he is retrieving his beer the police come and arrest him.
"But I thought it was legal to shoot illegal aliens here in Arizona !"
protests the Californian.
"Well yeah," says the cop, "but you can't use bait."
Not really a joke but........................
FIFTY SHADES OF GREY - (a husband's point of view)
The missus bought a Paperback,
down Shepton Mallet way,
I had a look inside her bag;
... T'was "Fifty Shades of Grey".
Well I just left her to it,
At ten I went to bed.
An hour later she appeared;
The sight filled me with dread...
In her left she held a rope;
And in her right a whip!
She threw them down upon the floor,
And then began to strip.
Well fifty years or so ago;
I might have had a peek;
But Mabel hasn't weathered well;
She's eighty four next week!!
Watching Mabel bump and grind;
Could not have been much grimmer.
And things then went from bad to worse;
She toppled off her Zimmer!
She struggled back upon her feet;
A couple minutes later;
She put her teeth back in and said
I am a dominater !!
Now if you knew our Mabel,
You'd see just why I spluttered,
I'd spent two months in traction
For the last complaint I'd uttered.
She stood there nude and naked
Bent forward just a bit
I went to hold her, sensual like
and stood on her left tit!
Mabel screamed, her teeth shot out;
My god what had I done!?
She moaned and groaned then shouted out:
"Step on the other one"!!
Well readers, I can't tell no more;
About what occurred that day.
Suffice to say my jet black hair,
Turned fifty shades of grey.
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The driver says: 'Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!" The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to the man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!" The man says: "You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you."
"I said to the gym teacher: 'Can you teach me to do the splits?' He said: 'How flexible are you?' I said: 'I can't make Tuesdays.'"
I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week. I rang her up to arrange a date, but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs.
Lesson 1: Naked Wife
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, “I’ll give you $800 to drop that towel.” After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked ...in front of Bob.
After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 dollars and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks,…
“Who was that?” “It was Bob the next door neighbor,” she replies. “Great!” the husband says, “Did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?”
Hunting picture of a Vegetarian with his trophy kill.