Survival Jokes
- Thread starter SMARTY
- Start date
-
Hey Guest, Early bird pricing on the Summer Moot (29th July - 10th August) available until April 6th, we'd love you to come. PLEASE CLICK HERE to early bird price and get more information.
How many survivalists does it take to change a lightbulb?
Nine
One to change the bulb
One to check the blackout
One to make sure no one blabs about having lightbulbs
And six to guard the perimeter!
Red
Nine
One to change the bulb
One to check the blackout
One to make sure no one blabs about having lightbulbs
And six to guard the perimeter!
Red
xylaria
Bushcrafter (boy, I've got a lot to say!)
National parks in the US give advise out to hikers on how to avoid bear attacks. They advise attaching bells to your clothing so the bear isn't starteled into an attack, and carrying pepper spray incase you come to close to bear. They also have posters up the rangers stations on how to spot signs of differant types of bears in the locality. Black bears will mark an area with scat that has berries and fish bones in, grizzles will produce scat with bells in it and smells of pepper.
Two tourists are hiking in Africa when they spot a lion coming in the grass. suddenly it charges towards them at full speed. One guy bends down and starts tying his shoelaces.
"what are you doing?" his friends says. "there is no way on earth you are going to outrun a lion!"
"Im not trying to outrun the Lion" says the guy tying his shoelaces.
"Im trying to outrun you!"
"what are you doing?" his friends says. "there is no way on earth you are going to outrun a lion!"
"Im not trying to outrun the Lion" says the guy tying his shoelaces.
"Im trying to outrun you!"
The scoutmaster was teaching the scouts about survival in the desert.
"What are the three most important things you should bring with you in case you get lost in the desert?" he asked. Several hands went up, and many important things were suggested such as food, matches, etc.
Then one young scout raised his hand.
"Yes Johnny, what are the three most important things you would bring with you?" asked the Scoutmaster.
Johnny replied, "A compass, a canteen of water, and a deck of cards."
"Why's that Johnny?"
Johnny answered, "The compass is to find the right direction and the water is to prevent dehydration..."
"And what about the deck of cards?" asked the scoutmaster.
"Well, Sir, as soon as you start playing Solitaire, someone is bound to come up behind you and say, 'Put that red nine on top of that black ten!"'
oh and this one is as old as the hills but always good for a chuckle.
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal, they lay down for the night and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. Holmes said: "Watson, look up and tell me what you see".
Watson said: "I see a fantastic panorama of countless stars".
Holmes: "And what does that tell you?"
Watson pondered for a moment: "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow."
"Why? - What does it tell you, Holmes?"
Holmes was silent for a moment then spoke: "Someone has stolen our tent."
"What are the three most important things you should bring with you in case you get lost in the desert?" he asked. Several hands went up, and many important things were suggested such as food, matches, etc.
Then one young scout raised his hand.
"Yes Johnny, what are the three most important things you would bring with you?" asked the Scoutmaster.
Johnny replied, "A compass, a canteen of water, and a deck of cards."
"Why's that Johnny?"
Johnny answered, "The compass is to find the right direction and the water is to prevent dehydration..."
"And what about the deck of cards?" asked the scoutmaster.
"Well, Sir, as soon as you start playing Solitaire, someone is bound to come up behind you and say, 'Put that red nine on top of that black ten!"'
oh and this one is as old as the hills but always good for a chuckle.
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal, they lay down for the night and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. Holmes said: "Watson, look up and tell me what you see".
Watson said: "I see a fantastic panorama of countless stars".
Holmes: "And what does that tell you?"
Watson pondered for a moment: "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow."
"Why? - What does it tell you, Holmes?"
Holmes was silent for a moment then spoke: "Someone has stolen our tent."
"Dinners ready" bells and the meal provides its own seasoning. The bears must have had a poll "How do you like your human" and posted it to the rangers.
Two mexicans are lost in a desert with no food or water.
They discuss the situation and decide to head south.
After a full day and night they are still lost and beginning to despair
Finally near the point of exhaustion one of them looks up and sees a wonderful oasis with trees, shade and water,
"Look, look what i see" said one to the other
The other looks up and sees it too
" Is it a mirage"
"i dont think so"
"well whats that in that tree, and whats that smell"
"it smells like bacon"
"no, no, it smells like pork, it even looks like pieces of pork"
"it has to be a mirage"
"ill go take a look, you wait here"
One of them starts heading towards the oasis, he has maybe got half way when some shots ring out and he drops down to the ground, obviously injured. His friend, concerned goes running to him.
"are you ok"
" no, i've been shot, it's........"
"si"
"its..............."
"si"
"its a ham bush"
They discuss the situation and decide to head south.
After a full day and night they are still lost and beginning to despair
Finally near the point of exhaustion one of them looks up and sees a wonderful oasis with trees, shade and water,
"Look, look what i see" said one to the other
The other looks up and sees it too
" Is it a mirage"
"i dont think so"
"well whats that in that tree, and whats that smell"
"it smells like bacon"
"no, no, it smells like pork, it even looks like pieces of pork"
"it has to be a mirage"
"ill go take a look, you wait here"
One of them starts heading towards the oasis, he has maybe got half way when some shots ring out and he drops down to the ground, obviously injured. His friend, concerned goes running to him.
"are you ok"
" no, i've been shot, it's........"
"si"
"its..............."
"si"
"its a ham bush"
Why did the mushroom go to the disco? Because he was a fun guy!!!!!
Why did he leave early? Because there wasn't mushroom!!!
Why did he leave early? Because there wasn't mushroom!!!
3 Men out camping for the weekend.
One turns to the other and signs "I have to promise the wife a new pair of shoes before she'd let me come away this weekend"
Nodding, the 2nd man says "I know what you mean - I had to promise to re-paint the spare room before I was allowed to come away"
Both men turned to the 3rd man who was quietly smiling.
"What did you have to promise?"
"Nothing" he smiled, "I just set the alarm clock for 5:00am. When it want off I nudged the missus and asked "camping or sex?"
One turns to the other and signs "I have to promise the wife a new pair of shoes before she'd let me come away this weekend"
Nodding, the 2nd man says "I know what you mean - I had to promise to re-paint the spare room before I was allowed to come away"
Both men turned to the 3rd man who was quietly smiling.
"What did you have to promise?"
"Nothing" he smiled, "I just set the alarm clock for 5:00am. When it want off I nudged the missus and asked "camping or sex?"
A passenger plane is suddenly hit with a severe engine problem and plummets into the Ocean. The impact is such that the plane is ripped apart leaving only one man alive. After hours of swimming he spies an island and drags himself up onto the sandy shores.
Though he is half drowned and aware that he is thousands of miles from home, he cannot help but admire the beauty of the island he has found himself on.
Looking down the beach he sees a figure lying on the beach, another survivor from the crash. He runs over and sees that she is not breathing, so quickly he gives her the kiss of life. After several attempts she coughs into life.
As she wipes the hair from her face he now can see who it is... it's Kylie Minogue!
Forever grateful to him for saving her life, they strike up an immediate bond, and over the following weeks, while stranded on the island, they fall madly in love.
One day Kylie is walking down the beach and notices her new-found love sitting on the rocks by the beach, staring out to sea, with a look of sorrow on his face. She wanders over to him, and asks what is wrong.
"Kylie," he says, "The last few weeks have been the greatest of my life. We've found this island paradise. We have all the food and water we could require, and I have you, but still I can't help feel there's something missing."
Kylie replies: "What my darling? What is it that you need ? I'll do anything."
"Well there is one thing. Would you mind putting on my shirt?"
"OK"
"And my trousers?"
"OK"
At this point he gets up and grabs some charcoal from the ground, and draws a neat moustache on her.
"OK... Can you start to walk around the island, and I'll set off in the other direction and meet you half way."
"OK dear, whatever will make you happy?"
So off they go. After an hour walking he eventually sees her heading towards him along the beach, at which point he breaks into a sprint, runs up to her, grabs her by the shoulders and shouts:
"Hey mate, you won't believe who I'm shagging!!
Though he is half drowned and aware that he is thousands of miles from home, he cannot help but admire the beauty of the island he has found himself on.
Looking down the beach he sees a figure lying on the beach, another survivor from the crash. He runs over and sees that she is not breathing, so quickly he gives her the kiss of life. After several attempts she coughs into life.
As she wipes the hair from her face he now can see who it is... it's Kylie Minogue!
Forever grateful to him for saving her life, they strike up an immediate bond, and over the following weeks, while stranded on the island, they fall madly in love.
One day Kylie is walking down the beach and notices her new-found love sitting on the rocks by the beach, staring out to sea, with a look of sorrow on his face. She wanders over to him, and asks what is wrong.
"Kylie," he says, "The last few weeks have been the greatest of my life. We've found this island paradise. We have all the food and water we could require, and I have you, but still I can't help feel there's something missing."
Kylie replies: "What my darling? What is it that you need ? I'll do anything."
"Well there is one thing. Would you mind putting on my shirt?"
"OK"
"And my trousers?"
"OK"
At this point he gets up and grabs some charcoal from the ground, and draws a neat moustache on her.
"OK... Can you start to walk around the island, and I'll set off in the other direction and meet you half way."
"OK dear, whatever will make you happy?"
So off they go. After an hour walking he eventually sees her heading towards him along the beach, at which point he breaks into a sprint, runs up to her, grabs her by the shoulders and shouts:
"Hey mate, you won't believe who I'm shagging!!
A plane crashes into the sea and the three survivors, Daisy, Darren and Dave, swim to a nearby island.
After a few weeks it becomes apparent that theres no rescue coming, after a year Daisy, Darren and Dave start 'doing what comes naturally'
Another year passes and Daisy, feeling guilty for fooling around with both Darren and Dave, kills herself.
Once the boys get over the shock they too start 'doing what comes naturally'
After another year passes the guys, feeling guilty about their current behaviour, bury her
After a few weeks it becomes apparent that theres no rescue coming, after a year Daisy, Darren and Dave start 'doing what comes naturally'
Another year passes and Daisy, feeling guilty for fooling around with both Darren and Dave, kills herself.
Once the boys get over the shock they too start 'doing what comes naturally'
After another year passes the guys, feeling guilty about their current behaviour, bury her
A park ranger in Alaska has to take his trainee out to radio tag some black bear cubs.
They arrive on site and the Ranger and unpacks a large throw net, several radio transmitters. a 44 magnum and a fierce looking dog from the back of the pick up and explains to the Rookie.
"I shall climb the tree that the cub is resting in, and shake it real hard. The dog has been trained to run forward when the bear falls out of the tree and bite his wedding tackle which paralises the bear long enough for you to throw the net over the bearcub. Do you understand what you have to do?
"Yes, I've got it. but why have I got to carry the gun? this is a research project and were not supposed to hurt any bears."
" If I should fall out of the tree before the cub does, you shoot that F**kin dog!"
They arrive on site and the Ranger and unpacks a large throw net, several radio transmitters. a 44 magnum and a fierce looking dog from the back of the pick up and explains to the Rookie.
"I shall climb the tree that the cub is resting in, and shake it real hard. The dog has been trained to run forward when the bear falls out of the tree and bite his wedding tackle which paralises the bear long enough for you to throw the net over the bearcub. Do you understand what you have to do?
"Yes, I've got it. but why have I got to carry the gun? this is a research project and were not supposed to hurt any bears."
" If I should fall out of the tree before the cub does, you shoot that F**kin dog!"
Dr watson and holmes are out camping........
Watson is awoken in the middle of the night by Holmes who says
"Watson, look up at the sky, do you see the stars.......what can be deduced from this??"
"Well" says Watsons "There are an infinate amount of stars up there, if each one of those was a star like our sun it would create billions of galaxies, and if there werebillions of galaxies, there must be life on eath somewhere"
"Very good" says holmes "Very good indeed but as always my friend you have failed to deduce a key point.......
Someones nicked our bloody tent"
Watson is awoken in the middle of the night by Holmes who says
"Watson, look up at the sky, do you see the stars.......what can be deduced from this??"
"Well" says Watsons "There are an infinate amount of stars up there, if each one of those was a star like our sun it would create billions of galaxies, and if there werebillions of galaxies, there must be life on eath somewhere"
"Very good" says holmes "Very good indeed but as always my friend you have failed to deduce a key point.......
Someones nicked our bloody tent"
A man is ship wrecked on a island along with only his sheepdog and a sheep for company.
After a couple of days, they start a tradition of all sitting on the beach and watching the sunset.
One sunset, the man looks at the beauty of the colours in the sky, and starts to feel romantic feelings. So he puts his arm around the sheep, but the dog starts growling at the man.
Worried, the man removes his hand, and surpresses his feelings.
A couple of months later, a beautiful woman is washed ashore, and after a couple of days recovery, he invites her to join them in the tradition of watching the sunset with the dog and the sheep.
One romantic sunset soon after, the man askes the woman "I've been here a long time, would you please do me a favour?"
"Of course" she says.
"Could you take the dog for a walk?"..........
After a couple of days, they start a tradition of all sitting on the beach and watching the sunset.
One sunset, the man looks at the beauty of the colours in the sky, and starts to feel romantic feelings. So he puts his arm around the sheep, but the dog starts growling at the man.
Worried, the man removes his hand, and surpresses his feelings.
A couple of months later, a beautiful woman is washed ashore, and after a couple of days recovery, he invites her to join them in the tradition of watching the sunset with the dog and the sheep.
One romantic sunset soon after, the man askes the woman "I've been here a long time, would you please do me a favour?"
"Of course" she says.
"Could you take the dog for a walk?"..........
Similar threads
