Funny Military Stories

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Gaudette

Full Member
Aug 24, 2012
872
17
Cambs
My son I law was doing his greek national service on some island in the Med when hi and is mate were giving the job of guarding some RAF planes that were staying overnight. Personally I wouldn't give him the job of guarding my sandwiches but that's another story. The planes, I don't know what they were, had a pole poking out of the front nose cone. Bored, they thought they would amuse themselves by doing chin ups from said pole. Needless to say it was discovered in the morning how easy it is to ground an RAF jet without firing anything at it. Him and his mate had to do an extra year as punishment. Never been able to verify the story but I know he did an extra year as punishment for something.
 

Stevie777

Native
Jun 28, 2014
1,443
0
Strathclyde, Scotland
Guard duty can be boring at times... :lmao:

Here's my (less than boring) guard duty story.

We were on a weekend exercise. Dug in in a wooded area somewhere below the Pentland hills. I'm sure most of you know, in the Army, information on what you are supposed to be doing, who the enemy might be, who else is taking part in said exercise is on a strictly need to know basis and a lowly rifleman like me didn't need to know...apparently...oh how wrong they were..

Around 1-2 in the afternoon i got called to do guard. Basically, go to the top of the wood, man the LMG.(Light machine gun, Dont think they trusted the Cameronians with a belt fed Gimpy) and challenge any intruders. Roll on a couple of hours and the evening grub is being dished out. Mince, custard and sponge pudding combo or something. :D

Anyway, i'm watching my platoon/Company come back from the chow wagon, mess tins and brews in hand, i just let them pass. Most never noticed me as they walked right past, Camo'd to the hilt i was.
This goes on for about half an hour and i'm getting rather peckish myself and hoping they havn't forgotten about me...surely they havn't forgotten, not the Army..The TA never leaves a man behind..:p

Things quieten down and i'm checking my watch counting the minutes until i'm relieved and then it's chuck time for Stevie, when i catch sight of a guy i dont recognise, Combats on but with a T-Shirt on his top half. He's carrying a mess tin and a brew. Now i dont know this guy from Adam, he certainly wasn't in my Company, and he's walking right towards me.

Halt!!!!. The Guy, Kinda startled, stops. He's looking in my direction. i know by the way his eyes are moving he cant see me, he's just looking in the direction the voice came from. He just keeps coming

Who Goes there, Friend or Foe a bellowed. Nothing. I gave him my end of the password.
About 1.5 seconds later i slipped of the safety and proceeded to empty a full Magazine, 3 round burst, i was a highly
"professional" trained killer me, on the poor guy, who was at this point 15 feet at most from where i was laying.

Up went his dinner and his brew. I can still remember the look in his face to this day. :lmao:

All hell broke loose. Everyone diving for the fox holes, lunches spoiled. I said nothing. I never even got up from where i was laying. I hears Corporal McKinness coming up from behind me. He's shouting like a man on a mission. He asked what the hell was going on. I explained the situation as best i could.

Corporal, I dont know this guy, I ordered him to halt, he kept coming. I asked if he was friend or foe, he ignored me. I gave him my end of the password, He told me to ### off, so I shot him. :cool:

After much confusion and talk amongst the high rankers, even though i knew i was in the right i thought i was in for a very high jump. Guard duty for the rest of the day at least. I was completely exonerated and told i did the right thing.


If i was in the US Reserves i would have been awarded 2 purple hearts and 3 silver stars for my actions behind, well, just in front of the Chuck wagon that fateful day....Man we should all have been awarded the Victoria Cross for eating the food alone. :)

True Story.

ps, Just for clarification I was firing blanks. No Soldiers were hurt in the making of this episode. Just some lunches spoiled and possibly a pair of underpants, colour khaki, size medium, Soiled
 
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Badger74

Full Member
Jun 10, 2008
1,424
0
Ex Leeds, now Killala
Read the books by Max Hastings and another journo "Don't Cry For Me Argentina" and I think "Don't Cry For Me Sargent Major". Very funny about the real stories of soldiers at war (Falklands) and at peace in the years after on garrison duty.
 

Goatboy

Full Member
Jan 31, 2005
14,956
12
Scotland
Story was told to me by a chap in one of the guards regiments.
It was their turn at the Palace and much polishing and cleaning to keep everything Bristol fashion had to be done. One of the chaps had a horse that was a bit odd and did strange things. Seemingly some horses get bored during parades and so before going out they get fed some oats to keep them happy.
They're all lined up and glistening in the sun with the public watching and cameras going.
So this odd and bored horse decides to set a trap for fun. It's kept some oats in its mouth and starts to spit them out onto the ground in front of it. Chap on top can do nothing to stop it as it keeps doing it and drawing pidgeons in closer.
Then WHAM! Down comes a hoof on top of a pidgeon squashing it flat, little feathers floating in the air. Then more oats being spat out waiting for another.

After that that certain cuddy wasn't allowed a feed for an hour before heading out in case it set more traps for its feathered enimies.

Sent via smoke-signal from a woodland in Scotland.
 

mick91

Bushcrafter (boy, I've got a lot to say!)
May 13, 2015
2,064
1
Sunderland
On a range day about 5 years ago, we had a fun gun day, not a serious practice or contest but a day for people to have a few rounds with unfamiliar weapons, and move back to long ranges. It was a great day, got to play with a .50 lynx and some monstrous old double rifle. It soon came to by my turn to head down to the butts and mark targets, not something I mind doing as anyone who's done it will know buttmarking you can have a right laugh.
It came to break for lunch, we sat and cooked up some general range fare of noodles with bits of boiled meat of unknow origin in it. While standing nattering with a friend we hadn't noticed the flags go back up or hear the warning of fire coming down.
Thundering overhead came a 20mm round from a Lahti up on the point over my lane. My mate, standing directly under the target, swiftly started panicking and claiming he had been hit by spalling, and there was blood on him, it wasn't until some Scottish bod pointed there where white feathers and bone fragments stuck to the blood and mulch we realised what had happened and stopped checking him for spall injuries.
Turns out the lad on the point had managed to inadvertently hit a seagull that had taken up residence on top of the butt mantle, and anyone that's ever fired big bore will appreciate the mess that would make!
I honestly believe to this day he hit the poor creature by accident, because bullseying a walking seagull at 1000yds with a rifle like that would be nigh impossible. And his horrified face getting back up to the point when I handed him a hand full of feathers was priceless!

Sent from my LG-D855 using Tapatalk
 

bob_the_baker

Full Member
May 22, 2012
487
40
Swansea
Colleague of mine related a nice story. When stationed in Germany, they came across a couple of large test bombs on the range which they relocated to their barracks, painted them in the regimental colours and put them up on display. After about the 3rd night of the CO being woken up by some high spirited lads knocking over said ornaments they were told to "lose" them.
Several months later, now stationed back in the UK, they hear about a massive bomb scare in their old base, which was being decommissioned. Apparently 2 large high explosive devices were found in a cistern. Moral of the story, when you are "hiding" some dummy bombs, make sure you remove your regimental colours, especially if they resemble Yellow High Explosive markings.
 

wicca

Native
Oct 19, 2008
1,065
31
South Coast
In the 1980's when there appeared to be no prospect of settlement or a peace agreement over Northern Ireland and threat levels were still very high on the UK mainland, certain people, apart from the obvious Politicians, Royalty etc: received protection. The late Major General John Frost was one such person. He lived in a rural farm house property on the Hampshire -Sussex border and a uniformed local Police presence was maintained at his property. A covert team, not local Police, were also present to provide a hard response to an attack on him while he was at home.
A duty system was quickly arranged to support the Police which provided immediate response, support/ backup and a period of 'stand down' for individuals for personal admin, sleep,etc:
John Frost kindly allowed the use of his barn where we could do a limited amount fitness training during stand down periods. Sit ups, push ups, pull ups on the beams etc: plus 3 or 4 fairly testing runs had been plotted in the surrounding woodland where it was possible to run unseen by any casual observers.

One morning during a stand down period I appeared in track suit and trainers in the kitchen to find John Frost and the usual uniformed Policeman. He asked where I was going and I described the run route to him, he looked at his wristwatch as I legged it out of the door.

Arriving back sometime later having given a coded radio call of 'Heads up' to the police of my arrival, I ran into the kitchen to find John Frost sitting at the table reading a newspaper.
As I stood there hands on knees gasping for breath, he looked over the newspaper at me, deliberately lifted his left arm, looked pointedly at his wristwatch and with a twinkle in his eye said, " You obviously stopped off for a brew somewhere"..:D :D
 
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widu13

Bushcrafter (boy, I've got a lot to say!)
Feb 9, 2008
2,335
17
Ubique Quo Fas Et Gloria Ducunt
Another Germany one. On Ex in the south in a forested area. It was just gone 3am (when my stag started) and and I could hear heavy breathing and I was then attacked. I had let rip with 1/2 mag of 7.62 before it clicked that A. I was on Ex, B. I only had blanks and C. the boar was going to have me no matter what!

I scrambled up the log pile that the sentry position was next to as the boar gored the bottom of it and then legged it. Everyone stood to, only to discover that there was no enemy and no evidence of "a boar" either. Sleep was precious in a 5 man sub detachment and I got a slap for that one :lmao:
 

SCOMAN

Full Member
Dec 31, 2005
2,182
243
50
Perthshire
Whilst serving in HMS ARK ROYAL we were crossing the Indian Ocean on the way back from the Aussie Bicentennial. We ran in to some bad weather, no bother on the ARK the things barely moved. The following morning on stepping out onto the signal deck we found to Gannet type birds lying on the deck looking stunned and having emptied their stomachs over the deck. No bother we fed them some bread and water and left them there. The CO was quite the twitcher and would ask us through the day how the birds were. The next morning the Chief Yeoman is coming up to the bridge to give the CO his signals when he's intercepted by 'Little F' the officer in charge of launch and recovery of the aircraft in FLYCO adjacent to the bridge. 'Are those birds still there Chief' he asks
'I'm not too sure Sir to be honest. Is there a problem?'
'Well the thing is Chief we can't commence flying until we're assured that the birds won't scare on the first take of by a Harrier and we have a bird strike'.
The Chief nods conspiratorially 'Leave it to me Sir, no worries. I'll get one of the lads to sort it' and the pair parted company. The Chief went on to the bridge and gave the Old Man his signals. The CO and the Chief chatted briefly before the Chief came back to the Comms section.
'Right young Devlin (not me an Oppo from Glasgow) nip out to the signal deck and if the birds are still there float test them'
Dev's handed the circuit over to me and left the bridge as the CO crossed the bridge and handed back the signal board to the Chief. The ARK didn't have external bridge wings but the Old Man went and stood at the back of the bridge looking aft. From that position he had a clear view of the signal deck and of a young Glaswegian lift two birds by the wing and frisbee them over the side to stbd. All we heard was the CO roar 'Devlin what are you doing?'
The Chief quickly stepped in and said 'sorry sir leave it to me I'll discipline young Devlin, right Barnes, tell Devlin to get down to the MCO I want a word with him'. The Captain returned to his chair shaking his head as 'Hands to Flying Stations, Hands to Flying Stations' was piped. Forty five minutes later the first Harrier took off.
What happened to Dev's? Nothing he just got excused climbing the ladders from our mess on 6 deck to the bridge on 04 deck and did his watches in the MCO for a couple of weeks, well out of the way of the Captain.
 

wicca

Native
Oct 19, 2008
1,065
31
South Coast
When I was still working it was common to be involved in cross training with other organisations both National and International. Occasionally just one or two would go swanning off somewhere, at other times all of us were involved. The small scale one or two man trips, especially to sunny places, were much sought after and a great deal of skull duggery took place to get elected to go and bring back ideas, exchange drills etc: which was the purpose of the trip.

The problem about training with other people, especially civilian organisations, was the amount of paperwork involved...reams of it. General admin, comms orders, op orders...tons of it..and anyone unlucky enough to get captured by the boss got drafted into being seconded to 'planning' for the exercise. Our most precious possession was a photocopying machine and just before one such joint exercise the daft thing broke down and started eating the paper that was fed into it. Panic stations!!

So, with the possibility of gaining fame and fortune ( and a visit to somewhere sunny) my mate and I, he was an ex Grenadier and a big strong lad, decided that the nice new photocopying machine that we knew was in the civilian Admin Block would be much better employed in our office. Late at night when all the lovely typists and others were tucked up in their beds at home, we nicked the photocopying machine and replaced it with our dead one...Should anyone else need to do this..there is a small aluminium plate with serial number etc: stamped on it fixed on the back of the machine with two soft metal, easily drilled rivets making the exchange of serial plates quite simple.( Roneo make photocopier..)..

And a very nice sunny trip it was too, later...:lmao: