Choice phrases...

[Andy BB]

Saw this description in Adventure Bike Rider recently (you know, the mag that stars John Fenna!), and it made me laugh out loud.

"..it was piloted by a 23 year-old with the mechanical sympathy of a Venezuelan mule-farmer"

Anyone got any other choice phrases they'd care to share?

 

[bearbait]

"...has the mental acuity of a lobotomised Pit Pony."

"It's not a matter of life and death: it's more important than that."

"...is about as useful as a fart in a chocolate teapot."

 

[Mesquite]

A teacher at the school where I used to work was bo***ed for putting on a kids report for physics... 'he fails to fully utilise the air he breathes'

 

[Bushwhacker]

"Mixing metaphors is as easy as falling off a piece of cake"

 

[Qwerty]

As scarce as hobby-horse manure

He'd peel an orange in his pocket.

 

[bilmo-p5]

He'd peel an orange in his pocket.

Haven't heard that one for a while.


Q. What's the difference between so-and -so and a coconut?

A. You can get a drink out of a coconut.

 

[maddave]

The weather was wetter than a mermaids hankie

 

[Stringmaker]

"Mixing metaphors is as easy as falling off a piece of cake"

A mixed metaphor to me is like a red rag to a bull...

 

[Qwerty]

The tide wouldn't take her out...

 

[HillBill]

Jeremy Clarkson comes out with some beauties. I know there about cars, but they still crack me up

“The Suzuki Wagon R should be avoided like unprotected sex with an Ethiopian transvestite”

“Koenigsegg are saying that the CCX is more comfortable. More comfortable than what… Being stabbed?”

On the Lotus Elise: “This car is more fun than the entire French air force crashing into a firework factory.”

Sure it’s quiet, for a diesel. But that’s like being well-behaved… for a murderer

 

[Reverend Graham]

Dumb as soup ! (Big Bang Theory)

Got a face like a bulldog licking pee of a thistle.


Rev G

 

[Goatboy]

“She loves nature in spite of what it did to her.” Bette Midler on Princess Anne.

 

[TurboGirl]

'If s/he had one more brain cell, they'd be an amoeba'

'No man is an island, but some of them are pretty long peninsulas' (Ashleigh Bright)

'Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps'

'I remember when the air was clean and the sex was dirty' (George Burns)

Oh and Clives quote that I use as my signature atm of course

 

[Goatboy]

'Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps' Emo Phillips I think

 

[bearbait]

"You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on." (Dean Martin)

 

[Johnnyboy1971]

"I woke up with the broad end of a thick head"
regular thing after too much brandy.

 

[Harvestman]

One more Jeremy Clarksonism, about the new Lambourghini Countach

"Its a bit like driving a washing machine, except that the visibility is worse"

 

[Biker]

Allegedly from teachers comments about students in school reports. Number 10 is my favourite.


1. Since my last report, your child has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.

2. I would not allow this student to breed.

3. Your child has delusions of adequacy.

4. Your son is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

5. Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.

6. The student has a "full six-pack" but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together .

7. This child has been working with glue too much.

8. When your daughter's IQ reaches 50, she should sell.

9. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.

10. If this student were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.

11. It's impossible to believe the sperm that created this child beat out 1,000,000 others.

 

[Biker]

One of the best ones a traffic cop can give is:

"You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here."

 

[maddave]

The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.

One of my all time faves.... "I'm gonna beat him like a red headed stepchild !"