It is if you continue to care and empathise... the problems arise when you forget that she might have stronger feelings than you about certain aspects (and visa versa)... as long as you're fully aware and don't stick a size 9 (or your shoe size, you know what I mean) in your mouth, you can remain friends... help each other out and all that. Just have to resist the whole friends sleeping with other arrangement, because then things will get really complicated!
Best Cure for A Broken Heart?
- Thread starter TeeDee
- Start date
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oh it's possible. with enough time both of you ex will look back and laugh. Took us two years and a family "event" for my ex and myself to talk about everyday things other than what was happening with the kids.
Since then everything has been fine. We dont communicate for months, we both have our own lives now. When we do communicate it's not hostile anymore....Unless she's talking # again.
Seriously man. We have all been there at some point.
People would say things like. it takes the same amount time to get over someone as you were together...BS, you'll be fine in months, not years. just keep on keeping on man.
I know you are not in the mood to hear this and the thought will be far from your mind but you have no idea how many single women are out there. Just be careful, Some are single for a reason.
Plan for some you time. Bag some Munro's. And remember... :You_Rock_
Speaking as the person who was on the receiving end of being fallen out of love with (still with me? lol) if you know the feeling is gone, end things soon.
If you drag your feet about it, your feelings will 'leak' and things will get miserable for both of you. And it could go on for years with you both in limbo and it's just awful when that happens. It's wasting both your lives and that will give her added cause for resentment afterwards.
Do not under any circumstances say, "I still love you but I'm not in love with you" as it risks your personal safety. I did manage to restrain myself; she may not. Just trust me on this one.
Sit her down, tell her that you're very sorry but your feelings have changed to friendship / companionship / whatever you want to call it and you want to separate. Say that you want to remain on good terms (if you do). Have some plans ready for how you separate eg are you currently living together or sharing bills etc. Don't rush the conversation as it may all be a big shock to her and she'll need to ask questions and process what's happening. And yes, she might cry and you might feel uncomfortable but you're still doing the right thing for both of you so stick to it.
Have a plan for what you're going to do immediately afterwards - move out? Spend a few hours with a mate while you both get your heads together? Go back home if you have your own place?
If she's taken it ok-ish (ie not actually unbalanced or threatening you) it would probably be nice to text every so often through the next week to check how she is and then you can reduce contact to whatever you're happy with.
In the words of the well known sports manufacturer, just do it. I was glad my ex finally got brave enough to admit how he felt, and very miffed he hadn't had the guts to do it 3 years earlier which is when he should have.
EDIT - unless you've already done the dumping, in which case all the previous replies give good advice for her... be nice to her and give her time...
If you drag your feet about it, your feelings will 'leak' and things will get miserable for both of you. And it could go on for years with you both in limbo and it's just awful when that happens. It's wasting both your lives and that will give her added cause for resentment afterwards.
Do not under any circumstances say, "I still love you but I'm not in love with you" as it risks your personal safety. I did manage to restrain myself; she may not. Just trust me on this one.
Sit her down, tell her that you're very sorry but your feelings have changed to friendship / companionship / whatever you want to call it and you want to separate. Say that you want to remain on good terms (if you do). Have some plans ready for how you separate eg are you currently living together or sharing bills etc. Don't rush the conversation as it may all be a big shock to her and she'll need to ask questions and process what's happening. And yes, she might cry and you might feel uncomfortable but you're still doing the right thing for both of you so stick to it.
Have a plan for what you're going to do immediately afterwards - move out? Spend a few hours with a mate while you both get your heads together? Go back home if you have your own place?
If she's taken it ok-ish (ie not actually unbalanced or threatening you) it would probably be nice to text every so often through the next week to check how she is and then you can reduce contact to whatever you're happy with.
In the words of the well known sports manufacturer, just do it. I was glad my ex finally got brave enough to admit how he felt, and very miffed he hadn't had the guts to do it 3 years earlier which is when he should have.
EDIT - unless you've already done the dumping, in which case all the previous replies give good advice for her... be nice to her and give her time...
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Not talking seems to be the biggest problem in most troubled relationships, hopefully you can both now move on and enjoy what life throws at you next.
wish i would know the answer to that question- i had my fair share of disappointments (and have another one just heading my way right now...) and still have not found the solution... . guess for myself i can quote phil o brien: ""a relationship is something what happened to two people in a movie i saw once"". in fact the only person who in romantic terms never disappointed me was a horse (before anyone gets wrong ideas- it was strictly spiritual- not physical!)
in my (so far) worst experience a dog helped me to get over it: i rescued her from a soup pot (but came to late for her two siblings- although i later pointed the bone at the guy who ate them) and she afterwards adopted me as her daddy. i was devastated when they took her away from　me a few weeks later; i never saw her again or found out what happened to her
(sorry for my rant, i guess i'm not very helpful...)
in my (so far) worst experience a dog helped me to get over it: i rescued her from a soup pot (but came to late for her two siblings- although i later pointed the bone at the guy who ate them) and she afterwards adopted me as her daddy. i was devastated when they took her away from　me a few weeks later; i never saw her again or found out what happened to her
(sorry for my rant, i guess i'm not very helpful...)
[video=youtube;NHOf3s70w-c]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NHOf3s70w-c[/video]
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glad to read that! i hope i'm not classified ""completely looney"" now for calling a horse my girlfriend and a dog my daughter (and performing acts of aboriginal black magic)....
Do it without Lawyers. Is there a House and kids.? Doesn't matter. do it without lawyers if at all possible...only one winner in that scenario.
Hi TeeDee.
You should both go to see the Citizens advice Bureau together, who will tell you where you stand, and avoids lawyers.
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Can't talk from personal experience, I've been married to the same woman for 54 years, but both my sons have been in your position and were very unhappy at the time. Both are now in far happier circumstances with the best daughters-in-law you could imagine: they both make my boys happy and grounded. So as has been said above, time heals.
I attended a wedding last year of two people in the village, both of them having had broken marriages following heart-breaking events with their exes. Two things they said at the wedding stood out:
"How lucky we are to have found one another at this stage in our lives before it was too late."
She said, "Isn't it wonderful what you can get on the internet nowadays?"
Apparently they had both gone on a lonely hearts internet site and both were one another's first date. Quite a tribute to the matching up process it seems to me. It also occurs to me that, judging from responses to your post, the internet is a good place to find friends you didn't know you had. I'm just one of many wishing you well!
I attended a wedding last year of two people in the village, both of them having had broken marriages following heart-breaking events with their exes. Two things they said at the wedding stood out:
"How lucky we are to have found one another at this stage in our lives before it was too late."
She said, "Isn't it wonderful what you can get on the internet nowadays?"
Apparently they had both gone on a lonely hearts internet site and both were one another's first date. Quite a tribute to the matching up process it seems to me. It also occurs to me that, judging from responses to your post, the internet is a good place to find friends you didn't know you had. I'm just one of many wishing you well!
Hello my friend, I've just read the whole lot - tough territory for you and for many on the forum too. So, some suggestions from a female who has been the leaver and the left.
Firstly if you're the one doing the leaving, do the leaving. By this I mean once you've said it is over accept you are no longer responsible for helping her be ok about being left. It is incredibly hard to process someone saying they don't want to be with you and then having them check how you are every few days. It maintains a link which actually no longer exists.
My husband managed to be friends with his former partner for several years after they split. He made her feel good about herself when she had behaved rather badly, I think it helped her but it had horrible consequences for him. Your ex partner may work very hard to ensure you feel ok about leaving when really she should spend time on herself. It might make you feel better, but at the moment that's not her job (I don't know if it was when you were together or not) and even though you may not mean to make it her job, it just does.
For you, to make a clean break might mean you feel a bit worse about yourself as you're not there to help make it right, but you can't make it right, horrible though that is, especially if you have been good at making things right in the relationship. It's a terrible thing but there are no heroes in a separation.
For you to come out ok means leaving, for her to come out ok means you leaving too, not half leaving. There's a complicated psychological explanation that involves the receipt and sending of mixed signals in this situation, because I can well imagine that it is horrible for you too. You don't want to be the bad guy I imagine, and the leaver is often cast in that role. Well, it's not true. The leaver isn't bad, they are just the leaver.
The last time I was broken up with I desperately wanted him to come back and be back. But when he did, just to check up on me, he left all over again each time. That was bad. In the end I realised that it met some need of his for me to say it was ok for him to leave. He needed permission at some level. I recognised this but was in no position to give it. If this is part of what's going on, I very much regret you have to give yourself permission.
Last time I was a breaker up I read up quite a lot about it. The best visual I have is a piece of bluetac - stay with me, I'll get to the point quickly. Imagine a piece of blue tac. You know quite warm and sticky. To break it in two you can go two ways, one you stretch and stretch slowly until it gets thinner and thinner and gradually breaks leaving at sticky mess and trail and hanging bits. The other way you snap it in two. It's a bit brutal and sharp and the bits don't always come away cleanly but it's done. You could go either way, snap it, which I know is tough for both parties, or go for sticky and protracted, which is also tough for both parties.
So, I guess what I'm asking is, do you need permission? Do you feel like you have to be the one to sort it? (You may have been the sorter in the relationship) are you the one who makes things ok? And if you answer yes, to any of these, do you have a sense of what might help you feel like you should be responsible only for the things that are to do with you and not for how your ex partner feels or recovers? Because I really believe you are not responsible for her ongoingly, she has to be free too.
If any of this comes across abruptly, that's absolutely not my intention. I have a feeling that there is a lot of chivalry amongst bushcraft men who in general hate the thought of upsetting the women in their lives and who would do anything rather than that. So I really feel for you. And even if you're not the chivalrous type, more the caring empathic bloke, I know this is really horrible for you, but you can't heal someone else's hurt especially if you caused it, that can just be a bit of self ego stroking masquerading as care. sometimes a short burst of hurt prevents a whole world of hurt later.
I'm writing all this because it's tough to know that leaving really means leaving. And that's kinder in the long term.
Firstly if you're the one doing the leaving, do the leaving. By this I mean once you've said it is over accept you are no longer responsible for helping her be ok about being left. It is incredibly hard to process someone saying they don't want to be with you and then having them check how you are every few days. It maintains a link which actually no longer exists.
My husband managed to be friends with his former partner for several years after they split. He made her feel good about herself when she had behaved rather badly, I think it helped her but it had horrible consequences for him. Your ex partner may work very hard to ensure you feel ok about leaving when really she should spend time on herself. It might make you feel better, but at the moment that's not her job (I don't know if it was when you were together or not) and even though you may not mean to make it her job, it just does.
For you, to make a clean break might mean you feel a bit worse about yourself as you're not there to help make it right, but you can't make it right, horrible though that is, especially if you have been good at making things right in the relationship. It's a terrible thing but there are no heroes in a separation.
For you to come out ok means leaving, for her to come out ok means you leaving too, not half leaving. There's a complicated psychological explanation that involves the receipt and sending of mixed signals in this situation, because I can well imagine that it is horrible for you too. You don't want to be the bad guy I imagine, and the leaver is often cast in that role. Well, it's not true. The leaver isn't bad, they are just the leaver.
The last time I was broken up with I desperately wanted him to come back and be back. But when he did, just to check up on me, he left all over again each time. That was bad. In the end I realised that it met some need of his for me to say it was ok for him to leave. He needed permission at some level. I recognised this but was in no position to give it. If this is part of what's going on, I very much regret you have to give yourself permission.
Last time I was a breaker up I read up quite a lot about it. The best visual I have is a piece of bluetac - stay with me, I'll get to the point quickly. Imagine a piece of blue tac. You know quite warm and sticky. To break it in two you can go two ways, one you stretch and stretch slowly until it gets thinner and thinner and gradually breaks leaving at sticky mess and trail and hanging bits. The other way you snap it in two. It's a bit brutal and sharp and the bits don't always come away cleanly but it's done. You could go either way, snap it, which I know is tough for both parties, or go for sticky and protracted, which is also tough for both parties.
So, I guess what I'm asking is, do you need permission? Do you feel like you have to be the one to sort it? (You may have been the sorter in the relationship) are you the one who makes things ok? And if you answer yes, to any of these, do you have a sense of what might help you feel like you should be responsible only for the things that are to do with you and not for how your ex partner feels or recovers? Because I really believe you are not responsible for her ongoingly, she has to be free too.
If any of this comes across abruptly, that's absolutely not my intention. I have a feeling that there is a lot of chivalry amongst bushcraft men who in general hate the thought of upsetting the women in their lives and who would do anything rather than that. So I really feel for you. And even if you're not the chivalrous type, more the caring empathic bloke, I know this is really horrible for you, but you can't heal someone else's hurt especially if you caused it, that can just be a bit of self ego stroking masquerading as care. sometimes a short burst of hurt prevents a whole world of hurt later.
I'm writing all this because it's tough to know that leaving really means leaving. And that's kinder in the long term.
Yes, you're right, with children it has to be clear you're not leaving them even if you are the one leaving the family.
Unless, just sometimes, you are. One of my friends left children behind. he had been their father for most of their lives although not biologically. His former partner made it clear that they weren't his to stay in touch with, so he swallowed his hurt and pain and let go, and eventually accepted that what happened with them next was outside his influence.
I left someone whose son I had been a step mother to. I didn't get to explain, I didn't get to say sorry, I didn't get to make arrangements for future contact, I didn't get to hug him. What ever he felt, I didn't get to help him through it (and I suspect his dad was crap at it). So, I don't get to feel ok about it. I just accept it. It is what it is. And I have forgiven myself for it, to me Forgiveness is giving up hope of a better past.
Unless, just sometimes, you are. One of my friends left children behind. he had been their father for most of their lives although not biologically. His former partner made it clear that they weren't his to stay in touch with, so he swallowed his hurt and pain and let go, and eventually accepted that what happened with them next was outside his influence.
I left someone whose son I had been a step mother to. I didn't get to explain, I didn't get to say sorry, I didn't get to make arrangements for future contact, I didn't get to hug him. What ever he felt, I didn't get to help him through it (and I suspect his dad was crap at it). So, I don't get to feel ok about it. I just accept it. It is what it is. And I have forgiven myself for it, to me Forgiveness is giving up hope of a better past.
