Tales of Woe from the Woods

[Mantic]

Being only a newbie to this group, I was wondering if I might start a thread concerning any tales of adventure and misadventure you might have experienced whilst out in the wilds (hiking, bushcraft, et al).

I know I have several but I'd like to hear from other people any interesting anecdotes - nope, I'm not writing a book, but there's a thought : )

Try to keep it real (no friend of a friend stories and no embellishments).

Go on, give yourself a chance to rant about some idiot 'friend' who forced you to hike back to the car when they forgot their fags

 

[spamel]

Well, I once went camping with my young brother and my dad at wharnecliffe crags and there abouts. Now, I would of expected my dad to have had all the bases covered and sorted his admin out. It was his map and his map case, no one else was allowed to touch it. I noticed he'd had a bit to drink before we left, these being in his naughty days which he is putting to rights at the moment. I didn't mind too much as he often would have a nip when we went camping as kids, it's not as if he got blasted or anything.

Well, we got up the crags and had a nice walk and after a while it started to rain a bit. I asid we should start looking for a site to pitch our bashas and get some grub on the go.

"Where do you reckon Dad? Have a look on the map for a suitable place." said I.

"I can't!" said Dad, "I left the map on the kitchen table!"

Great! We found a place in the end against a dry brick wall miles from anywhere with pheasant running about the place. It was quite pleasant, one of those places you stumble upon by accident and you're pretty happy about it. I got the trangia out, Dad got his trangia going aswell, and we got a brew on and some grub. Whilst this was cooking, I pitched my issue basha, the big DPM one that would house my brother and me for the night. Dad was making a very Irish coffee and was gonna put his aussie hootchie up afterwards.

The rain was coming down pretty hard by now and us two young ones retreated to the cover of the basha and got our bergens underneath aswell. Dad was rummaging through his bergen cursing us for having a bit of forethought, when he looked across at me and said "Phill, how many people can you fit under that?!!"

"Why!!"

"I've left my basha behind aswell!!"

What a bloody drama! We spent a cramped night under the basha, but we squeezed in enough for us all to be comfortable! Those bashas are great for being able to accomodate a good few people!!

 

[Mantic]

A nice story - lucky it all ended up okay. I've forgotten my trangia burner (took the windsheild and the pots, just no burner - used a cut down candle from my candle lantern in the end) but never forgotten the map or basha.

I hate that feeling you get when you've forgotten something - that sick feeling of, "oh b**ger, I'm about to be really uncomfortable and look really stupid". Like the time I forgot my coat. What's worse than forgetting your coat? Turning up on K2 without crampons?!?!?!

 

[Longbow lad]

whilst out in the woods looking for some timber suitible for a carving project, i became overwhelmed by the fundamental urge that can only be brought about by the digestion of a lamb vindaloo at my local takeaway. Franticly checking the OS map it was obvious that no public amenities were in the area so it was a case of "oh well, another bushcraft skill to put to the test".

Locating suitibly pointy stick, i dug a pit in a secluded area of the wood, dropped anchor and unleashed my torment.

Lesson 1: Revelation: It never smells as bad in the woods as it does in the house.

Blissful moments followed:, as the torment gave way to relief i was thrilled to notice, mid squat, the perfect carving timber i was looking for.

Lesson 2: No need for reading material, take a dump in the woods, you can find more than you loose!

Bliss was soon irrelevant as i realised id forgotten that most essetial piece of kit, no,.. not cordage....wipage!. Back to nature then, I spotted some sphagnum moss within arms reach..phew!

Lesson 3: delightfully soft, with a beautiful organic texture to it. aaah..you cant get this in tesco's

Incident over, it was time to bury ones efforts. oh no! whilst pulling up my pants a fiver falls from my pocket, into the hole and the queen is impressively soiled.

Lesson 4: Sphagnum moss is turning out to be the most expensive loo roll ever.

Once composed, reminding myself to put money in a wallet, and realising all hope was lost of recovering her majesty, the incident was buried. I continued my days walking, thankful that things hadnt got any worse..

...only to notice a stirring in my boxers...oh my god..something is wriggling!!!

It appeared, that whilst "taking in the view" i hadnt paid enough attention to the underside of the sphagnum moss, and now a grub was wrigging in my groove like john travolta in sturday night fever - .it must have dropped into my boxers and hung on!

help!, now im somewhere a lot more public, i cant drop my pants here!!!

Lesson 5: Proper preparation prevents post poo problems

I run to the nearest clump of bushes and promptly remove the invader, and discover a cow has only very recently been here before me. recent enough for me to loose my footing in my frantic efforts and get my jeans covered in cowpat as i slip and try to stop sliding down the slope with my jeans half undone.

i also hear the sound of my selcted bit of timber snap inside my rucksack.

Driving home with all the windows down, i laugh to myself, i should be mad, or at least frustrated by now, but somehow im not.

 

[Mantic]

LOL

Another lesson for everyone - never have a chili-con-carne eating contest in the woods using Dave's Insanity Sauce (probably the hottest chili sauce in the world). You'll be singing Moby's Ring of Fire for a week!

 

[iamwill]

Wow, so many lessons learnt in one go! what a storey, if you didn't laugh you would cry!

 

[PJMCBear]

Patrolling with 8 of the lads from my unit and ‘Bob’ the SAS instructor, on exercise in Jamaica. Middle of the blackest night I’ve ever spent in the cuds. We had to cross a field to get to a river crossing point.

Line abreast, we began crawling forwards across the field.

Out of the darkness comes a loud snort, followed by drumming feet coming closer, fast.

All I saw was SAS instructor ‘Bob’, at full pelt, flying past me, with the dark shape of an enraged cow chasing him across the field and into the forest.

Damn funny. Just couldn't take him seriously afterwards.

 

[BorderReiver]

I hate that feeling you get when you've forgotten something - that sick feeling of, "oh b**ger, I'm about to be really uncomfortable and look really stupid". Like the time I forgot my coat.

I've done that.

Didn't rain, much.

 

[PJMCBear]

Another one:

On ‘stag’ in a wood just at the foot of the Pentlands near Edinburgh with one of my muckers. We were expecting the platoon Sgt’s brick to come in sometime in the middle of our ‘stag’, and he’d already given us dire warnings of consequences should he find us asleep in duty.

Shortly before we were to be relieved, we heard them approaching through the woods.

“Can you see ‘em yet?”, the Sgt’s voice whispered.
“Nah, nothing.”
“They’ve fallen asleep! I’ll kill ‘em!”

Almost on top of me, I challenged him at the top of my voice, “ARMY, STOP OR I FIRE!”

“FOR F*&#~ SAKE, YA BAST@~£!”

My opo and I couldn’t even ask for the password as he came lumbering towards us, calling me every name under the sun. We were roaring with laughter.

Guess you had to be there, but it still makes me chuckle, 15 year after the incident.

 

[BorderReiver]

Another one:


Almost on top of me, I challenged him at the top of my voice, “ARMY, STOP OR I FIRE!”

“FOR F*&#~ SAKE, YA BAST@~£!”

My opo and I couldn’t even ask for the password as he came lumbering towards us, calling me every name under the sun. We were roaring with laughter.

Guess you had to be there, but it still makes me chuckle, 15 year after the incident.

Nice one.

 

[william#]

i got a call from a mate of mine saying look im going to snowdonia in about 2hrs you up for it ?
i said f<<< yeah so he said i will be round in 2hrs be ready
i rushed around stuffed all the walking and climbing stuff in two sacks , sat down and waited
mate arrived bunged everything in the van and we were off
great journey praising each other at our spontanous adventerous spirit .
now several hours later and just after dark we arrived at camp site pitched up it was then i realised i brought everything but a sleeping bag - doh
not too much of a drama but a chilli night for me .
but it dont end there .
next day we were down the equipment shop and i was looking for a cheap as chip sleeping bag
a vango was going at around 20 quid so i just picked it up in its stuff sack and paid for it .
a day of walking went by - great it was
a few pints on the way back too
then we cooked up dinner washed up a few cans and we were ready for bed .
i pull the new sleeping bag out of the stuff sack only to discover it was a kiddie s bag (about 3ft long ) \9im over 6ft btw).
oh i have never heard the last of

 

[ilovemybed]

A similar latrine disaster to the one above:
On the Woodlore Primitive skills course, they dug the latrine about 100 yds away in the woods, for a bit of privacy. One evening I decided to christen the newly dug trench (and thank goodness it was freshly dug!)

To get a bit more light from my meagre 2xaa Maglite I decided to unscrew the reflector and leave the bulb exposed, which appeared to work a treat.

So, I got on with my business and was just about to get the bog roll out from the Tupperware tub (top tip!) when disaster! I dropped the torch, and it rolled into the trench.
Then it flickered and and went out. :yikes: So I was left with my trousers at half mast, in the woods with a dirty botty...

Luckily I was saved by top tips number 2 and 3: :thinkerg:
Top tip number 2 (No pun intended): Keep matches in the tupperware with your loo roll so you can burn it off and reduce waste.
The two combined are also handy for emergency lighting to locate one's torch when dropped in a latrine trench. Luckily it missed my recent deposit.

So I gingerly retrieved the Maglite, but realised that I was still without light, as the bulb had broken in the accident. :bluThinki
Thank goodness for top tip #3:
Maglites have a spare bulb in the base. Yippee!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

After that, I managed to finish my business and compose myself enough that my co-campers had no idea that anything untoward had occurred. At least until someone noticed that half the bog roll and half the matches seemed to have 'gone up in smoke'...

All was well, at least until the mad dutch bloke got lost with the remainder of the loo roll for about four hours, and had to be returned to camp in the back of Ray's land rover at about 2.30am, but that's another story...

 

[william#]

oh go on tell us about dutch man

 

[Cyclingrelf]

Yes! Tell us about the dutchman!

 

[Mantic]

LOL - some funny tales going on here! It's beginning to read like a copy of FHM...

On my stagdo, I decided that I was bored with the usual "go into town, drink, eat, drink, get stripper, lose trousers, drink, lose eyebrows, vomit, wake up in gutter, vomit" style stagdos. Instead, my mates and I loaded up a couple of landies and headed into the woods for a weekend of off-roading, camping and drinking (couldn't miss that last part out).

Towards the end of the first night, one bloke who is always pushing the boundaries of his alcohol imbibing abilities, was passed out in a puddle of congealed vomit (his vomit, mind, not ours). Everyone started getting into their tents but I (even though somewhat inebriated) was concerned that the drunken fool would get hyperthermia (or at least, very cold) so we dragged his unconscious body into the tent only to find that when we zipped it closed, the top of his head was still stuck outside. Well, we couldn't be bothered to shift him anymore so gave up and left him.

He woke up the next morning with a mass of mozzie bites, all in a perfect line, across his forehead and a stinking hangover.

Righteous vengeance methinks for throwing up in our campsite

 

[ilovemybed]

Well, I'm afraid that said dutchman might read this... I don't want to embarrass him so I won't go into too much detail. I can't remember his name, but I think it began with a J.

One of the many mad things he did was get lost when he went to relieve himself in the latrine.

A good arrangement they had was that there was one loo roll, stored in a tupperware tub with matches. If the tub wasn't where it should be, someone was using it at the latrine - kind of like a wild camping Vacant/occupied sign. The rule was that those people who needed to 'go' had to wait patiently for the loo roll to return, so as not to disturb whoever may have been using it.

As previously mentioned the trench was a reasonable distance from the camp site in the woods. It was slightly down the slope and unfortunately you couldn't really see the camp from the latrine (But fortunately you couldn't see the latrine from the camp!) Anyway, our Dutch friend set off into the darkness to answer the call of nature. It was late at night and quite dark. We thought he had just gone to bed so didn't miss him. Nobody was really sure who was still up, and we all trickled off to bed without a second thought.

Meanwhile, poor 'J' had got lost. I'm not sure if he even found the latrine. Those people who needed to visit it too were beginning to get a bit worried that the loo roll was missing but went to bed anyway in the hope it would return

All went quiet at about half past two the camp awoke to the sound of a Land Rover, and some considerable chuckling.

It transpired that poor J had got lost, and on looking for the camp site had made the classic mistake of crossing a fence. Then another, and another, and, apparently, another. Eventually, about half past midnight, he found himself at a farm. Having only gone to the loo he was not really prepared for a night in the woods (only clutching a tupperware tub containing loo roll and matches) and was probably really quite worried, so he rang the doorbell...

The poor old lady wasn't really prepared to have a petrified and shivering dutchman with only a rough grasp of English appear at her door after midnight, smelling vaguely of fire and clutching only a loo roll in a tupperware tub. Still, she did let him in and managed to determine the nature of his problem. Luckily for 'J', it appeared her son-in-law, or some other relative, knew Ray personally and even luckier, Ray had gone home that evening rather than staying with the course because he had a book to write. So Ray was obliged to crawl out of bed to answer the phone, jump in the landy and rescue the poor old lady from her newly aquired friend, who was probably just about ready to die of embarrassment.

And then we all had cake.
The end.

 

[william#]

a tupper ware box with loo roll and matches
i would say he had all he needed for a night in the woods

 

[redcollective]

Driving home with all the windows down, i laugh to myself, i should be mad, or at least frustrated by now, but somehow im not.

LOL make no mistake - we aren't laughing with you - we are laughing AT you. Buster Keaton couldn't top that one... Cheers

 

[Shambling Shaman]

a tupper ware box with loo roll and matches
i would say he had all he needed for a night in the woods

Tupper ware box, loo roll & matches - when I was a lad we had to make do with....etc..

My story would have been funny about 4 post ago but I dout I can match some of the others..but My story has a morle.
On one of my DofE trips my self a my walking partner Michael Barns were pitching my tent in the dark - No pegs B*$%£"*& I never forget any thing allways lay every thing on the bed and check before I pack. so we find some sticks luckly we only need 4 to get tent up (vango huracan alpha) so knife out in dark only need one plaster (still have scar) we get tent up and to bed...role over almost impale my self on tent pegs...So when you are shore you have packed look again

 

[Mantic]

Talking of carrying odd items...

A friend and I were on holiday 'somewhere up north' in the the States. We had been dropped off by car and given rough instructions as to how to get to a nearby lake, where (because it was hot and sunny) we would be able to swim. Since the walk was only an estimated 30 minutes and there were a couple of shops en route, we didn't carry much - a snorkel, a mask and fins (we were both wearing t-shirts, shorts and sandals).

After an hour of walking and much chatting, we came to the conclusion that we had taken a wrong turn. The reason it took us so long to realise was simply because we were having such a good time talking and looking at the scenery - just a long straight road and forest, forest and more forest - no houses and (woops) no shops.

Anyway, we worked out where the directions had deviated from reality and decided to continue the way we were going and visit a gun store we had seen, from the car, on the way down here. We estimated that it would take about 30 minutes.

2 hours later we arrive at the gun store. It was closed. We are now very hot, sunburnt, tired and very very thirsty. We are totally ill equipped for the journey (the sandles by now had caused significant blisters) and are still clutching snorkel, mask and fins. The ridiculous thing is that the lake was the only body of water for chuffing miles.

Eventually, after about 6 hours in total, we arrive at the lake, by now, very very sunburnt and about as thirsty as you can get without getting delirious.

We saw 3 cars the entire time. One of them, a beat up pickup, buzzed by 3 times blaring it's horn each time. It's occupants, two very unkempt, bearded sasquatch looking guys, held a rifle and a shotgun out of the window. On the 3rd pass they fired shots over our heads amidst roars of drunken laughter. We never saw them again and can only hope that they ended up having a (fatal) encounter with one of the many impressive cliffs in the area.

BTW the lake was naff.