Stoopid jokes

[bearbait]

My marriage got off to a bad start - and that was during the Wedding Service...

After all the preamble the Vicar eventually said "You may now kiss the Bride." And she said "Not now, darling, I've got a headache."

 

[Kepis]

Just downloaded a new app to my phone that identifies tree resins.

It's called What Sap.

 

[bearbait]

Just downloaded a new app to my phone that identifies tree resins.

It's called What Sap.

Definitely worth a "Groan"!

 

[bearbait]

My family was so poor when I was growing up that if I hadn't been born a boy I'd have had nothing to play with.

 

[demented dale]

both my parents were dwarves. all their lives they struggled to put food on the table,

 

[oldtimer]

We used to buy a sheep's head with the eyes left in so it could see us through the week.

 

[Keith_Beef]

I have a friend who writes music about sewing machines.

He's a singer songwriter.

Or sew it seams.

(shamelessly stolen from here)

 

[Pattree]

Hmmmm. I call my hand cranked sewing machine Pearl.

 

[oldtimer]

I'm in stitches!

 

[Chris]

Saw someone walk out of the optician earlier and fall straight into a big hole full of water. I don't think they could see that well.

 

[Keith_Beef]

Hmmmm. I call my hand cranked sewing machine Pearl.

Can she play the piano?

 

[bearbait]

A young girl is visiting the Doctor's for a check-up.

The Doctor dons his stethoscope, places the end on her chest and says "Big breath."

"Yeth," she replies, "and I'm only thixthteen".

 

[bearbait]

The Lone Ranger and Tonto have been having a break for a brew of coffee while on the trail.

As they are about to mount up to continue their journey, Tonto kneels down and puts his ear to the ground.

After a few moments he says "Buffalo come, Kemosabe".

"How can you tell, Tonto?" says the Lone Ranger.

"Ground sticky" he replies.

 

[crosslandkelly]

 

[bearbait]

If the left side of the brain controls the right hand, then only left-handed people are in their right mind.

 

[Chris]

 

[oldtimer]

When I was a child I asked for a puppy for Christmas but no luck: we had a turkey as usual.

 

[Woody girl]

If your wife wishes to drive the car, do not stand in her way.

 

[bearbait]

Did you hear about the overweight Ballerina?

She had to wear a three-three.

 

[Keith_Beef]

Did you hear about the overweight Ballerina?

She had to wear a three-three.

Very poor. You ought to be ashamed of your body shaming.