1000th post comp
- Thread starter Jedadiah
- Start date
-
Hey Guest, Early bird pricing on the Summer Moot (29th July - 10th August) available until April 6th, we'd love you to come. PLEASE CLICK HERE to early bird price and get more information.
Sam had been in business for 25 years and is finally sick of the
stress.
He quits his job and buys 50 acres in Alaska as far from humanity as possible.
He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.
After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and there is a big, bearded man standing there.
"Name's Ned....Your neighbor from 40 miles away.... Having a party Friday.... Thought you might like to come. About 5..."
"Great" says Sam, "after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you."
As Ned is leaving, he stops "Gotta warn you... There's gonna be some drinkin."
"Not a problem.... after 25 years in business, I can drink with the best of em."
Again, as he starts to leave, Ned stops. "More'n likely gonna be some fightin' too."
Sam says, "Well, I get along with people. I'll be there. Thanks
again."
Once again Ned turns from the door. "I've seen some wild sex at these parties, too."
"Now that's really not a problem," says Sam. "I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should I bring?"
Ned stops in the door again and says, "Whatever you want, just gonna be the two of us."
stress.
He quits his job and buys 50 acres in Alaska as far from humanity as possible.
He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.
After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and there is a big, bearded man standing there.
"Name's Ned....Your neighbor from 40 miles away.... Having a party Friday.... Thought you might like to come. About 5..."
"Great" says Sam, "after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you."
As Ned is leaving, he stops "Gotta warn you... There's gonna be some drinkin."
"Not a problem.... after 25 years in business, I can drink with the best of em."
Again, as he starts to leave, Ned stops. "More'n likely gonna be some fightin' too."
Sam says, "Well, I get along with people. I'll be there. Thanks
again."
Once again Ned turns from the door. "I've seen some wild sex at these parties, too."
"Now that's really not a problem," says Sam. "I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should I bring?"
Ned stops in the door again and says, "Whatever you want, just gonna be the two of us."
TEN THINGS IT'S TAKEN ME A LIFETIME TO LEARN
1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."
3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
5. You should not confuse your career with your life.
6. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
7. Never lick a steak knife.
8. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.
9. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.
10. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."
3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
5. You should not confuse your career with your life.
6. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
7. Never lick a steak knife.
8. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.
9. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.
10. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
Here goes,
The wife isn't talking to me at the moment.
Apparently i didn't open the car door for her
Its not my fault, i just panicked and swam to the surface
:sad6:
The wife isn't talking to me at the moment.
Apparently i didn't open the car door for her
Its not my fault, i just panicked and swam to the surface
:sad6:
Just sent to me by my sister.......
I wonder if he's a frustrated bushcrafter because of item 6.............
Proof of what can happen if a wife or girlfriend drags her husband or boyfriend along shopping
This letter was recently sent by Tesco's Head Office to a customer in Oxford:
Dear Mrs. Murray,
While we thank you for your valued custom and use of the Tesco Loyalty Card, the Manager of our store in Banbury is considering banning you and your family from shopping with us, unless your husband stops his antics.
Below is a list of offences over the past few months all verified by our surveillance cameras:
1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's trolleys when they weren't looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to feminine products aisle.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, 'Code 3' in housewares..... and watched what happened.
5. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
6. September 15: Set up a tent in the outdoor clothing department and told shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring sausages and a Calor gas stove.
7. September 23: When the Deputy Manager asked if she could help him, he began to cry and asked, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'
8. October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror, picked his nose, and ate it.
9. November 10: While appearing to be choosing kitchen knives in the Housewares aisle asked an assistant if he knew where the antidepressants were.
10. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously, loudly humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme.
11. December 6: In the kitchenware aisle, practised the 'Madonna look' using different size funnels.
12. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed, yelled 'PICK ME!' 'PICK ME!'
13. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, assumed the fetal position and screamed 'NO! NO! It's those voices again.'
And; last, but not least:
14. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited a while; then yelled, very loudly, 'There is no toilet paper in here.'
Yours sincerely,
Charles Brown
I wonder if he's a frustrated bushcrafter because of item 6.............
Proof of what can happen if a wife or girlfriend drags her husband or boyfriend along shopping
This letter was recently sent by Tesco's Head Office to a customer in Oxford:
Dear Mrs. Murray,
While we thank you for your valued custom and use of the Tesco Loyalty Card, the Manager of our store in Banbury is considering banning you and your family from shopping with us, unless your husband stops his antics.
Below is a list of offences over the past few months all verified by our surveillance cameras:
1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's trolleys when they weren't looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to feminine products aisle.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, 'Code 3' in housewares..... and watched what happened.
5. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
6. September 15: Set up a tent in the outdoor clothing department and told shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring sausages and a Calor gas stove.
7. September 23: When the Deputy Manager asked if she could help him, he began to cry and asked, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'
8. October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror, picked his nose, and ate it.
9. November 10: While appearing to be choosing kitchen knives in the Housewares aisle asked an assistant if he knew where the antidepressants were.
10. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously, loudly humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme.
11. December 6: In the kitchenware aisle, practised the 'Madonna look' using different size funnels.
12. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed, yelled 'PICK ME!' 'PICK ME!'
13. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, assumed the fetal position and screamed 'NO! NO! It's those voices again.'
And; last, but not least:
14. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited a while; then yelled, very loudly, 'There is no toilet paper in here.'
Yours sincerely,
Charles Brown
Thanks Mesquite - I now have to go and change my trousers, mop the floor and stand to type this while my chair dries out....yup spilled my tea all over myself!
That and pi**ed myself laughing!
That and pi**ed myself laughing!
Sorry mate. Personally I lost it at nos 3 but luckily I wasn't drinking tea at the time 
Also got to admit it's given me some idea's of how to get out of shopping in the future. And lets face it, I don't think there's a man on here at some time in their life that's wished they didn't have to accompany their partner shopping. And I bet you're now all thinking hmmmm sounds like a goer.......
Paddy the Irishman died in a fire and was burnt pretty badly. So the Morgue needed someone to identify the body. His two best friends, Seamus and Sean (also Irishmen), were sent for.
Seamus went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet. Seamus said, 'Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over'. So the mortician rolled him over.
Seamus looked and said, 'Nope, it ain't Paddy'. The mortician thought that was rather strange, but said nothing and asked Sean in to identify the body.
Sean took a look at him and said, 'Yup, he's burnt real bad, roll him over'
The mortician rolled him over and Sean looked down and said, 'No, it ain't Paddy'.
The mortician asked, 'How can you tell?'
Sean said, 'Well, Paddy had two arseholes.'
'What, he had two arseholes?!!' said the mortician.
'Yup, everyone knew he had two arseholes. Every time we went into town, folks would say, 'Here comes Paddy with them two Arseholes....'
Seamus went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet. Seamus said, 'Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over'. So the mortician rolled him over.
Seamus looked and said, 'Nope, it ain't Paddy'. The mortician thought that was rather strange, but said nothing and asked Sean in to identify the body.
Sean took a look at him and said, 'Yup, he's burnt real bad, roll him over'
The mortician rolled him over and Sean looked down and said, 'No, it ain't Paddy'.
The mortician asked, 'How can you tell?'
Sean said, 'Well, Paddy had two arseholes.'
'What, he had two arseholes?!!' said the mortician.
'Yup, everyone knew he had two arseholes. Every time we went into town, folks would say, 'Here comes Paddy with them two Arseholes....'
Sorry about the delay, i've just stopped laughing. Some good posts here and it was a close run thing, but the one joke that made me laugh like a horse was Celt Gingers in post #11
, i'm afraid it edged it. Thanks to everyone for your contributions, start thinking up some more for the 2000th post competition!
Awww missed this thread. I liked Globetrotter UK's (post 22)
Bloke says to his Mrs, "Get your coat on I'm going down the pub". "Oh great am I coming along too" replies the wife? No says the bloke. I'm switching the heating off.
Newspaper headline
An Ice cream van man has been found dead on the floor of his ice cream van covered in 'hundreds and thousands', strawberry sauce and a flake sticking out of each ear. Police have said he may have topped himself.
Bloke says to his Mrs, "Get your coat on I'm going down the pub". "Oh great am I coming along too" replies the wife? No says the bloke. I'm switching the heating off.
Newspaper headline
An Ice cream van man has been found dead on the floor of his ice cream van covered in 'hundreds and thousands', strawberry sauce and a flake sticking out of each ear. Police have said he may have topped himself.
aw wish Id seen this thread before to!
Well this made me laugh...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Zf8xdbipdTQ
Well this made me laugh...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Zf8xdbipdTQ
