Unwanted visitors

[Kepis]

When they turn up here i ask them for their credit card, when they ask why i tell them i charge my time at £300.00 per hour and if i can take their card details i would be happy to speak with them, works every time also works well on cold callers on the phone as well, completely stumps them.

Best one though was my old man, he was doing some gloss work in the house years ago when a load of JW's turned up on the doorstep, without thinking he opened the door still with the brush in his hand and smeared gloss all over a very expensive solid oak door, as he did so he uttered "oh carp" or words to the effect, the JW's never uttered a word, turned round and left.

 

[firecrest]

Yes they are very polite these missionaries! My ex was raised a mormon and did the whole missionary thing. when he was nearly dead with blood poisoning in south america they politely told they couldnt pay for his medical bills because it was gods will. His family them politely disowned him when he lost his faith and the mormon church politely chased him over three states and 20 years with polite christmas and birthday cards invites and weekly visits from preachers , wittnessers and missionaries.They have an office speficially dedicated to keeping track of "people who fell by the wayside" and no matter where you move they will find you. Its all done with big Osmond smiles and pressed trousers, but its trespass and harrassment. Even court orders don't stop them coming round if you have joined the church and then leave, and when you die they have the right to baptise the dead (they assume you accepted it)

 

[firecrest]

I suppose I aught to mention with that that Im not simply targeting a religion there, its just sometimes fun to invite missionaries in and debate with them, but if you actually arent interested in joining their religion but give them your name and number you WILL have trouble getting rid of them for a long time if they think you are interested.

 

[a12jpm]

What about - " oh you brought a book with you, hold on i'll go and get mine. By a chap called Darwin......"

 

[Indoorsout]

Darwin? Nahh, I've got one by Crowley, self-styled Master Therion That one would get them running

 

[Rebel]

I usually tell them, "Wow Praise God I'm a Christian too!"

For some reason JWs & Mormons don't care to hear that. If that doesn't put them off I invite them to my church and start quoting the Bible to them. That really scares them because there's no way they'd go to somebody else's church and the only Bible they know is what they've been prepared with for the day's witnessing trip.

They usually only last a few minutes and it's much more fun that telling them I'm busy and shutting the door in their face.

I remember one place I lived was a fifteen minute walk from the road and the closest neighbour was about a twenty five minute walk and I'd still get JWs coming around. I felt bad for them when I told them I wasn't interested and they had to walk all the way back without even giving me a copy of the Watchtower.

I also lived right next to their HQ in Mill Hill. You should see the property and all the vehicles they've got up there, you can spot them a mile off when they are walking around.

Did you ever hear the joke about the guy going to heaven and one of the angels is showing him around. He sees all the beautiful buildings the open spaces, happy people and activity then he comes to a huge wall with a Do Not Disturb sign on it.

Behind the wall are people in suits and sensible clothes walking around solemnly.

"What's that?" he asks.
"That's the Jehovah''s Witness corner," the angel replies. 'We've got to be quiet because they think they're the only ones up here."

 

[crazydave]

I steeer them towards their stance on bahai and world faith day which normally shoos them away. or asking about the rapture. JW's you quiz on the fact that they should have dissapeared a few years back according to their own prophecies.

you could always ask them why they are trying to take you away from the true faith and branding you an infidel

or just answer the door naked, that worked for me once when some woke me up a few years back

I imagine telling them you are a scientologist would work well

 

[John Dixon]

I have two huskies that look a little like wolves, so they dont normaly try to enter the garden but the last ones made it with out stirring the "wolves". when i asked them if their religion believes that their faith will protect them and then mention that they should close the gate when they leave so the wolves dont eat the non believers. At that point the 56kilo husky showed up and howled at the uninvited strangers. you know they can realy jump 6 ft fences very well in them suits. ironic realy as the dogs are realy soft....... and the worst that would happen is there nice suits would be covered in husky hair........

 

[Sniper]

Some years ago when handguns were still legal I owned several as did my wife. My Sunday evenings were gun cleaning night after a day's shooting on the range. I was upstairs in the gun room cleaning my 44 magnum when my son answered a knock at the door, the dreaded JWs come to ask if I had seen the light. My son called me, and I went to the top of the stairs and looked down (my stairs go straight from my front door) I think it must have been the sight of this apparition at the top of the stairs waving this cannon around that caused them to leave more than anything I said, they didn't even wait for me to walk down before they were off. That and the 5' 8" painted wooden horned demon statue that was standing at the foot of the stairs (I had been doing some repair work on it for a local amdram group cos the tail had got broken off during their latest production of Mephisto) Whatever it was they have never came back.

 

[leon-1]

Inform them that God is a creation for those who have not the ability to take responsibility for their own actions and the total inability to accept that nature can throw a pretty good fast ball.

Then point out that God is only one letter away from Good and Devil is only one letter away from Evil, it doesn't take the brains of a rocket scientist to work that one out, just before you close the door in their faces.

You could be really offensive and point out that God is an annagram of man's best friend and that man's best friend is a lot more useful.

 

[Sniper]

I gather your Sundays are free then Leon?

 

[leon-1]

I gather your Sundays are free then Leon?

Nope, time is money and as such all days are working days. That means that on an hourly rate Sundays are anything, but free especially when you consider the rest that try and shirk off making me more money.

I am practical and have seen more pain and suffering caused by politicians and religion than most would care to, so I opted out of that religious ethos a long time ago, I believe in good and bad/evil just not the entities at either end.

 

[spamel]

And as if by magic, one turned up today. Seems he has been coming round for a while now, but as he is a nice guy the missus doesn't have the heart to tell hime to sling his hook. To be honest, neither did I. He doesn't talk about religion much, the odd bit dropped in now and then but then you just steer him off subject. The thing is, he'll keep coming back for ever more or until he pops it, so i guess we need to move house again!

 

[Toddy]

You lot smit me with this, didn't you ? :bluThinki

There I am, head down redding out nettles from behind the flag iris' when the gate opens and in step the perfect Sunday best dressed, Jehovah's Witnesses, complete with cute kid in tow
By this stage I'm filthy (it's me, it's the garden, mud loves me ) My hair has literally been through a hedge backwards, I'm barefooted, and I'm wearing the obligatory holey jeans and torn t shirt

I finally see them off, I'm tidying up the enchanters nightshade and this time it's the Evangelilcals However, with cat on gatepost, broomstick at my feet and a garden full of funny things they had second thoughts and decided I was obviously too busy

The conversation is going to change isn't it ? .........Wanted visitors.........who would you *like* to drop by ?

cheers,
Toddy

 

[Mike Ameling]

The quote in my bottom signature pretty much sums up my ... views ... of religion.

But now I've been getting more people stopping me to peddle their "new" cult religion - this thing they call GREEN or Environmental awareness! Yes, I said "religion", and it operates much more like a "cult". It has all the trappings of a religion - it's high priests, it's prophets, it's oracles (the Gore-ical), it's holiday's, it's cerimony's and "worship" services, and it's DOGMA (believes based mostly on "faith" instead of fact). Some of these zealot jihadi's are more fanatical than those linked with the big mainstream religions! And now they are out there in public pounding the streets confronting people walking by. I've even had several stop by my place out here in the country to "educate" me on the proper/approved/correct ways to live - according to them.

Notice I used that word "educate". They INSTRUCT you in the proper/approved/correct way to think/believe/act. And if you don't agree with that, then it is just because you have not heard/read enough about it. It can't be because you just ... disagree ... with their position - the one and only TRUE path. So you just need to "educate" yourself some more, and then you will come to think/believe/act just as they do. To them, a genuine difference of opinion just doesn't exist - it's only a lack of a proper "education" like they have received.

Unfortunately with so many of these people, contradictory information is automatically dismissed as flawed disinformation, and they will only be swayed by "emotional" issues. And they have committed their "emotions" to follow their "faith" in their new "religion".

Yeah, the "unwanted visitors" have started to change. But I give them the same treatment as I give the other religious fanatics.

Mikey - that ... alleged ... grumpy ol' German blacksmith out in the Hinterlands

p.s. Ooops, sorry. Probably shifted too far over into a political/religious rant. It was a bit too present in my thoughts at the moment because I just had a visit from a fisherman along the trout stream in the pasture below the house who was ... concerned ... about some things I was or was not doing to preserve that trout stream for HIM to come out of the big city on the weekend to fish along. And he doesn't like fishing in the State owned land because of all the ... yahoo's and bozo's ... out there, so prefers to fish on private land. Rah rah blah blah ... same old s**t from a clueless idiot who thinks he has a RIGHT to tell everybody else how to live - because the world revolves around him! D*mned narcissists!

 

[dommyracer]

Wow, this thread is Hi-larious

Why not just politely tell them you are busy, and bid them good day? Works for me, without all the dick swinging.

 

[NatG]

I say yes, but i expect them to talk in tongues otherwise i don't feel that i get a suitably interesting religious experience, i then talk to them in double dutch for a bit before shouting "KANT what a loonie IMPERATIVE IMPERATIVE IMPERATIVE AQUINAS" twirling round twice and slamming the door.

does it every time

 

[Eric_Methven]

Sometimes I tell them I'm just not interested in talking to them and quietly close the door, but on occasion, if the props are handy and I see them working their way down the street, I have some fun.

If I have the time, I don my long medieval cloak, throw a pentangle necklace round my neck then throw the door wide open with a big toothless grin on my face.

Knock knock. "Hello. Nice day. Have you ever considered what will happen to your soul after you depart this world?............" At this point they usually just stare at the outfit open mouthed and forget what they were saying.

"Come in, come in." I say. "The initiation cerimony is about to begin. You can remove all of your clothes in the room on the right".

That usually does it. Goodness knows what I'd do if they did actually come in.

Eric

 

[Toddy]

I think I finally see why all these terribly polite folks give up their time to knock on the doors of unsuspecting people.........look at all the fun they must have watching others being thrown a wobbly as they try to politely tell them to go away!
Must be incredibly entertaining really.

My husband has just reminded me that the reason so many came out of the woodwork today is that it's a bank holiday he got caught by the Salvation Army man collecting down the main street

cheers,
Toddy

 

[sandsnakes]

Eric,

that bits easy you get a tin of paint and instruct them to paint their naughty bits blue!

Sandsnakes