Stoopid jokes

[Goatboy]

• What do you say to a hitchhiker with one leg?
  Hop in.
• Did you hear about the magic Tractor?
  It turned into a field.
• How do you get two whales in a mini?

Across the Severn bridge!

• Was in town today and someone pressed the Pelican button...

Oooh! it made me cross.

• Man walks into a cake shop in Glasgow: "Hauw, is that a pavlova in tha windae, or a meringue?"
  "Naw yer right, it's a pavlova"

 

[santaman2000]

Warning! language: http://youtu.be/JH-It3O_bBA

 

[Goatboy]

Guy walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under arm. Says to the bartender: "I’ll take a beer, and one for the road."

 

[Goatboy]

Q: What does Charles Dickens keep in his spice rack?

A: The best of thymes, the worst of thymes.

 

[Goatboy]

[h=3]The Oy of Giving[/h]
A mother gave her grown son two sweaters for Hanukkah. The next time he visited, he made sure to wear one. As he entered her home, instead of the expected smile, she frowned.
“What’s the matter?” she asked. “You didn’t like the other one?”

 

[crosslandkelly]

A man got on a plane and sat next to a blonde, after sitting for awhile she sneezed, gasped and shook all over. The man not knowing her said nothing and went about his business. After about 3 or 4 minutes she sneezed again and , the same thing, gasped and shook all over! This happened three or four times, before finally,the man got the nerve and asked " what was wrong?" She said that ever time she sneezed she had an orgasm! Oh! The man said, are you taking anything for it? Yes,she said ---- black pepper!!!!

View attachment 26943

 

[Barn Owl]

What's the difference between a snowman and a snow-woman..

Snowballs!

(thanks to mrs brown for that)

 

[Goatboy]

Two folk turn up at the office Christmas fancy dress party dressed as ovens with hobs on top. The first (slightly miffed) turned to his friend and said "We're dressed the same - you said you were coming as a parrot!"

His pal replied " No I said I was coming as a cooker too!"

 

[Mesquite]

After being married for 50 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day and said, "Fifty years ago we had a cheap house, a junk car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep with a hot 23-year-old girl every night.

Now, I have a $500,000 home, a $45,000 car, a nice big bed and a large screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 69-year-old woman. It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of things."

My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 23-year-old girl and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap house, driving a junk car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.

Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve an old guy's problems.

 

[santaman2000]

I had a Mormon friend who told his wife, "When you turn 40, I'm going to trade you for two 20s."

She told him, "You aren't wired for 220."

 

[santaman2000]

 

[nickliv]

http://badkidsjokes.tumblr.com/

Sent from my GT-I9300 using Tapatalk

 

[IanM]

What a collection of poor English and misspellings!

http://badkidsjokes.tumblr.com/

Sent from my GT-I9300 using Tapatalk

 

[woodstock]

Two Nuns cycling down a cobble street one says to the other have you come this way before, the other nun replied indeed many times.
Two nuns in the bath one says to the other wears the soap the other nun says it does does'nt it just.

 

[santaman2000]

I know you have been laying awake at night wondering why baby diapers have brand names such as "Luvs," "Huggies," and "Pampers," while undergarments for old people are called "Depends".

Well here is the low down on the whole thing.

When babies crap in their pants, people are still gonna Luv 'em, Hug 'em and Pamper 'em. When old people crap in their pants, it "Depends" on who's in the will!

Glad I got that straightened out so you can rest your mind.

 

[santaman2000]

 

[Power]

The other day i was sitting in my lounge and i heard a van pull up out side my house, there was loads of banging and crashing, i ran to the window and saw the blokes grabbing my gate and throwing it into the van.

I didnt want to chase after them just incase they took a-fence.............

 

[Harvestman]

Q: You have 22 sheep, and you divide them into 7 equal groups. What do you get?
A: Shepherd's Pi

Q: What do you call 2000 mockingbirds?
A: 2 kilomockingbirds

Q: What do you call 3 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital?
A: 1 I.V. League

Q: What do you call 2000 pounds of Chinese soup?
A: Won Ton

 

[stonehippo]

I got a sweater for Christmas. What I really wanted was a moaner or a screamer.

 

[Jethro924]

Spent a couple of hours at the wife's grave today, she thinks I'm digging a pond