Stoopid jokes

[rancid badger]

Ever since this snow started 8 days ago, our lass has been staring through the window.

If she doesn't stop soon; I'll have to let her back in.

 

[Bigfoot]

What kind of biscuits fly?

Plain ones!

And the shortest joke in the world :-

A man walks in to an optician's

Ooof!

 

[Harvestman]

A horse walks into a bar, and orders a pint. The barman say "So, why the long face?"

A polar bear walks into a bar and says "I'll a have a pint please, and .... . . . . . . . . .... a packet of crisps"
"Certainly sir" says the barman, "But why the big pause?"

A skelteon walks into a bar and orders a pint and a mop.

 

[Bushwhacker]

I always like to shoehorn this into a conversation.


"He's a big-headed bugger isn't he?"

"Who?"

"Humpty Dumpty."

 

[Mang]

Gbna is bang out of order

6 out of 7 of Snow white's dwarfs aren't happy

Kid through some plastercine at me the other day, didn't know what to make of it.

 

[Melonfish]

a man walks into a bar, suddenly the cigarette machine shouts "OI! FATTY WANT A PUNCH IN THE MOUTH?!"
he skirts round the machine and sits at the bar where a bowl of peanuts states "My aren't we a handsome chap, i do like that jacket on you"
So he says to the barman "What gives?"
"Well" says the barman "The cigarette machine is out of order and the nuts are complimentary"

 

[drewdunnrespect]

another version of cyclepath joke

the m25 was sat in the bar and this piece of tarmac walks in and says i am the m1 and i am the hardest piece of tarmac in the land no one is harder then while he is having a drink the m25 walks over says excuse me but i am the m25 and i am the hardest piece of tarmac in the land not you

so this starts an argument at the bar and everyone is getting involved saying who the thinks harder. Then it all goes quiet alll of a sudden cos this red piece of tarmac walks in and ask for a whiskey and downs it and leaves. then once this has happened the m25 turns back to the m1 and he isnt there instead he is sitting like a scaredy cat behind the bar pooing himself so m25 burst out laughing and says i thought you was the hardest piece of tarmac in the land. and the a1 shakely says i am but still you dont mess with him he's a cycopath

 

[mrmel]

A magic tractor turned into a field!!!

 

[Bushwhacker]

Someone called me pretentious the other day.

I nearly choked on my latte.

 

[Paul72]

What's white and swings through the jungle?

Tarzan's fridge


What's blue and white and swings through the jungle?

Tarzan's fridge wearing a denim jacket

 

[wanderingblade]

A woman's dog is drowning in the sea. A passing German tourist dives in, pulls out the dog, resuscitates it and saves its life.


'Are you a vet?' asked the woman

'Vet?' said the German 'Im f...ing soaked!'



A rather disheveled man is stopped by the police around 1 am and is asked where he is going at this time of night.
The man replies,“I am going to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body”.
The officer then asks,“Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?”


The man replies,“My wife.”

 

[Darkside]

I always like to shoehorn this into a conversation.


"He's a big-headed bugger isn't he?"

"Who?"

"Humpty Dumpty."

I do the same with
"He's leaving Friday"
"Who is?"
"Robinson Crusoe!"

 

[Mesquite]

All I can say is heaven help all the folks who go to Rough Close when Decorum reads these jokes..... :yikes:

 

[BarryG]

Albinos – you can’t say fairer than that!

 

[BarryG]

When it comes to cosmetic surgery… a lot of people turn their noses up.

 

[Melonfish]

At the start of ww1 a father approaches his son to explain he has to go and fight for his country. Nodding his son asks that he brings him something back from the battlefield perhaps a German army helmet you know the one with a spike on. And so weeks later on the mud soaked field of Flanders the father sees a German helmet lying in the mud. Bending to pick it up he finds that it is stuck. Until he sees there’s still a German solider attached to it.
'if you pull me out of ze dirt, you can tek me prisoner' says the german. 'If i pull you out can i have your helmet for my son?' asks the brit. 'Ja be my guest!' replies the german.
And so with great effort he begins to pull the solider from the ground. But after 1/2 an hour hes only got the german out to his waist. 'Im bloody knackered' says the brit catching his breath.
'Vud it help', replies the german solider, 'iff i took my feet out of ze stirrups?'

 

[Shambling Shaman]

I've just found out why Santa is so jolly....



Hes got a list with all the naughty girls on it............

 

[Miyagi]

Albinos – you can’t say fairer than that!

Hahahaha - subtle mate, very subtle.

 

[No Idea]

Due to the hight number of teenage pregnancies, the government has decided to get all companies to distribute free condoms.

In exchange for meeting the cost of doing this, the companys will be allowed to print their logos on them.

The condoms are just becoming available from the first few outlets.

Lloyds, the home of the horse

McDonalds, Im loving it.

Nike, just do it

Burger king, the home of the whopper

Ariel, another load off your mind

Abbey National. lifes complicated enough

Duracell, just goes on and on

Sainsburys, taste the difference

Tescos, very little helps....

Pringles and Polo have been asked not to participate.

 

[royce22]

Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper?

He sold his soul to Santa...



yeah I know sorry......