1000th post comp

[Jedadiah]

Just made my 1000th post so, to commemorate such an occasion, i shall pose this question:

Make me laugh and win a prize!

Jokes, situations, humourous stories, the best one win's a Bushcraft related prize. Yes, i know i still owe Lostagain a prize and when i finish making it, it will be on it's way to him. I'll give it until Monday 21st 21:00hrs when the comp will close and i'll announce the winner, as well as the prize, soon after that. Comp is open to international members as well as domestic. Crack on!

 

[rancid badger]

Well........ all right then;

this is true!
I'm sitting downstairs the other night, when my daughter, who's back from university atm, shouts down for me to "pop up here a minute"

So up I go, she's sitting at her dressing table come desk and as I wandered in, the laddie followed me, stepping to one side and sat on the floor.

Now they're both totally deadpan, not a sign of any skulduggery so I asked; "yes, what are you after?"

"Oh" she says," apparently, if you say elephant slowly enough, it sounds like gullible"

"elephant?" say's I, "yes" came the reply.

So there I am; "eeellleeeppphhhaaannnttt":bluThinki "Nah! get away with you" says me

"try it again dad" say's the boy, so, off I went; "eeeelllleeeepppphhhhaaaannnntttt" :bluThinki

"Ah your talking rubbish again, where'd you get that from?, it sounds nothing like gullible"
and then the voice from the corner chirps in;

"Oh I don't know dad, it sounds pretty gullible to me":yikes:
The buxxers!

Hows that?
cheers
R.B.

p.s.: your not to tell anyone else mind

 

[Greg]

This has got to make you laugh!!

Scary but very funny....made me laugh anyway!!
Sorry John, I couldn't resist!!!

 

[fred gordon]

This has got to make you laugh!!

Scary but very funny....made me laugh anyway!!
Sorry John, I couldn't resist!!!

For goodness sake be careful. Young children might be viewing this website. That will ruin them for life!!!

 

[Dougster]

Can't beat that Greg. Sorry John

 

[JonnyP]

Middle of the war and a bloke joins the army, gets taken through training, and is sent straight to the front line....
He is down in the trench and realises he hasn't got a gun, so he goes up to the captain and asks when he will get a gun. Captain looks at him and says... "You don't need a gun here, all you do is go bang a d bang, bang a d bang at them and you will kill them... "
Captain walks off leaving the new recruit feeling he has been involved in some sort of joke.
But he still doesn't get a gun and its all kicking off around him and the enemy is getting closer..
New recruit thinks "I have nothing to lose" so he leans out the trench, see's an enemy soldier and goes bang a d bang at him and the enemy falls down dead...
Soldier thinks "ahh thats just a fluke, someone else shot him"
He see's two enemy soldiers coming towards him, so he goes bang a d bang, bang a d bang, and they both drop dead....
WOW... He is well pleased and goes and tells the captain...
"See, I told you" he says...
"Also, if you get in close and go stab a d stab, that kills em too"
So our recruit starts to get confident and climbs out of the trench.....
BANG A D BANG, BANG A D BANG, BANG A D BANG... He is killing them all and advancing all the time..
He gets in close...
STAB A D STAB, STAB A D STAB...
He advances more...

He then spots him, a huge great enemy soldier on top of a hill...
He thinks, " I am gonna have you pal.."
He starts to climb the hill and goes bang a d bang..
Soldier is still standing..
He gets closer....
Bang a d bang...
He is still standing...
Our recruit is now worried...
BANG A D BANG, BANG A D BANG, BANG A D BANG, BANG A D BANG....
Still standing...
Recruit is desperate and gets in close...
STAB A D STAB, STAB A D STAB, STAB A D STAB...
The enemy soldier is still standing and looks down and says TANK A D TANK...

 

[Matt Weir]

I defy you to not laugh your nads off at this

 

[Tadpole]

Well........ all right then;

this is true!
I'm sitting downstairs the other night, when my daughter, who's back from university atm, shouts down for me to "pop up here a minute"

So up I go, she's sitting at her dressing table come desk and as I wandered in, the laddie followed me, stepping to one side and sat on the floor.

Now they're both totally deadpan, not a sign of any skulduggery so I asked; "yes, what are you after?"

"Oh" she says," apparently, if you say elephant slowly enough, it sounds like gullible"

"elephant?" say's I, "yes" came the reply.

So there I am; "eeellleeeppphhhaaannnttt":bluThinki "Nah! get away with you" says me

"try it again dad" say's the boy, so, off I went; "eeeelllleeeepppphhhhaaaannnntttt" :bluThinki

"Ah your talking rubbish again, where'd you get that from?, it sounds nothing like gullible"
and then the voice from the corner chirps in;

"Oh I don't know dad, it sounds pretty gullible to me":yikes:
The buxxers!

Hows that?
cheers
R.B.

p.s.: your not to tell anyone else mind

Both the Oxford English Dictionary and Hutchinson Dictionary. Have removed the word gullible from their Dictionary and online Dictionary reference

 

[Womble]

How do you keep a bushcrafter in suspense?

 

[decorum]

Another true one.


It was nearing swmbo's birthday and, as blokes usually are, I was clueless as to what to get her.
I gently pestered, nagged and cajouled her for a few days.
And as a last, desperate, measure used the fact that the bedroom funiture needs replacing as a lever to get her to tell me what I could get her.


And the lever worked,

The last, desperate, grasp at the straw!

She told me what she wanted!



An engagement ring!



Blokes really shouldn't nag!

 

[Celt_Ginger]

A Tramp goes into a jewler's shop, drops his trousers and starts to scratch his bum. "You can't do that in here" shouts the shop keeper. The Tramp replies "Well, the sign in the window says "Come in and pick your ring in comfort""

 

[luke_s]

Ok, here goes:

Two weasels are sitting on a bar stool. One starts to insult the other one. He screams, ‘I slept with your mother!’
The bar gets quiet as everyone listens to see what the other weasel will do.
The first again yells, ‘I SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER!’
The other says: ‘Go home dad, you’re drunk.’

or what about this one.....

Man walks into his doctors and says "Doctor, doctor, I've got a strawberry stuck up my bum."
Doctor replies, "I've got some cream for that."

Luke

 

[Paddywacker]

A man walks into a building and asks for a coffee.
Lady says: Sorry sir this is a Library.
Man (whispering): Ohh sorry, can I have a coffee please.

***************************

Man walks into his doctors and says " Doctor , Doctor, I can stop singing the Green Green Grass of Home "
Doctor says " sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome ".
Man asked is that common ?
Doctor replies well its not unusual.

 

[Mesquite]

A teacher decideds to have a lesson in recognising animals.

First picture she holds up is a cow and she asks someone to say what it is. Little Janey say's 'it's a cow miss'. Next picture is a pig and little Robbie gets it right.

She carriews on showing animals and giving little clues when the class get stuck. In the nd she hold up a picture of a deer. Silence...... the teacher says 'come on children, you all know this. I'll give you a clue, it's what your mummy calls your daddy when he's being affectionate'
Little Johnnie shoots his hand up 'I know miss, I know!!!'
Teacher says 'ok Johnnie, tell the class what it is.'

Johnne says 'It's a horney b?@~#rd miss!!!'

+++++++++++++++++++++++++


A teacher decided for storey time she'd read to her class of under 5's the story of the 3 little pigs. She got along with it until she got to the part where the first pig went up to the man with the straw and asked him for some to build his house.

She then paused and asked the class what do they think the man said.

A hand shot up and she asked for the answer.

A little voice said.....' HOLY crap, a talking pig!!!!!'

 

[Pignut]

A man walks into a bar..................................... Ouch.. it was an iron bar!:sad6:

 

[Bob]

A sandwich walks into a bar.

"Get out" shouts the barman, "We don't serve food in here."


Sorry!

Bob

 

[the interceptor boy]

" Making A Baby"

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...'

'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.'

'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?'

'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat'.

After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'

'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'

'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!'

'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'

'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith.

'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'

'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.

'Oh, my word!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.'

'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.

'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look'

'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?'

'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.'

'Tripod?'

'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand for very long.'
Mrs. Smith fainted.....

the interceptor boy.

 

[Graham_S]

A polar bear walks into a bar.
the barman says "what'll it be?"
the polar bear says "I'll have a....
..
...
.....
.......
...........
.............

..Pint please"

The barman says "why the big pause?"
"Because I'm a polar bear"

 

[Andy2112]

Man goes into a pet shop and the owner said "yes, how can i help you ?"
The man said " i'd like a pet please"
Owner said "what would you like ?"
man said "i'd like a wasp "
owner said "we don't sell wasps"
man said "well, you've got one in the window"



Boom Boom Tssssssss

 

[Jedadiah]

Well peeps, i've been laughing my doodah's off looking at these as well as printing that picture of John Fenna off and using it to keep the kid's away from the fire and various threats (If you don't eat your dinner, Uncle John will come and get you!) so i'm going to let this run for a while longer. I'll amend the date at the start of the thread. Many thanks all, keep 'em coming!