Survival Jokes

[Bushwhacker]

Bad news.

What with the credit crunch and all, I've lost my job, got a stomach ulcer,
lost my company car, I'm probably going to lose my house soon and I reckon I'll have to resort to eating the cat to survive.

The good news?

I have two cats.

 

[jonquirk]

A plane crashes into the sea and the three survivors, Daisy, Darren and Dave, swim to a nearby island.
After a few weeks it becomes apparent that theres no rescue coming, after a year Daisy, Darren and Dave start 'doing what comes naturally'
Another year passes and Daisy, feeling guilty for fooling around with both Darren and Dave, kills herself.
Once the boys get over the shock they too start 'doing what comes naturally'
After another year passes the guys, feeling guilty about their current behaviour, bury her

A little while later Darren and Dave turn to each other to start 'doing what comes naturally'. Another year passes and the guys, feeling guilty, dig her up again.

 

[The Cumbrian]

Two men were shipwrecked in the South Pacific, but luckily the wreckage that they clung to drifted to a beautiful island. The island was full of fruit and game, and had a plentiful supply of water. Unfortunately, they were soon captured by the fierce tribe of cannibals that lived on there.
Just before they were about to be killed and eaten, the men begged to be spared. The chief, being a practical man, said that they should split up and search the island for a food that the tribe had never had before. If one of them provided the tribe with a new foodstuff, then they both would live.
One of the men was sent into the mountains on the island, and the other to the lowlands.
The man sent to the highlands searched for three days, and found many edible plants, all of which he discounted, as he had seen the tribe eating them during his stay. Just before he was about to give up in despair, he was amazed to find some wild vines, with the plumpest, juiciest grapes that he'd ever seen. He picked the best bunch and raced down to see the chief.
When he showed the chief his discovery, he was dismayed to hear the chief say that the tribe had known about the grapes for hundreds of years, that they had hillside full of them just around the next spur from where the man found the grapes, and that they made a cheeky little red out of them that went particularly well with human flesh.
The man asked for one more chance, and the chief, who wasn't a humourless man, said that if the man could stuff all of the grapes up his bum without laughing, with all the tribe watching, then he could live.
One by one, the man put the grapes up his bum, whilst the tribe pointed and laughed. As he was getting to the last one, he could see how ridiculous his situation was, and he found it hard to keep a straight face. As he was about to pop the last one up, he burst out in uncontrollable laughter.
Eventually, when he and the whole tribe had stopped laughing, the chief asked him why he had started laughing then, at the last grape?
The man answered through his tears of laughter: because my mate's walking down the beach with a bunch of coconuts.

 

[alpha_centaur]

Two men were shipwrecked in the South Pacific, but luckily the wreckage that they clung to drifted to a beautiful island. The island was full of fruit and game, and had a plentiful supply of water. Unfortunately, they were soon captured by the fierce tribe of cannibals that lived on there.
Just before they were about to be killed and eaten, the men begged to be spared. The chief, being a practical man, said that they should split up and search the island for a food that the tribe had never had before. If one of them provided the tribe with a new foodstuff, then they both would live.
One of the men was sent into the mountains on the island, and the other to the lowlands.
The man sent to the highlands searched for three days, and found many edible plants, all of which he discounted, as he had seen the tribe eating them during his stay. Just before he was about to give up in despair, he was amazed to find some wild vines, with the plumpest, juiciest grapes that he'd ever seen. He picked the best bunch and raced down to see the chief.
When he showed the chief his discovery, he was dismayed to hear the chief say that the tribe had known about the grapes for hundreds of years, that they had hillside full of them just around the next spur from where the man found the grapes, and that they made a cheeky little red out of them that went particularly well with human flesh.
The man asked for one more chance, and the chief, who wasn't a humourless man, said that if the man could stuff all of the grapes up his bum without laughing, with all the tribe watching, then he could live.
One by one, the man put the grapes up his bum, whilst the tribe pointed and laughed. As he was getting to the last one, he could see how ridiculous his situation was, and he found it hard to keep a straight face. As he was about to pop the last one up, he burst out in uncontrollable laughter.
Eventually, when he and the whole tribe had stopped laughing, the chief asked him why he had started laughing then, at the last grape?
The man answered through his tears of laughter: because my mate's walking down the beach with a bunch of coconuts.

Slightly different version:

Theres no need to read the whole joke again just the last word


Two men were shipwrecked in the South Pacific, but luckily the wreckage that they clung to drifted to a beautiful island. The island was full of fruit and game, and had a plentiful supply of water. Unfortunately, they were soon captured by the fierce tribe of cannibals that lived on there.
Just before they were about to be killed and eaten, the men begged to be spared. The chief, being a practical man, said that they should split up and search the island for a food that the tribe had never had before. If one of them provided the tribe with a new foodstuff, then they both would live.
One of the men was sent into the mountains on the island, and the other to the lowlands.
The man sent to the highlands searched for three days, and found many edible plants, all of which he discounted, as he had seen the tribe eating them during his stay. Just before he was about to give up in despair, he was amazed to find some wild vines, with the plumpest, juiciest grapes that he'd ever seen. He picked the best bunch and raced down to see the chief.
When he showed the chief his discovery, he was dismayed to hear the chief say that the tribe had known about the grapes for hundreds of years, that they had hillside full of them just around the next spur from where the man found the grapes, and that they made a cheeky little red out of them that went particularly well with human flesh.
The man asked for one more chance, and the chief, who wasn't a humourless man, said that if the man could stuff all of the grapes up his bum without laughing, with all the tribe watching, then he could live.
One by one, the man put the grapes up his bum, whilst the tribe pointed and laughed. As he was getting to the last one, he could see how ridiculous his situation was, and he found it hard to keep a straight face. As he was about to pop the last one up, he burst out in uncontrollable laughter.
Eventually, when he and the whole tribe had stopped laughing, the chief asked him why he had started laughing then, at the last grape?
The man answered through his tears of laughter: because my mate's walking down the beach with a bunch of pineapples.

 

[Sleepy Weasel]

A magician was working on a cruise ship, during his shows his act was continualy ruined by the ship's parrot. The parrot would always spoil the end by shouting out 'he's got the card up his sleeve!' or 'It's a different rabbit' This continued all through the cruise and the magician was getting mighty hacked off at this damn parrot.

One night the cruise ship hit an iceberg and sank, the only two survivors who managed to get to a liferaft was the magician, and the parrot. For 5 days they sat drifting aimlessly with the magician at one end of the boat, and the parrot at the other, neither saying any thing to each other.

Finally, after 6 days of silence, the parrot says

'I give up, what did you do with the ship?'

 

[Rebel]

Three men, an Englishman, Frenchman and an Irish man were stranded on a desert island. The months went by and then one day an ancient bottle was washed ashore.

They picked it up and inspected it together. The Englishman rubbed it clean and as he did a genie emerged from the bottle.

"I can grant you three wishes for releasing me from the bottle," he said. "One wish for each of you."

"That's great," the Englishman said. "I wish I was back home sitting in front of the fire with a brandy and a cigar."

"Your wish is granted," the genie replied and poof the Englishman returned home.

"I wish I was back in France surrounded by beautiful women of pleasure waiting on me," said the Frenchman.

"Your wish is granted," the genie replied and poof the Frenchman was in a brothel in France.

"The last wish is yours," the genie said to the Irishman. "Then I will be gone forever."

The Irishman looked around him and said, "Gee, it's lonely without the other fellows here, I wish they were back!"

 

[Belfastman1958]

Ray Mears was being interviewed by a reporter.

"The reporter asks, "What exactly is it that you do, Ray?"

Ray says, Actually, I'm a spy".

The reporter retorts, "But why are you always dressed something like a shepherd?"

Ray replies.............

"I'm a Shepherds Spy"!!!!!!!

 

[Hammock_man]

To show the differences in out look, a TV show planned to drop a 61 year old bushcrafter and a 16 year old city kid in a wood and see how they manage to live and travel for 3 days.

After the first 12 hours the 61 year old has gathered wood, made cordage from wild plants and fashioned a carrying frame. He kills a rabbit, gathers wild mushrooms, garlic and herbs. Soon a fire is going thanks to a bow drill and the soup is cooking in a pot made from the rabbit skin.

The young lad has gathered a big stick and not much else.

The tv crew ask the young lad what he intends to do. “As soon as the old man has shared his soup like he said, I’m going to wack him with the stick and nick his gear.”

They ask the same of the old man “As soon as he’s finished tripping from the mushrooms, I am going to tie him up and get him to carry my kit!!!”

 

[John Fenna]

Love it!

 

[leahcim]

how to tell if you are seeing a black bear or a grizzly bear out west.

1. climb up a tree
2. if bear climbs up and eats you - it is a black bear
3. if the bear tears down the tree and eats you, you have a rizzly bear

but with this method you are sure to know what bear is eating you for lunch.