Fight, flight or fawn ?

[Nice65]

at times it felt that I was helping them more.

Yeah, this. It’s a strange thing, and I was done in without more emotional outlay.

at times it felt that I was helping them more.

The most helpful people, generally those with emergency service/disaster relief/nursing backgrounds turned up with a casserole and promptly buggered off!

This.

One lady, a retired doctor I know quite well and who had seen similar scenarios play out many times, turned up unannounced, handed me a still warm casserole dish of chicken and chickpeas, gave me a hug and left.

Most of the time it was non-stop texts and calls, except a few who knew I could operate a telephone if necessary and call on them for help.

 

[TeeDee]

I guess dealing with grief from the sidelines is one of those things where there are no best or clear guidelines - people don't know how to 'be' , but feel a need to do and say something each individually , - but over the period of grieving - that becomes a sea of people acting from a place of good intention ( i'd say ) but culminatively to the person at the center receiving and dealing with that , everything else and their own feelings and grief must feel magnified.

 

[Broch]

Whereas I think you're right, no one sets out to be a nuisance, everyone knows it is overwhelming, but they still do it.

 

[TeeDee]

Whereas I think you're right, no one sets out to be a nuisance, everyone knows it is overwhelming, but they still do it.

I guess its one of those damned if you do , damned if you don't moments.
I'm not sure what one would advise then from those that have gone through such loss what is the more preferable way to acknowledge , support , provide empathy or whatever.

 

[Broch]

But I think that is my point.

Damned if you do - it's a pain to the bereaved, overwhelming, tiring, exhausting even.

Damned if you don't - you're worried others will think bad of you because you didn't visit.

I'd take damned for not interfering any day - I really don't care what others think, the only person of importance is the bereaved IMO. I'll find other ways of supporting them.

 

[TeeDee]

But I think that is my point.

Damned if you do - it's a pain to the bereaved, overwhelming, tiring, exhausting even.

Damned if you don't - you're worried others will think bad of you because you didn't visit.

I'd take damned for not interfering any day - I really don't care what others think, the only person of importance is the bereaved IMO. I'll find other ways of supporting them.

Ok, In that case we do agree -

But how does one support them - without contacting? which is the same as what others are doing . Can't see a text or email cutting it.

I totally agree its not about others - which is maybe the bit you are stressing , its not an opportunity for good will ambassadors to virtue signal.

 

[Broch]

It is hard, but, so far, I've been taking her bins the 200m down the steep drive. She's dropped in here for a cuppa a few times. I've just given her daughter and family a lift up the snow covered drive in the Land Rover and I'll be running them back down in the morning to get to the funeral. Basically, all the things you would do as a neighbour anyway without smothering them.

 

[Chris]

I think reaching out to say you’re available to chat if the bereaved needs it and doing something useful (casserole, mow the lawn etc) is the ideal.

Going over ‘just to be seen’ or even worse, just to get the gory details, is where it crosses the line into the negative.

I’d say the easy way of differentiating this is to just examine your own intentions and then thoughtfully act based on that. The unfortunate reality is that a lot of people don’t have this level of introspection or empathy.

Personally, having no one reach out or tell me I am in their thoughts would’ve been pretty devastating for the last few bereavements I’ve had. No one overstepped, they all just sent their thoughts and love and said to contact them if I needed anything. This is perhaps a reflection of some of the wonderful people I have the privilege of calling friends/family.

 

[Pattree]

There is a trite trot out in counselling that is often appropriate:

“Don’t just do something, sit there.”

…… perhaps “be there” Is even more appropriate.

I’m not sure that this fits in with any of the three responses in the OP but, as folk have pointed out: there are many more than the stated three.

 

[TeeDee]

I think reaching out to say you’re available to chat if the bereaved needs it and doing something useful (casserole, mow the lawn etc) is the ideal.

Going over ‘just to be seen’ or even worse, just to get the gory details, is where it crosses the line into the negative.

I’d say the easy way of differentiating this is to just examine your own intentions and then thoughtfully act based on that. The unfortunate reality is that a lot of people don’t have this level of introspection or empathy.

Personally, having no one reach out or tell me I am in their thoughts would’ve been pretty devastating for the last few bereavements I’ve had. No one overstepped, they all just sent their thoughts and love and said to contact them if I needed anything. This is perhaps a reflection of some of the wonderful people I have the privilege of calling friends/family.

This.

 

[Wildgoose]

I think you’ve got to ask yourself how well you know them and how helpful you can actually be.

My own parents didn’t visit for 36 hours, because they wanted to get their own heads straight first. They knew they would be no use during the shock phase.

Some of those who couldn’t help due to distance or own circumstances sent a message saying they were thinking of us. That was lovely and enough.

 

[Nice65]

It is hard, but, so far, I've been taking her bins the 200m down the steep drive. She's dropped in here for a cuppa a few times. I've just given her daughter and family a lift up the snow covered drive in the Land Rover and I'll be running them back down in the morning to get to the funeral. Basically, all the things you would do as a neighbour anyway without smothering them.

That's about right I reckon. Knowing you're available, you don't 'dig' or want to discuss, a listening ear if need be, and if something needs doing the answer will be "yes, of course".