Stoopid jokes

[Navaja]

my mate is addicted to drinking brake fluid but says he can stop any time

Sounds like the bloke addicted to drinking acid from car batteries, he was caught stealing them & is being charged......

 

[bearbait]

What is the maximum punishment for Bigamy?

Two Mothers-in-Law.

 

[oldtimer]

A man with two wives is a bigamist. A man with three wives is a bigger mystery.

 

[nigelp]

I often stand naked in front of a full-length mirror, studying myself to better come to terms with my imperfections. It’s not an easy thing to do though, and quite frankly I feel IKEA security could be a little bit more supportive.

 

[Robbi]

I often stand naked in front of a full-length mirror, studying myself to better come to terms with my imperfections. It’s not an easy thing to do though, and quite frankly I feel IKEA security could be a little bit more supportive.

I actually believe you.

 

[nigelp]

I actually believe you.

If you’ve got it, flaunt it….

 

[Broch]

If you’ve got it, flaunt it….

really trying to get the thought out of my head

 

[nigelp]

I’ve got this somewhat charming odd friend who every year around now asks to borrow one of my musical instruments overnight then, sure as clockwork, texts me to tell me how heavy it is. It’s very weird and annoying.

He’s just been in touch to ask if he can have my guitar, and I said no. He said “how come?” And I replied…

“Last Christmas I gave you my harp. The very next day you gave it a weigh.”

 

[Bluebs4]

 

[bearbait]

Talk about lazy: he's the only person I know who has a smoke alarm with a snooze function.

 

[nigelp]

I messaged my fishmonger friend just now to ask if we could get together to fondle his produce, but he suggested we touch bass in the afternoon.

 

[bearbait]

A Frenchman walks into a bar with a parrot perched on his shoulder.

The barman says "Wow, that's really lovely. Where did you get him?"

"In France," replies the parrot. "They've got millions of 'em."

 

[demented dale]

I couldn't decide whether to go and visit my welsh friend or stay in and watch a james bond movie. I decided on the the film. I can see Dai another day.

 

[nigelp]

A bloke rang me up last night and said, I’m the dandy highwayman who you’re too scared to mention. I spend my cash on looking flash and grabbing your attention.
Tried telling him he had the wrong number, but he was adamant.

 

[Kepis]

I had a really happy childhood, my dad used to put me in tires and then roll me down the hill, aye, they were Goodyears.

 

[bearbait]

Zoo owner to new Keeper, "You idiot! You left the door to the Lion's cage open all night!"

The new Keeper replies "So what? Who's going to steal a lion?"

 

[Kepis]

What is beethoven’s favorite fruit?

A ba-na-na-naaaa

 

[rich d2]

I’m not sure what to make of living in Switzerland, but their flag is a big plus.

 

[nigelp]

 

[bearbait]

A man walks into a psychiatrist's and says "You've got to help me! I keep thinking that I'm a goat!"

"How long have you had these delusions?" asks the psychiatrist.

The man replies "Ever since I was a kid."