I enjoyed digesting that along with my breakfast. Thanks for taking the time and trouble. Off now to plan my slightly less demanding trip out in the Home Counties.
The Fiery Pants of Shame - Norwegian holiday/Arctic course report.
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Sunday night; After finally sorting my kit into 2 bags, 1 for the course and 1 to be left behind at the farm, I retired to our pointy tent. C Da C, Ted, Wayland and I in one, Pete, Lennart and Shane in another and James, Ian and Matt in t'other. We didn't light the stove in the tent which was fortunate as I ended up wrapped around the stove as the decent spots in the tent had already been claimed. The next morning we got up early and went back to the fire house to get ready to depart to the training area.
C Da C ready to depart. That's a Munro 35 with PLCE water bottle pouches on the side. Chris is only 4' 2" tall.
The group ready to depart
Pulkmeister Wayland
The weather was very 'Scottish' this morning which delayed our short walk to the training area but we got there soon enough. Today's main task was to build our shelters for the week.
I built a simple frame for the back of bivi, I made snow walls for 3 of the sides.
This simple A-frame tarp arrangement works well in a warm/wet environment but it doesn't shed wet snow easily so I had to use braces to support the roof. Shelves carved into the snow walls proved to be very useful. The snow walls were reinforced with the small branches cut from the boughs used to create the roof. The main lesson learnt is that making snow walls is hard work and requires a lot of snow. It is easier to dig a bivi into snow than make one out of snow, well I think so, YMMV. I left a UCO candle burning at night as I hate waking up in the dark tangled in my bivi and busting for a ****.
Once the bivi was constructed I had a brew. Notice that the fragile air mats are moved out of harms way during the day and an expanded foam mat is used. The shovel was used to store clean snow ready for melting. It was also used for 'toilet duties' later in the week.
Chris thought that we were going to build a new shelter every night. He built a robust shelter with it's closed end facing into the direction of the wind. Sadly we were missinformed about the wind direction which was more variable than expected. Chris didn't think his bivi was too good for personal admin but given the weather conditions (snow, wind, rain,
spindrift) I think it was just about the best design.
And this is the point where 500 images dissapeared from my host site as I tried to rotate one of the files, more piccies once the provider sorts their mess out.
C Da C ready to depart. That's a Munro 35 with PLCE water bottle pouches on the side. Chris is only 4' 2" tall.
The group ready to depart
Pulkmeister Wayland
The weather was very 'Scottish' this morning which delayed our short walk to the training area but we got there soon enough. Today's main task was to build our shelters for the week.
I built a simple frame for the back of bivi, I made snow walls for 3 of the sides.
This simple A-frame tarp arrangement works well in a warm/wet environment but it doesn't shed wet snow easily so I had to use braces to support the roof. Shelves carved into the snow walls proved to be very useful. The snow walls were reinforced with the small branches cut from the boughs used to create the roof. The main lesson learnt is that making snow walls is hard work and requires a lot of snow. It is easier to dig a bivi into snow than make one out of snow, well I think so, YMMV. I left a UCO candle burning at night as I hate waking up in the dark tangled in my bivi and busting for a ****.
Once the bivi was constructed I had a brew. Notice that the fragile air mats are moved out of harms way during the day and an expanded foam mat is used. The shovel was used to store clean snow ready for melting. It was also used for 'toilet duties' later in the week.
Chris thought that we were going to build a new shelter every night. He built a robust shelter with it's closed end facing into the direction of the wind. Sadly we were missinformed about the wind direction which was more variable than expected. Chris didn't think his bivi was too good for personal admin but given the weather conditions (snow, wind, rain,
spindrift) I think it was just about the best design.
And this is the point where 500 images dissapeared from my host site as I tried to rotate one of the files, more piccies once the provider sorts their mess out.
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Brilliant mate!
It is all coming back to me!!
I can taste the 'smoked water!
Coming soon! 'The un-burnable, un-mentionables!!
da C.
It is all coming back to me!!
I can taste the 'smoked water!
Coming soon! 'The un-burnable, un-mentionables!!
da C.
Here's Chris outside his basha, he loves his Trangia does Chris (not).
Ted built a lean-to. He built it twice because the weather changed.
Ted, like just about everyone else had a basha full of spindrift and frozen rain as the wind came from an 'unusual' and unexpected direction. Lesson learnt.
Ducky (Lennart) built a log cabin with built in fireplace, he was a regular Duracell bunny. Occasionally he'd drop by bearing gifts of cognac or cigars.
Pete and Shane built a lean-to smoke house. They also had an A-frame basha to fall back on. As Gary was using his basha tent thing in preference to building a new shelter he had time to help Pete and Shane build a log fire. Smoke was a real issue in these shelters.
Pete and Wayland abandon ship due to the smoke
Fun Boy Three (James, Ian and Matt) built a shared luxury hotel out of 4 tarps and half a forest. They also built a chimney which, after half a dozen modifications, was a partial success. Here's James titting about with the fire.
Due to the issues with smoke, Ted, Chris and I built a shared fire away from our bashas in a location that was convenient for all of us.
One other task that we had on the Monday was to nominate a urine tree for each of the groups. This was a clearly defined area for 'number ones', the idea being that we didn't contaminate the snow which we needed for drinking. By the end of the week just about every tree in the forest was a pi55 tree but at least we tried.
This is how Pete and Shane marked their tree, Pete's urine, Shane's handwriting.
During the day we also made a quick trip to the local village. I bought Jarlesberg cheese, caramel cheese, polar bread, biscuits, fruit and veg, dried fruit and other goodies. From the local hardware shop I bought a gallon of Aspen4, half a litre of meths and a ball of string, that'll be £40 thanks, ker-ching. Gotta love those Norway prices.
Ted built a lean-to. He built it twice because the weather changed.
Ted, like just about everyone else had a basha full of spindrift and frozen rain as the wind came from an 'unusual' and unexpected direction. Lesson learnt.
Ducky (Lennart) built a log cabin with built in fireplace, he was a regular Duracell bunny. Occasionally he'd drop by bearing gifts of cognac or cigars.
Pete and Shane built a lean-to smoke house. They also had an A-frame basha to fall back on. As Gary was using his basha tent thing in preference to building a new shelter he had time to help Pete and Shane build a log fire. Smoke was a real issue in these shelters.
Pete and Wayland abandon ship due to the smoke
Fun Boy Three (James, Ian and Matt) built a shared luxury hotel out of 4 tarps and half a forest. They also built a chimney which, after half a dozen modifications, was a partial success. Here's James titting about with the fire.
Due to the issues with smoke, Ted, Chris and I built a shared fire away from our bashas in a location that was convenient for all of us.
One other task that we had on the Monday was to nominate a urine tree for each of the groups. This was a clearly defined area for 'number ones', the idea being that we didn't contaminate the snow which we needed for drinking. By the end of the week just about every tree in the forest was a pi55 tree but at least we tried.
This is how Pete and Shane marked their tree, Pete's urine, Shane's handwriting.
During the day we also made a quick trip to the local village. I bought Jarlesberg cheese, caramel cheese, polar bread, biscuits, fruit and veg, dried fruit and other goodies. From the local hardware shop I bought a gallon of Aspen4, half a litre of meths and a ball of string, that'll be £40 thanks, ker-ching. Gotta love those Norway prices.
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Monday night was quite damp/snowy but I still managed a comfortable 8 hours sleep. I usually sleep for 5 hours but being outside in the cold and damp is hard work. After breakfast we were due to walk up to the local lake at 9AM but we had a late start as some people were cooking on wood fires and their drills/personal admin were not yet up to scratch.
Once at the lake we had a lecture on safety drills, use of ice spikes, warming a frozen person etc. We then cleared the snow off 4 different locations on the lake and drilled 4 holes through over a metre of ice.
Pete liked to strip off to avoid overheating on the way up to the lake.
Ian on the way up to the lake, note that we all carried daypacks incase we were benighted by a blizzard/whiteout.
Shane, Chris and Pete bore a hole.
Shane has a go
We all bore a hole
The fishing shelter near the lake
We also learnt about chopping a basin into the ice to make collecting lake water easier
Lennart chops a basin, can't be too precious with our axes here!
The finished basin with borehole
The basin fills with water, think I'll stick with melting snow thanks!
The holes that we drilled were later (in the week?) baited with fishing lines and various lures and traps. Gary had half of a tackle shop in his bag!!!
Gary (Wayland) lowers in one of his lines into the dark depths
Once the line is in place the hole is sealed with branches and covered in snow to delay re-freezing.
Later we returned to camp for tea and medals.
Pete prepares his tea, Chris cadges a fag
I prepared yet another rat-pack meal. My daily menu consisted of rat-pack bacon/beans or sausage/beans breakfast. For lunch I'd have polar bread, cheese, sausage and dried fruit. Tea would be rat-pack main meal followed by rat-pack pudding. I'd often put the pudding in a food flask with boiling water in an effot to get it to cook through. I think compo puddings are made from asbestos as they are impossible to heat through. I've been trying for nigh on 30 years without success!
A typical lunch
After tea I collected my shovel and broke trail across the field to the distant 'number twos' toilet area. I droped my trollies and straddled a fallen tree but could only muster a few steamy pressure relief farts (PRFs). I returned dejected and informed Ted of my failure, sharing details of our toilet habits was a recurring theme of the week. A few hours later my guts started bubbling again so I picked up my shovel and informed Ted that I'd be taking the walk of shame again, and then it happened!....
Once at the lake we had a lecture on safety drills, use of ice spikes, warming a frozen person etc. We then cleared the snow off 4 different locations on the lake and drilled 4 holes through over a metre of ice.
Pete liked to strip off to avoid overheating on the way up to the lake.
Ian on the way up to the lake, note that we all carried daypacks incase we were benighted by a blizzard/whiteout.
Shane, Chris and Pete bore a hole.
Shane has a go
We all bore a hole
The fishing shelter near the lake
We also learnt about chopping a basin into the ice to make collecting lake water easier
Lennart chops a basin, can't be too precious with our axes here!
The finished basin with borehole
The basin fills with water, think I'll stick with melting snow thanks!
The holes that we drilled were later (in the week?) baited with fishing lines and various lures and traps. Gary had half of a tackle shop in his bag!!!
Gary (Wayland) lowers in one of his lines into the dark depths
Once the line is in place the hole is sealed with branches and covered in snow to delay re-freezing.
Later we returned to camp for tea and medals.
Pete prepares his tea, Chris cadges a fag
I prepared yet another rat-pack meal. My daily menu consisted of rat-pack bacon/beans or sausage/beans breakfast. For lunch I'd have polar bread, cheese, sausage and dried fruit. Tea would be rat-pack main meal followed by rat-pack pudding. I'd often put the pudding in a food flask with boiling water in an effot to get it to cook through. I think compo puddings are made from asbestos as they are impossible to heat through. I've been trying for nigh on 30 years without success!
A typical lunch
After tea I collected my shovel and broke trail across the field to the distant 'number twos' toilet area. I droped my trollies and straddled a fallen tree but could only muster a few steamy pressure relief farts (PRFs). I returned dejected and informed Ted of my failure, sharing details of our toilet habits was a recurring theme of the week. A few hours later my guts started bubbling again so I picked up my shovel and informed Ted that I'd be taking the walk of shame again, and then it happened!....
After getting the 'Four-Minute Warning' I hastily collected my ablution kit, shovel and head torch and set out for the distant tree line that was our outdoor latrine. The trail to the area had quickly filled with blown snow so I was route-finding and breaking trail again in the dark! The Four-Minute Warning was now turning into a Four-Second Warning and I was not yet at the designated drop zone. I had run out of PRFs and was now holding back solids and the one-way valve, the ol' barking starfish, was starting to quiver. I decided to take a dump on my shovel and then ferry the goods to the latrine in an 'Arctic egg and spoon race' stylee. I tried to drop my strides as I assumed 'the position' but horror-of-horrors - I was wearing salopettes! I reached for the salopette straps but they were covered by my smock. I zipped up the pocket on my smock so my lighter, camera etc did not fall out and I quickly removed the smock. I reached for the salopette straps again but they couldn't be found! I realised that I had added a woolly jumper after I started to cool down after tea time. My knees were now doing an Elvis impression and I still had a layer to go! I franticaly removed the jumper throwing it thirty feet into the air. I reached for my straps but now it was too late, I had been deserted by the PRFs and was now weeping solids. I say solids, but think of the forgotten Toblerone you find in your car glovebox at the end of a warm autumnal day (complete with abrasive bits of nougat). Anyway I now assumed the position and eased springs. I had a quick shufty behind me to make sure my aim was true but again, my luck was out. One of the straps had become entangled and I was not dumping on my shovel but in the back of the salopettes! I couldn't free the strap or close the bomb bay doors so I tried a 90 degree sideways turn to alter the point of impact. Sadly I was squatting in a path of my own making 18" deep, either side was a frozen wall of snow which could have acted as a make shift ski-jump for my turds. With the way my luck was going they'd have found their way back into my strides via the snow bank. I only had one option left, sacrifice my trollies to save my salopettes. Luck was now working in my favour, I was wearing undercrackers with elasticated legs! The elastic was in good condition as they were a new pair, part of a 3-pack given to me at Christmas by my mother.
Marks and Spencer trollies, one of the surviving 2 pairs. (that's a rust stain on the carpet)
I quickly pulled my trollies up above my knees to a position that would guarantee a hit and then finished the job. Remember this was my first bowel movement in 3 days and I was living on a diet of ration packs, it was not pleasant. I was now crouched in a stress position balancing a heavy pair of dung hampers above my knees. I now needed to find a way of removing the soiled strides without further spillage. Fortuneatly the salopettes had full length side zips and with a bit of fumbling I removed them. I was now crouched in a stress position balancing my steaming trollies over a pair of Sorel boots. I would need these removed before I could lower my trollies. I thought about cutting my trollies off but my knife was in the pocket of my smock which had gone into a low orbit about 30 seconds earlier. I had to remove my boots and this is not an easy task at the best of times; when your thighs are burning it is almost impossible. Removing my feet from the felt liners of the boots resulted in a bit of spillage onto the wool collar of the boots. I was planing on selling them on eBay once the course was over but I now think that is out of the question.
I was now stood naked from the waist down, I decided to put my feet back into my boots while I evaluated the situation. My salopettes had taken damage at the back but that was quickly scraped off with my shovel. The straps were also soiled and they were not cleanable in field conditions, they'd been hit by the looser parts of the movement. My nether regions were heavily soiled and wiping with paper was not proving to be sucessful. I had to scrape with my hands then use the paper to clean my hands. My socks came in useful too. I had 10 medicated wipes with me and they featured heavily in the clean up procedure. The foil wrappers were useful for scraping down the back of my legs, and once I'd scraped as much as possible the medicated wipes were used for the final clean up.
Bog roll and wipes
Once I'd cleaned up I put my salopettes back on and shovelled up all the detritus I had created. I shuffled off with my shovel of shame to the tree line and made my final deposit.
I then turned around and returned to my basha to try and clean up properly. As I passed Ted he said 'Success this time'? 'No' says I, 'I've 5hat meself'! 'Oh' said Ted, not really knowing what to say. I returned to my basha and undressed. It was about minus 10 but I didn't care I had some serious scrubbing to do. I had some anti-septic gel in my medikit and this, along with some more sacrificial socks and t-shirts allowed for a good decontamination. I didn't bite my nails for the rest of the week however, and if somebody came around offering to share their GORP or crisps etc I politely declined; best not put my poopy hands into their food I thought. So, sporting my last pair of emergency undies I returned to the fun. Chris and Ted were sitting on our new wooden bench by our fire and this gave me an idea. I couldn't, with a clear concience, leave my now frozen undercrackers to polute someones farm so I picked up my shovel and went to collect them. I soon returned with them and all of the other waste paper etc.
The once steamy pants of shame
Upon my return I placed them onto our well established fire, Chris looks on in disbelief.
Close up of the frozen pants of shame turning back into the steamy pants of shame before becoming the fiery pants of shame.
The pants took an absolute age to burn, I was quite embarassed, I thought they'd burn up in short order but they hung around for ages while Chris was trying to cook. Sorry chaps!
Marks and Spencer trollies, one of the surviving 2 pairs. (that's a rust stain on the carpet)
I quickly pulled my trollies up above my knees to a position that would guarantee a hit and then finished the job. Remember this was my first bowel movement in 3 days and I was living on a diet of ration packs, it was not pleasant. I was now crouched in a stress position balancing a heavy pair of dung hampers above my knees. I now needed to find a way of removing the soiled strides without further spillage. Fortuneatly the salopettes had full length side zips and with a bit of fumbling I removed them. I was now crouched in a stress position balancing my steaming trollies over a pair of Sorel boots. I would need these removed before I could lower my trollies. I thought about cutting my trollies off but my knife was in the pocket of my smock which had gone into a low orbit about 30 seconds earlier. I had to remove my boots and this is not an easy task at the best of times; when your thighs are burning it is almost impossible. Removing my feet from the felt liners of the boots resulted in a bit of spillage onto the wool collar of the boots. I was planing on selling them on eBay once the course was over but I now think that is out of the question.
I was now stood naked from the waist down, I decided to put my feet back into my boots while I evaluated the situation. My salopettes had taken damage at the back but that was quickly scraped off with my shovel. The straps were also soiled and they were not cleanable in field conditions, they'd been hit by the looser parts of the movement. My nether regions were heavily soiled and wiping with paper was not proving to be sucessful. I had to scrape with my hands then use the paper to clean my hands. My socks came in useful too. I had 10 medicated wipes with me and they featured heavily in the clean up procedure. The foil wrappers were useful for scraping down the back of my legs, and once I'd scraped as much as possible the medicated wipes were used for the final clean up.
Bog roll and wipes
Once I'd cleaned up I put my salopettes back on and shovelled up all the detritus I had created. I shuffled off with my shovel of shame to the tree line and made my final deposit.
I then turned around and returned to my basha to try and clean up properly. As I passed Ted he said 'Success this time'? 'No' says I, 'I've 5hat meself'! 'Oh' said Ted, not really knowing what to say. I returned to my basha and undressed. It was about minus 10 but I didn't care I had some serious scrubbing to do. I had some anti-septic gel in my medikit and this, along with some more sacrificial socks and t-shirts allowed for a good decontamination. I didn't bite my nails for the rest of the week however, and if somebody came around offering to share their GORP or crisps etc I politely declined; best not put my poopy hands into their food I thought. So, sporting my last pair of emergency undies I returned to the fun. Chris and Ted were sitting on our new wooden bench by our fire and this gave me an idea. I couldn't, with a clear concience, leave my now frozen undercrackers to polute someones farm so I picked up my shovel and went to collect them. I soon returned with them and all of the other waste paper etc.
The once steamy pants of shame
Upon my return I placed them onto our well established fire, Chris looks on in disbelief.
Close up of the frozen pants of shame turning back into the steamy pants of shame before becoming the fiery pants of shame.
The pants took an absolute age to burn, I was quite embarassed, I thought they'd burn up in short order but they hung around for ages while Chris was trying to cook. Sorry chaps!
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My money is on the Haribo,Pringles and Drambuie as being a significant causal factor not the rat packs......
Im enjoying this report a lot it's like reading the book that inspired the movie after watching the movie....
Im enjoying this report a lot it's like reading the book that inspired the movie after watching the movie....
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Brilliant Your heroic endevour half way to the woods must have been
filmed or photographed by other course members...
Just saying.
That wasn't ID, he started a fashion.
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