I wish to complain about this Fairbanks & Lavender purchased not an hour ago from this very Bushcraft boutique.
Oh yes, the, uh, the Fairbanks & Lavender ...What's,uh...What's wrong with it?
I'll tell you what's wrong with it, my lad. It's in pieces , that's what's wrong with it!
No, no, it 's uh,...it's relaxing.
Look, matey, I know a knackered UNIVERSAL PATTERN SADDLE when I see one, and I'm looking at one right now.
No no it's not knackered, it's, it's restin'! Remarkable saddle , the Fairbanks & Lavender. Beautiful patina!
The patina don't enter into it. It's a good as stone dead.
Nononono, no, no! It's resting!
All right then, if it's restin', I'll revive it!
'Ello, Mister Pretty Saddle I've got a lovely fresh pot of Neatsfoot oil for you if you show movement.
There, it moved!
No, it didn't, that was you hitting it!
I never!!
Yes, you did!
I never, never did anything...
Testing! Testing! Testing! Testing! This is your nine o'clock alarm call!
(Saddler thumps saddle on desk. Throws it up in the air and watches it plummet to the floor.)
Now that's what I call a knackered saddle.
No, no.....No, it's stunned!
STUNNED?!?
Yeah! You stunned it, just as it was showing signs of pulling it's self together! Fairbanks & Lavender's stun easily, Sir.
Um...now look...now look, mate, I've definitely 'ad enough of this. That saddle is definitely deceased, and when I purchased it not an hour ago, you assured me that its total lack of movement was due to it bein' shagged out following a prolonged threat from a recycling knife.
Well, it's...it's, ah...probably pining for the Front Line.
PININ' for the FRONT LINE?!?!?!? What kind of talk is that?, look, why did it fall apart the moment I gave it a rub?
The Fairbanks & Lavender prefers a gentler approach! Remarkable saddle squire? Lovely patina!
Look, as soon as I arrived home I took the liberty of examining that saddle, and I discovered the only reason that it had been sitting up straight in the first place was that it had been SUPERGLUED together.
No no! It's pining!
It's not pinin'! It's passed on! This saddle is no more! It has ceased to be! It's expired and gone to meet it's maker!
It's a stiff! Bereft of life, it rests in peace! If you hadn't glued it together it be pushing up the poppies!
Its metabolic processes are now 'istory! It's off the cast!
It's kicked the stitching horse , it's shuffled off it's mortal coil, partaken of too much Twodogs and joined the bleedin' choir invisibile!!
THIS IS AN EX- UNIVERSAL PATTERN SADDLE!!
Well, I'd better replace it, then.
Sorry squire, I've had a look 'round the back, and uh, we're right out of Fairbanks & Lavenders. VERY RARE they are!
I see. I see, I get the picture.
I got an axe or bushcrafter sheaf.
Pray, do they have WW 1 markings?
Nnnnot really.
WELL IT'S HARDLY A BLOODY REPLACEMENT, IS IT?!!???!!?
Sorry, it almost works!
Cheers