The one about the magic tractor - drove down the lane and turned in to a field...
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Stoopid jokes
- Thread starter nickliv
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I was boxing a vampire last night.
Then in the last round he caught me with a lucky shot....try as I might, I just couldn't beat the Count.
Then in the last round he caught me with a lucky shot....try as I might, I just couldn't beat the Count.
I recently had to complete a claim on my home insurance after a burglary.
I made a list of all that was taken and then stated that I had left the back door unlocked because I am a clairvoyant and I saw it was going to happen. And I didn't want the door getting damaged.
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I made a list of all that was taken and then stated that I had left the back door unlocked because I am a clairvoyant and I saw it was going to happen. And I didn't want the door getting damaged.
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When a mind reading midget escaped from the county jail the headlines read, "Small Medium At Large."
The man who invented predictive text died yesterday. His funfair is Monkey.
When a psychopathic rapist escaped from Broadmoor once and attacked three women in a launderette, the local newspaper headline read, "Nut screws washers and bolts."
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The drummer and the bass player were outside the studio having a smoke break during rehearsals. There was a dog nearby lying down licking its naughty bits. The bass player watched for a few moments and then turned to the drummer and said "Don't you wish you could do that?". The drummer looked at the dog, thought about it for a moment or two, and said "Yes, it would be good. But he'd probably bite me."
With apologies if already posted...
Did you hear about the dyslexic pimp?
He bought a warehouse.
Did you hear about the dyslexic pimp?
He bought a warehouse.
Cletus is passing by Billy Bob's hay barn one day when, through a gap in the door, he sees Billy Bob doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old John Deere tractor.
Buttocks clenched, he performs a slow pirouette, and gently slides off first the right strap of his overalls, followed by the left. He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move, lets his overalls fall down to his hips, revealing a torn and frayed plaid shirt.
Then, grabbing both sides of his shirt, he rips it apart to reveal his stained T-shirt underneath. With a final flourish, he tears the T-shirt from his body, and hurls his baseball cap onto a pile of hay.
Having seen enough, Cletus rushes in and says, "What the world're ya doing, Billy Bob?"
"Good grief, Cletus, ya scared the bejeebers out of me," says an obviously embarrassed Billy Bob.
"But me 'n the wife been havin trouble lately in the bedroom d'partment, and the therapist suggested I do something sexy to a tractor."
Buttocks clenched, he performs a slow pirouette, and gently slides off first the right strap of his overalls, followed by the left. He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move, lets his overalls fall down to his hips, revealing a torn and frayed plaid shirt.
Then, grabbing both sides of his shirt, he rips it apart to reveal his stained T-shirt underneath. With a final flourish, he tears the T-shirt from his body, and hurls his baseball cap onto a pile of hay.
Having seen enough, Cletus rushes in and says, "What the world're ya doing, Billy Bob?"
"Good grief, Cletus, ya scared the bejeebers out of me," says an obviously embarrassed Billy Bob.
"But me 'n the wife been havin trouble lately in the bedroom d'partment, and the therapist suggested I do something sexy to a tractor."
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose.
A young student nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.
"Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir, I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet, so I wouldn't know if your testicles are black.
He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?
Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers.
She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other. She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them Sir, they look magnificent.
"The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very closely: Are - My - Test - Results - Back?"
A young student nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.
"Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir, I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet, so I wouldn't know if your testicles are black.
He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?
Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers.
She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other. She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them Sir, they look magnificent.
"The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very closely: Are - My - Test - Results - Back?"
When you are 70...............
I was standing at the bar one night minding my own business.
This FAT ugly chick came up behind me, grabbed my behind and said, "You're kinda cute. You gotta phone number?"
I said, "Yeah, you gotta pen?"
She said, "Yeah, I got a pen."
I said, "You better get back in it before the farmer misses you."
Cost me 6 stitches...but..... When youre seventy...............who cares?
**********
I went to the chemist's and told the assistant "Give me 3 packets of condoms, please."
Assistant: "Do you need a paper bag with that, Sir?
I said, "No... She's pretty good looking....."
When youre seventy..............who cares?
***********
I was talking to a young woman in the pub last night.
She said, "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right.
I said, If I did that, I'd be talking to your friend over there instead of you.
Cost me a fat lip, but... When youre seventy...............who cares?
**********
I was telling a woman in the club about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her breasts.
"Really" she said, "Go on then... try."
After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said, "Come on, what day was I born?"
I said, "Yesterday."
Cost me a kick in the nuts, but, hey, when youre seventy...............who cares?
*********
I got caught taking a pee in the swimming pool today.
The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.
When youre seventy...............who cares?
**********
I went to our club last night and saw a BIG woman dancing on a table.
I said, "Good legs."
The girl giggled and said, "Do you really think so?"
I said, "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."
Cost me 6 more stitches, but... When youre seventy...............who cares?
I was standing at the bar one night minding my own business.
This FAT ugly chick came up behind me, grabbed my behind and said, "You're kinda cute. You gotta phone number?"
I said, "Yeah, you gotta pen?"
She said, "Yeah, I got a pen."
I said, "You better get back in it before the farmer misses you."
Cost me 6 stitches...but..... When youre seventy...............who cares?
**********
I went to the chemist's and told the assistant "Give me 3 packets of condoms, please."
Assistant: "Do you need a paper bag with that, Sir?
I said, "No... She's pretty good looking....."
When youre seventy..............who cares?
***********
I was talking to a young woman in the pub last night.
She said, "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right.
I said, If I did that, I'd be talking to your friend over there instead of you.
Cost me a fat lip, but... When youre seventy...............who cares?
**********
I was telling a woman in the club about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her breasts.
"Really" she said, "Go on then... try."
After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said, "Come on, what day was I born?"
I said, "Yesterday."
Cost me a kick in the nuts, but, hey, when youre seventy...............who cares?
*********
I got caught taking a pee in the swimming pool today.
The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.
When youre seventy...............who cares?
**********
I went to our club last night and saw a BIG woman dancing on a table.
I said, "Good legs."
The girl giggled and said, "Do you really think so?"
I said, "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."
Cost me 6 more stitches, but... When youre seventy...............who cares?
A blonde orders a pizza to go. The waiter asks "Do you want it cut into 6 pieces or 12?" She says "Six pieces please; I could never eat all 12."
What is the difference between a walrus and an Essex girl? One is wet, has a moustache and smells of fish - the other is a walrus!
What's the difference between an Essex man & an Essex girl? The Essex girl has a higher sperm count!
What does an Essex girl say after having sex? What team do you guys play for?
What's the difference between Gorbachev and an Essex girl? Gorby knows the names of the eight people that f***ed him!
What do Essex girls use for protection during sex? Bus shelters.
How does an Essex girl turn the light out after sex? She shuts the Car door.
How do you make an Essex girl's eyes sparkle? Shine a torch into her ear.
How can you tell if an Essex girl is having a bad day? Her tampon is behind her ear and she can't find her pencil.
Why does an Essex girl wear knickers? To keep her ankles warm.
What's the difference between an Essex girl and an ironing board? Occasionally you have trouble getting the legs apart on an ironing board.
If this upsets anyone from Essex, dont blame me, after all it's Hereditary.....................lol
What's the difference between an Essex man & an Essex girl? The Essex girl has a higher sperm count!
What does an Essex girl say after having sex? What team do you guys play for?
What's the difference between Gorbachev and an Essex girl? Gorby knows the names of the eight people that f***ed him!
What do Essex girls use for protection during sex? Bus shelters.
How does an Essex girl turn the light out after sex? She shuts the Car door.
How do you make an Essex girl's eyes sparkle? Shine a torch into her ear.
How can you tell if an Essex girl is having a bad day? Her tampon is behind her ear and she can't find her pencil.
Why does an Essex girl wear knickers? To keep her ankles warm.
What's the difference between an Essex girl and an ironing board? Occasionally you have trouble getting the legs apart on an ironing board.
If this upsets anyone from Essex, dont blame me, after all it's Hereditary.....................lol
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