Truely awful jokes....

[Kath]

I've got a joke that's kind of on-topic:

A Scout master was teaching the scouts about desert survival:

"Name 3 important things you should bring with you in case you get lost?"

The scouts each suggest lots of important things like hat, food, matches, etc.

The youngest boy puts his hand up.

The Scout master says "Yes Johnny, what are the three most important items you should take with you in the desert?"

Johnny replies: "A compass, a canteen of water and a deck of cards."

The Scout master replies "Why's that Johnny?"

"Well, the compass is to find the right direction home" says Johnny, " and the water is to prevent dehydration."

"What about the deck of cards?" asks the Scout master, "What would you want that for?"

"To play solitaire, Sir," says Johnny "in case I got lonely".

The Scout master taps his foot impatiently and says "And why on earth would you want to play Solitaire???"

"Well, as soon as you start playing Solitaire," says Johnny, "someone is bound to come up behind you and say, 'Put that red nine on top of that black ten!'"

(Well, I never said it was a good joke! )

 

[Paganwolf]

ive been moderated for well less than that!!!!!!!! c'mon wheres the justice eh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! can i tell one of my jokes?? :yikes: ok i wont i promise :shock:

 

[Squidders]

Kim, c'mon then... let's hear your worst

Corporal Jones was assigned to the induction center, where he advised new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance. It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Corporel Jones was having a staggeringly high success-rate, selling insurance to nearly 100% of the recruits he advised. Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones' sales pitch.

Jones explained the basics of the GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said: "If you have GI Insurance and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $250,000 to your beneficiaries. If you don't have GI insurance, and you go into battle and get killed, the government only has to pay a maximum of $6,000.

Now," he concluded, "which group do you think they are going to send into battle first?"

 

[TheViking]

If Squidders can post such a naughty joke, then I can too. (Feel fre to mod)

Do you know how to make a woman scream twice? Take her from back and wipe it off in the tablecloth afterwards.

I'll probably have the mods: :madaxe: after that one. :rolmao:

 

[Shamisen]

Ok new zoo keeper at the zoo, has been given 3 tasks.

First task go clean the fish tank, he falls in and squashes the fish.

Disstressed by what he has done, doesn't want boss to find out, throws the fish in with the lions.

Next task feed the chimps, chimps get angry with him being in their cage
and attack him. So he throws coconuts at them to distract them, and accidently kills two of them.

Thinking he's gonna get the sack he decides to throw the chimps in with the lions.

The last task, collect honey from the bees, but they aren't too happy an start stinging him. So he starts waving his spade and squashing the bees.

If my boss finds out, there's no way I'm gonna keep this job now, so he shovells the bees into the lions cage.

Later that day a new lion is brought to the zoo, and asks the other lions what's it like here? Not too bad they say

He then asks how's the food then?
They reply brilliant, just look at what we had today

FISH CHIMPS AND MUSHY BEES :rolmao:

Is that BAD or what LOL

 

[tomtom]

The Viking.. i think you are pushing the bound of acceptability there mate!

 

[Squidders]

Dear Mum & Dad,

Our Scoutmaster told us to write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and are worried. We are okay. Only one of our tents and two sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Adam when it happened.

Oh yes, please call Adam's mother and tell her he is okay. He can't write because of the cast. I got to ride in one of the search and rescue jeeps. It was neat. We never would have found Adam in the dark if it hadn't been for the lightning.

Scoutmaster Keith got mad at Adam for going on a hike alone without telling anyone. Adam said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably didn't hear him. Did you know that if you put gas on a fire, the gas will blow up? The wet wood didn't burn, but one of the tents did and also some of our clothes. Mathew is going to look weird until his hair grows back.

We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Keith gets the bus fixed. It wasn't his fault about the wreck. The brakes worked okay when we left. Scoutmaster Keith said that with a bus that old you have to expect something to break down; that's probably why he can't get insurance. We think it's a neat bus. He doesn't care if we get it dirty, and if it's hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the fenders. It gets pretty hot with 45 people in a bus made for 24. He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the highway patrol man stopped and talked to us.

Scoutmaster Keith is a neat guy. Don't worry, he is a good driver. In fact, he is teaching Jessie how to drive on the mountain roads where there aren’t any cops. All we ever see up there are logging trucks. This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out to the rapids. Scoutmaster Keith wouldn't let me because I can't swim, and Adam was afraid he would sink because of his cast, -- it's concrete because we didn't have any plaster --, so he let us take the canoe out. It was great. You can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood.

Scoutmaster Keith isn't crabby like some scoutmasters. He didn't even get mad about the missing life jackets. He has to spend a lot of time working on the bus so we are trying not to cause him any trouble. Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit badges. When Andrew dived into the lake and cut his arm, we got to see how a tourniquet works. Steven and I threw up, but Scoutmaster Keith said it probably was just food poisoning from the leftover chicken. He said they got sick that way with food they ate in prison. I'm so glad he got out and became our scoutmaster. He said he sure figured out how to get things done better while he was doing his time.

I have to go now. We are going to town to mail our letters
Don't worry about anything. We are fine.
Love, Chris

 

[Paganwolf]

Andy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ur a kid !!!!!!!!!!!! im a blimmin adult and i get moderated for sayin sea gull poo!!!!!!!!!!! by the way that joke will be told to eveyone in essex by sunday :rolmao: :rolmao: !!!!!!!

 

[TheViking]

Andy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ur a kid !!!!!!!!!!!! im a blimmin adult and i get moderated for sayin sea gull poo!!!!!!!!!!! by the way that joke will be told to eveyone in a=essex by sund :rolmao: ay!!!!!!!

:rolmao: And i'm sure it'll get modded too. But as long as we're not typing any rude words, I think it's ok. :?:

 

[Paganwolf]

:rolmao: And i'm sure it'll get modded too. But as long as we're not typing any rude words, I think it's ok. :?:

you rock brother you are my new honoury essex boy !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[Shamisen]

Hee hee I thought It was very funny and cheeky too LOL.
Keep em coming ):

 

[TheViking]

Okay okay. Rude joke deleted. :roll: But I have another one:
Why does dwarfs laugh when they play football? Because the grass tickles them in the behind...
That wasn't so bad?
No offense and cheers :uu:

 

[Frogo]

Jelly baby goes to the doctors, doctor tells him he's got bad news for him.
He's seriously ill, jelly baby rplies what's wrong with me?

Doc says I'm afraid you got aids, jelly baby asks how did i catch that.
Doc replies Well you've been sleeping with Allsorts haven't you?

Frogo

 

[tomtom]

ok if we are going for rude...

A keen but novice outdoors man is learning traking from an old native cheif..

they ride all day across the plains.. folloring traks and odserving broken blades and such like.. but they do not catch sight of their quary...

then as the sun is setting and the indian get down from his horse and puts his ear to the ground.. concentrating he says "huumm.. Buffulo come" the aprentice get excited and asks "how do you know?" and the native replys...
"sticky face" :shock:

 

[Squidders]

What's E.T. short for?

He's got little legs

 

[tomtom]

whats green and loud?



a frog-horn..

 

[Squidders]

This is long but cracked me up in a very sad geeky way

There's an extra scene included in the DVD release of EMPIRE STRIKES BACK.

Basically, it expands on the scene where Vader reveals his fatherhood to luke, and ties up some loose ends created with the release of the Phantom
Menace........

A furious lightsaber duel is underway. DARTH VADER is backing LUKE SKYWALKER towards the end of the gantry. A quick move by Vader, chops off Luke's hand! It goes spinning off into the ventilation shaft. Luke backs
away. He looks around, but realises there's nowhere to go but straight down.

Darth Vader: Obi Wan never told you what happened to your father.

Luke: He told me enough! He told me you killed him!

Darth Vader: No... I am your father!

Luke: No, it's not true! It's impossible.

Darth Vader: Search your feelings... you know it to be true...

Luke: NO!

Darth Vader: Yes, it is true... and you know what else? You know that brass droid of yours?

Luke: Threepio?

Darth Vader: Yes... Threepio... I built him... when I was 7 years old...

Luke: No...

Darth Vader: Seven years old? And what have you done? Look at yourself, no aand, no job, and couldn't even levitate your own ship out of the swamp...

Luke: I destroyed your precious Death Star!

Darth Vader: When you were 20! When I was 10, I single-handedly destroyed a Trade Federation Droid Control ship!

Luke: Well, it's not my fault...

Darth Vader: Oh, here we go... "Poor me... my father never gave me what I wanted for my birthday... boo hoo, my daddy's the Dark Lord of the Sith...waahhh wahhh!"

Luke: Shut up...

Darth Vader: You're a slacker! By the time I was you're age, I had exterminated the Jedi knights!

Luke: I used to race my T-16 through Beggar's Canyon

Darth Vader: Oh, for the love of the Emperor... 10 years old, winner of the Boonta Eve Open... Only human to ever fly a Pod Racer... right here baby!

Luke looks down the shaft. Takes a step towards it.

Darth Vader: I was wrong... You're not my kid... I don't know whose you are, but you sure ain't mine...

Luke takes a step off the platform, hesitates, then plunges down the shaft.

Darth Vader runs to the shaft.

Darth Vader: Get a haircut!

 

[tomtom]

on the subject of star ways..

Luke Skywalker and Darth Vader are having a battle

Vader says: Luck...... I know what you got me for Christmas..

Luke says: NOOOO.... how do you know

Vader says: i have felt your presents

Your right Squidders.. its only up from here! :biggthump

 

[Great Pebble]

"Bring Your Grandad to School" day and little Johnny's Grandad is telling holding all the kids spellbound with his tales of being a fighter Pilot in the Battle Of Britain.

"So me and my pal saw these four fokkers below us, We opened the throttles, dived and opened up on them....."

At this point the teacher interjects " I think I'd better make clear to the children that a Fokker is a type of aircraft"

"Yes indeed" says Johnny's Grandad "But these particular fokkers were flying Messerschmits".

 

[MagiKelly]

I'm staying out of this. If you saw what heppened to the BB thread you will know why.