todays joke

[stevec038]

Couldn't pass this up.
A mushroom walks into a bar and orders a drink. Bartender says "sorry we don't serve mushrooms here." Mushroom looks at the bartender and says "why not, I'm a real fungi."

 

[santaman2000]

SHE WALKED UP AND TIED HER OLD MULE TO THE HITCH RAIL.
AS SHE STOOD THERE, BRUSHING THE DUST FROM HER FACE AND CLOTHES, A YOUNG GUNSLINGER STEPPED OUT OF THE SALOON WITH A GUN IN ONE HAND AND A BOTTLE OF WHISKY IN THE OTHER.

THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER LOOKED AT THE OLD WOMAN AND LAUGHED, SAYING,"HEY OLD WOMAN, HAVE YOU EVER DANCED?"

THE OLD WOMAN LOOKED UP AT THE GUNSLINGER AND SAID,

"NO, I NEVER DID DANCE... NEVER REALLY WANTED TO."

A CROWD HAD GATHERED AS THE GUNSLINGER GRINNED AND SAID, "WELL, YOU OLD BAG, YOU'RE GONNA DANCE NOW," AND STARTED SHOOTING AT THE OLD WOMAN'S FEET.

THE OLD WOMAN PROSPECTOR - NOT WANTING TO GET HER TOE BLOWN OFF -STARTED HOPPING AROUND. EVERYBODY WAS LAUGHING.

WHEN HIS LAST BULLET HAD BEEN FIRED, THE YOUNG GUN-SLINGER, STILL LAUGHING, HOLSTERED HIS GUN AND TURNED AROUND TO GO BACK INTO THE SALOON.

THE OLD WOMAN TURNED TO HER PACK MULE, PULLED OUT A DOUBLE-BARRELED SHOTGUN, AND COCKED BOTH HAMMERS.

THE LOUD CLICKS CARRIED CLEARLY THROUGH THE DESERT AIR. THE CROWD STOPPED LAUGHING IMMEDIATELY.

THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER HEARD THE SOUNDS TOO, AND HE TURNED AROUND VERY SLOWLY. THE SILENCE WAS ALMOST DEAFENING.

THE CROWD WATCHED AS THE YOUNG GUNMAN STARED AT THE OLD WOMAN AND THE LARGE GAPING HOLES OF THOSE TWIN BARRELS.

THE BARRELS OF THE SHOTGUN NEVER WAVERED IN THE OLDWOMAN'S HANDS, AS SHE QUIETLY SAID, "SON, HAVE YOU EVER LICKED A MULE'S bottom?"

THE GUNSLINGER SWALLOWED HARD AND SAID, "NO MA'AM.....BUT......I'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO."


THERE ARE A FEW LESSONS FOR US ALL HERE:

1 - Never be arrogant.

2 - Don't waste ammunition.

3 - Whisky makes you think you're smarter than you are.

4 - Always, always make sure you know who has the power.

5 - Don't mess with old women; they didn't get old by being stupid.

I JUST LOVE A STORY WITH A HAPPY ENDING, DON'T YOU?

 

[Harvestman]

Why do only little fairies sit under toadstools?

Because there's not mushroom.


A horse walk into a bar and orders a pint.
Certainly sir, says the barman, but why the long face?

A polar bear walks into a bar and says "I'll have a pint and..... ....... ...... a packet of crisps please"
Certainly sir, says the barman, but why the big paws?

A skeleton walks into a bar and orders a pint and a mop.

 

[Biker]

A skeleton walks into a bar and orders a pint and a mop.

That screaming and shouting outside your front door later will the the torch bearing angry mob I've sent to lynch you from the nearest tree. That sort of joke ought to be a capital offense.

 

[Harvestman]

Nearest tree is only 5 feet high and is a weeping birch. I'm taller than it is

That joke is my standard intelligence test. Lots of people don't get it

 

[Macaroon]

Just read your one , santaman, I like that one!

 

[santaman2000]

A grizzly walked into a bar in Billings, Montana and orderd a beer.

The bartender said, "We don't serve no beer to no bears in Billings."

The grizzly (being a grizzly) got irritated and said, "Gimme a beer or it's gonna get ugly!"

The bartender said, "We don't serve no berr to no belligerent bears in Billings."

The grizzy stood up and stretched to his full height and growled, "GIMME THE BEER OR I SWEAR IT'S GONNA BE UGLY!"

The barman said, I told you, we don't serve no beer to no big, belligerent bears in Billings!"

The grizzly looked around, saw a blonde woman half drunk sitting at the end of the bar. He went down the bar and ate her, then came back and demanded, "NOW GIMME A BEER!"

The bartender said, "We don't serve no beer to no big, belligerent bears on drugs in Billings."

The bear looked shocked and asked, "On drugs!?"

The bartender said, "Yep. That was the barbituate."

 

[Biker]

.....

The bartender said, "Yep. That was the barbituate."

Ok so I groaned, but I also chuckled. Clever, Santaman.

 

[Biker]

Here's one that needs to be read out loud in the most outrageous Pakistani or Indian or Mexican or Russian or Chinese accent you can muster.

"Why you call my dog pi$$ off, when his name is Rover?!"

 

[VANDEEN]

OK my kiddy friendly clean jokes....

Two fish swim into a wall, Dam, says one if them.

A man walks into a bar, Ouch, it was an iron bar.

What's brown and sticky, a stick.

What's pink and fluffy, Pink fluff.

What's red & invisible, No strawberry


What's the difference between an egg, and a good poo?

You can beat an egg


I'm here all week

 

[Biker]

..... I'm here all week

With jokes like that do you have to be?

Did like the strawberry one though.

 

[Goatboy]

Here's one that needs to be read out loud in the most outrageous Pakistani or Indian or Mexican or Russian or Chinese accent you can muster.

"Why you call my dog pi$$ off, when his name is Rover?!"

I think I'm having a thickhead day today, tried it out loud in all five accents and I'm still not getting it!

 

[santaman2000]

Why do ducks have flat feet? To stamp out forest fires.
Why do elepants have big feet? To stamp out burning ducks.

 

[Biker]

I think I'm having a thickhead day today, tried it out loud in all five accents and I'm still not getting it!

Picture the scene. You dislike dogs intensely and you're sat there minding your on business when this dog runs up to you and starts getting affectionate with your leg, so naturally you tell it to pi$$ orf. However the Asian/Russian/Mexican owner of the dog is confused since he doesn't understand what the phrase pi$$ off means, so questions you while you would cal the dog that when his name is Rover?

You have to have been there to have heard it but I was on my knees laughing at it. Said it around the campfire at The Moot last year and John Fenna's mate almost cracked a rib laughing too, which triggered all the rest of us off so we were all laughing up our spleens at the most pathetic joke known in the western world.

 

[Goatboy]

Picture the scene. You dislike dogs intensely and you're sat there minding your on business when this dog runs up to you and starts getting affectionate with your leg, so naturally you tell it to pi$$ orf. However the Asian/Russian/Mexican owner of the dog is confused since he doesn't understand what the phrase pi$$ off means, so questions you while you would cal the dog that when his name is Rover?

You have to have been there to have heard it but I was on my knees laughing at it. Said it around the campfire at The Moot last year and John Fenna's mate almost cracked a rib laughing too, which triggered all the rest of us off so we were all laughing up our spleens at the most pathetic joke known in the western world.

Sorry, get it now. Was getting hung up on the phonetics before.

 

[Goatboy]

My girlfriend and I were always falling out when we stayed out overnight bushcrafting, so we went to see a relationship councillor.

He talked to us and asked about our dreams, my girlfriend had dreamt she was a wigwam and I'd dreamt I was a tipi.


According to the councillor it turns out we were "two tents."

 

[santaman2000]

A friend told me he's getting his wife a wooden leg for Christmas. It's not her main gift though; it's just a stocking stuffer.

 

[VANDEEN]

A baby goat falls of a cliff and is swallowed by a big flat fish.
A fisherman lands the fish and cuts it open.
Out jumps the baby goat to whom the fishermans says 'Hey! whats a kid like you doing in a plaice like this?

 

[VANDEEN]

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.
Suddenly her husband burst into the kitchen.

"Careful. CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER?
They're going to STICK! Careful.

CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking!
Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind?

Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them.
Use the rock salt USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"

The wife stared at him.

"What the hell is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."

 

[Goatboy]

To tag birds migrating, the U.S. Department of the Interior used metal bands that bear the address of the Washington Biological Survey, abbreviated:
Wash. Biol. Surv.
Until the agency received the following letter from a camper:
Dear Sirs,
While camping last week I shot one of your birds. I think it was a crow. I followed the cooking instructions on the leg tag and I want to tell you it was horrible.