Stoopid jokes

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nickliv

Settler
Oct 2, 2009
755
0
Aberdeenshire
A reporter says to an Israeli, a Russian and an American, "Excuse me, can I get your opinion on the food shortage in Africa?"

The Russian says: "What's an opinion?" The American says: "What's a shortage?" and the Israeli says: "What's 'Excuse me'?"
 

treefrog

Full Member
Aug 4, 2008
638
26
South Yorkshire
I called the RSPCA today and said, "I've just found a suitcase in the woods containing a fox and four cubs."


"That's terrible," she replied. "Are they moving?"


"I'm not sure, to be honest," I said, "But that would explain the suitcase."
 

Hile_Troy

Need to contact Admin...
May 2, 2013
77
0
Stalybridge
Jimmy Carr, trying for the shortest joke possible...

4 words: Venison's dear isn't it?
3 words: Stationery shop moves
and finally, his 2 word joke: Dwarf shortage

My fave is 'what's brown and sticky, a stick'

Cheese gags:
What cheese do you use to hide a horse?
Mascarpone

What cheese do you use to hurry up a grizzly?
Camembert

When does cheese not belong to you?
When it's Nacho cheese

And this one is from 'The Curious Incident of The Dog in the Nighttime' by Mark Haddon. I adore this gag, it speaks to my latent OCD and love of precision:

There are three men on a train. One of them is an economist and one of them is a logician and one of them is a mathematician. And they have just crossed the border into Scotland (I don't know why they are going to Scotland) and they see a brown cow standing in a field from the window of the train (and the cow is standing parallel to the train). And the economist says, 'Look, the cows in Scotland are brown.' And the logician says, 'No. There are cows in Scotland of which at least one is brown.' And the mathematician says, 'No. There is at least one cow in Scotland, of which one side appears to be brown.

Love that gag.
 

santaman2000

M.A.B (Mad About Bushcraft)
Jan 15, 2011
16,653
960
63
Florida
Bob walked into a sports bar around 9:58 PM. He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV.
The 10 PM news was coming on. The news crew was covering the story of a man on the ledge of a large building preparing to jump.
The blonde looked at Bob and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"
Bob said, "You know, I bet he'll jump."
The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."
Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, "You're on!"
Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death.
The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to Bob. "Fair's fair. Here's your money."
Bob replied, "I can't take your money. I saw this earlier on the 5 PM news, so I knew he would jump."
The blonde replied, "I did, too, but I didn't think he'd do it again."
Bob took the money.



This is mythical and deep ... Truly beautiful.
A man asked an American Indian what was his wife's name.
He replied, "She is called Five Horses".
The man said, "That's an unusual name for a wife. What does it mean?"
The Old Indian answered, "It old Indian name. It mean .."NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG!"
 

Goatboy

Full Member
Jan 31, 2005
14,956
11
Scotland

My ex-wife started taking flying lessons about the time our divorce started and she got her license shortly before our divorce was final, later that same year.

Yesterday afternoon I got a phone call, that she narrowly escaped injury in the aircraft she was piloting. Seems she was forced to make an emergency landing in Perth because of bad weather.

Thank God the kids weren't with her.

The CAA issued a preliminary report, citing pilot error: - She was flying a single engine aircraft in IFR (instrument flight rating) conditions while only having obtained a VFR (visual flight rating).

The absence of a post-crash fire was likely due to insufficient fuel on board.

No one on the ground was injured.

The photograph below was taken at the scene to show the extent of damage to her aircraft.


She was really lucky.
 

santaman2000

M.A.B (Mad About Bushcraft)
Jan 15, 2011
16,653
960
63
Florida
"Hello, is this the Police?"
"Yes. What do you want?"
"I'm calling to report about my neighbor Billy Smith! He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood."
"Thank you very much for the call, sir."
The next day, the Police descend on Billy’s house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They swore at Billy and left.
... The phone rings at Billy's house: "Hey, Billy Bob! Did the Police come?"
"Yeah!"
"Did they chop your firewood?"
"Yep."
"Merry Christmas, Buddy
 
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Goatboy

Full Member
Jan 31, 2005
14,956
11
Scotland
A man goes to the doctor and says, "Doc., everytime I drink coffee, I get terrible pains in my eye."
The doctor says, "Try taking the spoon out first."
 

Goatboy

Full Member
Jan 31, 2005
14,956
11
Scotland
  • Did you hear about the guy who got run over by a steam train? He was chuffed to bits.
  • I walked into a shop and a man threw cheese, cream and butter at me. How dairy?!
  • I've lost over half a stone on the Adam Ant diet. It's really easy...don't chew ever, don't chew ever.
 

The Survivor

Nomad
Feb 1, 2013
408
0
24
On Earth
There was an English man, a Scottish man and an Irish man on a train. They had one cup to drink from each.

So they did not mix them up, they made them all different from one another.

The english man (being an english man) kept his the same, not changing anything.

The scottish man (being a scot) tore the top off his cup.

The irish man (being an irish man) cut the bottom out his cup.