Bushcraft Jokes

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Jan 24, 2004
Aberdare, South Wales
If I sticky this thread for future use, we need to keep politics, religion, race and controversy out of the jokes the moment that these rules get broken the thread will be closed!

Not sure if this one has made it to the forums if so I apologise.

Insurance company’s are warning bushcrafters, if your tarp is stolen during the night……
you won’t be covered!
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A somewhat settled
Jun 9, 2009
North West London
Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson were going camping. They pitched their tent under the stars and went to sleep.
Sometime in the middle of the night Holmes woke Watson up and said: "Watson, look up at the stars, and tell me what you see."
Watson replied: "I see millions and millions of stars."
Holmes said: "And what do you deduce from that?"
Watson replied: "Well, if there are millions of stars, and if even a few of those have planets, it’s quite likely there are some planets like Earth out there. And if there are a few planets like Earth out there, there might also be life."
And Holmes said: "Watson, you idiot, it means that somebody stole our tent."


Full Member
May 15, 2008
Mummy, can I have a glass of water?
No, get back in your sleeping bag.
Daddy, can I have a mug of water?
No, get back into your sleeping bag and do not upset your sister.
MUM I WANT a bucket of water.
If I said no to a glass and your Dad said no to a mug, why oh why do you think I will let you have a bucket?

'Cos if you don't the fire in my tent will really get out of hand!!!!!


Full Member
Ray Mears and Bear Grylls are filming at the same Australian location and decide to go for a swim together.
"What would you do if a great white shark appeared now?" asks Bear.
"Easy," replies Ray," I have a little SAK on a cord round my neck."
"That wouldn't be much good against a great white!" sneers Bear.
Oh," says Ray," I wouldn't use it on the shark. I'd slash your arm then swim like hell!"
It's hard to find good nature/bushcraft jokes that everyone can appreciate. Here are three of my favorites:

1. Grandpa's Tree Joke

My grandfather told me this story when I was an early teen. It's hard to find good nature jokes, and this is a great one!

The story doesn't contain any bad language, but there are some puns (adult themes) that may not be appropriate for young children.

Grandpa's Tree Joke

2. How to Catch a Polar Bear

I've always found this one hilarious. I can't explain why...

How to Catch a Polar Bear

3. Animal ID Joke

This one always tickles my inner twelve-year-old.

Animal ID Joke

By the way, if I'm guiding a public hike, I never tell any of these to park visitors. :)

- Woodsorrel


Full Member
Apr 1, 2015
I spend a lot of time lurking on the forum, couple of times a day with not a great deal of posting but this thread is gold.

How do trees calculate square roots?

They use log-arithms.

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Innuit and Cree walking together on the trail. Innuit sees what he says is dog poo. "Look! Its dog!|".

No says the Cree - it looks like brother Wolf poo to me.

Innu picks some up and breaks it between his fingers examining it closey. "No It looks like dog - here''s fish scales and too little hair. Must be dog".

Cree hunter picks some more up more and smells it. "Smells like Wolf **** to me",

Innu picks some of it and puts some in his mouth. "Well it certainly tasts like dog **** to me"

"Oh thats good" says the Cree, "We nearly stood in it!!"

This is old story and joke which portraits some of the bad feelings between innui and cree indians in the days of hunger. We cree often say that innuit were so bad hunters that they only avoided starvation by eating wolf poo - which is full of bone & hair and little good. But in turn we also respected that they are very skilled at tracking and stalking difficult prey with little cover. But it also is a joke against Innuit & cree because it is very easy to tell dog poo from wolf poo just by looking at it and no Cree hunter would ever make that mistake or need to do anything but look at either dog or wolf poo to know the difference..