Stoopid jokes

[santaman2000]

I bought a jig saw puzzle. It said "3 to 5 years" on the box. I did it in 18 months.

How bad were things before sliced bread ?

I got beaten up by an orchestra. They had a history of violins.

Do you realize Betty White is older than sliced bread? That means sliced bread is the best thing since Betty White.

Regarding the orchestra thing, they were banned from tv here. The censers said there was just too much sax and violins for the younger audience.

 

[nobby8126]

I've just seen Michael J Fox up the garden centre, just stood there with his back to the fuschias.

 

[GuestD]

There are three kinds of people in this world. Those who can count, and those who can't.

kleptomaniacs always take things literally.

The last time I took someone out, I got fifteen years.

 

[santaman2000]

There are three kinds of people in this world. Those who can count, and those who can't.

kleptomaniacs always take things literally.

The last time I took someone out, I got fifteen years.

I’m stealing these. LOL

 

[GuestD]

My mate got the sack from the merry go round.
It was a bad case of fun fair dismissal

I keep on getting emails from over 40's in my area looking for action, so I send them my washing.

I met this cowboy with a brown paper hat, paper waistcoat and paper trousers. He was wanted for rustling. (Chick Murray)

 

[Woody girl]

Paddy was mad keen on helicopters. So he took some flying lessons.
Came the day he was ready for his test .
Well said Murphy I want you to get in.. just like I taught you
Switch on the engine.. just like I taught you
Take off and fly around a bit... just like I taught you.
Come down and land gently.. just like I taught you. If you do all that... you'll have passed your test.
So paddy gets in, starts the helicopter up and takes off perfectly.
He goes up... and up.... and up untill he is just a speck in the sky.. then he dissappears.
Murphy is running around in panic! What the feck is he doing!? he shouts peering vainly into the sky.
Suddenly the helicopter appears rushing towards the ground at a great rate.
It crashes on the runway and Murphy runs over.. pulls paddy out and yells ..what the feck were you up too?
Well says Murphy in a faint voice.
I got in.. just like you taught me.
I turned it on .. just like you taught me.
I went up.. and up.. and up... and it got so darn cold up there, i turned the fan off!

Apologies to any Irish friends. But it was an irishwoman told me this joke.

 

[bearbait]

If there's a 50:50 chance of something going wrong, 9 out of 10 times it will.

 

[GuestD]

A truck carrying Vicks Vapor Rub has crashed on the M6. A police spokesman said there will be no congestion for several hours.

 

[GuestD]

Gentlemen, If you had the option of a beautiful, loving wife or, a new car which would you choose, petrol or diesel ?

 

[Woody girl]

Gentlemen, If you had the option of a beautiful, loving wife or, a new car which would you choose, petrol or diesel ?

If I had the choice of a loving husband or a new car... I'd choose a Harley Davidson or a collie dog!
I love men, but I can't eat a whole one. Anyway the bones get stuck in my teeth.

 

[GuestD]

If I had the choice of a loving husband or a new car... I'd choose a Harley Davidson or a collie dog!
I love men, but I can't eat a whole one. Anyway the bones get stuck in my teeth.

Collie's are good. A family of four gets a leg each. Harley Davidson ? The choice of husbands must surely be bad.

 

[Woody girl]

Ah Deekin my dear, who says I want a husband? Harleys don't leave stinky socks on the bedroom floor and dogs never answer back!
Have you seen the gene pool round here? Celibacy is way more fun!

 

[Woody girl]

My mother in law was so short and ugly we had to put up a three foot high fence to stop the neighbours freeking out when she went into the garden.

She went out to the park one day and didn't come back so we went looking for her. We found her playing football with some kids. They had mistaken her for the football !

 

[GuestD]

Ah Deekin my dear, who says I want a husband? Harleys don't leave stinky socks on the bedroom floor and dogs never answer back!
Have you seen the gene pool round here? Celibacy is way more fun!

I could see you with one of these.

 

[Woody girl]

I could see you with one of these.

Mmmm. Dishy!

 

[santaman2000]

Ah Deekin my dear, who says I want a husband? Harleys don't leave stinky socks on the bedroom floor and dogs never answer back!
Have you seen the gene pool round here? Celibacy is way more fun!

And remember, Harley’s don’t leak. They mark their territory.

 

[GuestD]

What is the difference between a Harley Davidson and a dog?
The dog can get in the back of a pickup by itself.

 

[bearbait]

These days half the news cycle is fake news, half is about fake news, and the final half bemoans the impact of this circus on our health, politics and culture. [Quote from Lydia Nicholas]

 

[GuestD]

I found a tube of anti-gloating cream - can't wait to rub it in.

 

[Fadcode]

Sad news............my Wife has just told me she is going to divorce me, she found the receipt for £5000 for plastic surgery I recently had, it was for penis enlargement, I thought she would be thrilled, but she said she can't take any more.