Stoopid jokes

  • Hey Guest, We've had to cancel our 2020 Summer BushMoot PLEASE LOOK HERE for more information.

shogun

Need to contact Admin...
Mar 31, 2009
747
0
U.K
what..do..you..call...a.dog..with..No..legs..and..metal..balls..running..down..the..road.....SPARKY!!
 

brambles

Settler
Apr 26, 2012
736
27
Aberdeenshire
Four guys have been going to the same fishing trip for many years. Two days before the group is to leave, Ron's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.

Ron's mates are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do. Two days later the three mates get to the camping site only to find Ron sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and dinner cooking on the fire.

"Wow Ron, how long you been here? How did you talk your missus into letting you go?"

"Well, I've been here since last night. After dinner at home yesterday evening, I was sitting in my chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said, 'Guess who?'

I pulled her hands off, and she was wearing sexy brand new lingerie. She said she had been reading 'Fifty Shades of Grey' and she had a devilish look in her eyes!!!

She took my hand and led me to our bedroom. The room had candles and rose petals all over.

On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes!

She told me to tie her up and cuff her to the bed, so I did.

And then she said, 'Do whatever you want.'

So . . . . here I am!"
 

Opal

Native
Dec 26, 2008
1,022
0
Liverpool
A policeman came to my house, showed me a picture and asked, “Is this your wife, Sir? I answered, “Yes.” Then he said, “I’m afraid it looks like she’s been hit by a bus.”

“I know, but she’s good with the kids” I replied.
 

rik_uk3

Banned
Jun 10, 2006
13,320
20
65
south wales
I'd just started duty on the ward and saw a new patient standing by his bed, gripping the bed rail, knuckles white and his eye bulging out. I asked the doctor what was wrong with the patient and he said he'd been admitted with a persistent, loud cough. "What have you given him to stop the cough" I asked

"Fifteen laxative tablets......he's too scared to cough now"
 
  • Like
Reactions: Native Nathan

Manacles

Settler
Jan 27, 2011
596
0
No longer active on BCUK
A woman's dog is drowning in the sea. A passing German tourist dives in, pulls out the dog, resuscitates it and saves its life.


'Are you a vet?' asked the woman

'Vet?' said the German 'Im f...ing soaked!'



A rather disheveled man is stopped by the police around 1 am and is asked where he is going at this time of night.
The man replies,“I am going to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body”.
The officer then asks,“Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?”


The man replies,“My wife.”
Excellent!
 

oldtimer

Full Member
Q What's grey and has a trunk?
A A mouse going on a cruise.

Q What's brown and has a trunk?
A A mouse coming back from a cruise.

Q What has two legs and flies?
A A pair of trousers.

(I knew 30 years experience in Primary Education would come in useful someday!)
 

Manacles

Settler
Jan 27, 2011
596
0
No longer active on BCUK
Q What's grey and has a trunk?
A A mouse going on a cruise.

Q What's brown and has a trunk?
A A mouse coming back from a cruise.

Q What has two legs and flies?
A A pair of trousers.

(I knew 30 years experience in Primary Education would come in useful someday!)
And in the same vein:

What has six wheels and flies round? A dustcart......
 

Imagedude

Full Member
Feb 24, 2011
1,968
8
Gwynedd
I went into a bookshop yesterday and said, ' I hope you don't have a book on reverse pyschology. '


Every day is ground hog day for me. I work in a factory making pork sausages.


At the Severn Bridge in my Lada, the attendant said, "£5.40." Not believing my luck, I said, "Sold."
 

S.C.M.

Nomad
Jul 4, 2012
257
0
Algarve, Portugal
What's black and white and black and white and black and white?
A penguin rolling down a hill

Why do elephants paint their feet yellow?
So they can hide upside-down in the butter

someone did the elephant in the fridge one, followed by the zebra one, so:
There was a big party on the Savvanah, eveyone came, apart from one animal, which one?
The zebra, it was still in the fridge

Knock knock
Who's there?
Amos
Amos who?
a mosquito just bit me!

Knock knock
Who's there?
Ana
Ana who?
an another one too!

How do elephants climb trees?
Sit on an acorn and wait til it grows

How do they get down again?
Sit on a leaf and wait for autumn.

What do you call a one-eyed dinosaur?
A Doyethinkesaurus

What do you call a man with a spade in his head? Doug!