Stoopid jokes

[bearbait]

A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.

In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers.

 

[TLM]

But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.

I did not realize that ethanol has that level of intelligence!

 

[bearbait]

A man runs into a fishmongers with a giant Carp under his arm.

"Do you sell fishcakes?" he says to the fishmonger.

"Of course we do", comes the reply.

The customer breathes a sigh of relief. "Thank God," he says, gesturing to the fish, "it's his birthday."

 

[bearbait]

What do Kermit the Frog and Henry the VIII have in common?
.
.
.
They both have the same middle name.

 

[billycoen]

Camping stores are having an end of season sale at the moment.Now is the winter of our discount tents.

 

[Fadcode]

THE DIFFERENCE IF YOU MARRY A GIRL FROM LIVERPOOL​

Three friends married women from 3 different parts of the world.


The first man married a woman from the Philippines, he told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning, it took a couple of days but on the third day, the house was spotlessly clean and all the dishes were washed and put away.


The second man married a women from Thailand, he gave his wife orders that she was to keep the house clean, do the laundry and cook his meals,. The first day he was disappointed and seen no changes, but by the third day the house was clean the laundry all done, and a huge dinner was on the table when he got home from work.


The third man married a girl from Liverpool, he told her to keep the house clean. get the dishes washed, mow the lawn, do the laundry and have a hot meal ready when he gets home from work, He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he couldn't see anything either, but on the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, and his arm had healed enough so he could make himself a sandwich, and load the dishwasher and make a start on the laundry, although he still has some difficulty when he passes water.

 

[bearbait]

Hopelessly lost, a businessman approaches a local in a village.

"Excuse me", he says, "but what's the quickest way to York?".

The local scratches his head. "Are you walking or driving?" he asks.

"I'm driving", comes the reply.

"Hmmm...", mulls the local, "I'd say that's definitely the quickest way."

 

[billycoen]

Bloke runs into a pub and shouts to his mate,someone has just nicked your car,did you get a good look at him?,no,but i got the reg number...

 

[Scottieoutdoors]

Bloke runs into a pub and shouts to his mate,someone has just nicked your car,did you get a good look at him?,no,but i got the reg number...

"Bloke"... c'mon, just admit it, it's "An Irishman"..

 

[billycoen]

Noooooo,he was a gog like me...

 

[oldtimer]

My wife says she's going to leave me if I don't give up bushcrafting. Such a shame, I'm going to miss her.

 

[bearbait]

[Cartoon from Private Eye]

 

[billycoen]

If Benny and Bjorn from Abba were called Steve and Dave,the band would have been called Asda.

 

[bearbait]

Two parrots sitting on a perch.

One says to the other "Do you smell fish?".

 

[billycoen]

The bloke who invented Dulux paint has been found frozen to death on top of Everest.At the inquest the coroner said he could have done with another coat.

 

[bearbait]

One day Dracula is walking down the street, when suddenly 10 tons of smoked salmon sandwiches, bread rolls, pitted olives, chicken wings, chipolatas, tomato salad, pizza slices, and crisps descend upon him from a great height, knocking him to the ground.

"Oh no!" he gasps with his dying breath, "It's Buffet the Vampire Slayer!".

 

[billycoen]

I've just failed my R.A.F entrance exam. Apparently the bomb bay doors are not an Indian tribute band.

 

[bearbait]

What do you call an Italian man with a rubber toe?


Roberto.

 

[oldtimer]

I signed up for a tracking course but the instructor was useless. He couldn't have followed an elephant having a nosebleed in the snow.

 

[TLM]

He couldn't have followed an elephant having a nosebleed in the snow.

I believe only mammoths wallowed in snow ... so that would be kind of hard ...