I was in a well known DIY shop earlier, The man in front of me had a tin of total wood treatment he asked the checkout person if it was any good for wood worm to which she replied with a completely serious expression "Not really it kills them"
Overheard in diy shop
- Thread starter Colin.W
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Elen Sentier
Bushcrafter (boy, I've got a lot to say!)
Shambling Shaman
Bushcrafter (boy, I've got a lot to say!)
I know that Ronseal definitely does what it says on the tin.
I drank some and it caused nausea and vomiting.
I drank some and it caused nausea and vomiting.
Elen Sentier
Bushcrafter (boy, I've got a lot to say!)
Or a long wait (weight) which you can actually get, it's for sash windows! Dad's fave was a box of tappet clearances 
behind every creative woman there's usually a very talented cat ...
behind every creative woman there's usually a very talented cat ...
Did you know that the pig is the most useful animal on the planet ? We can use every bit of it; even it's last squeak.....that's what makes the bubble in the spirit level
So said my Dad to an infant me to make me wheest
M
Similar thing heard in a village near Sanquhar (can't remember which one). Old lady's wee runaway dog had just been run very flat by an 18 wheeler. She was saying how terrible it was and couldn't be worse. The no nonesense Officer said "Aye it could, she could've still had it on the lead."
bloke in pet shop to assistant.........
i found a racing pigeon that was concussed, it wont eat the bread and stuff i been trying to feed it with, what would you recommend for a pigeon
assistant, with a straight face and pointing at a labeled bag on the counter.............
pigeon food.
i found a racing pigeon that was concussed, it wont eat the bread and stuff i been trying to feed it with, what would you recommend for a pigeon
assistant, with a straight face and pointing at a labeled bag on the counter.............
pigeon food.
Did you know that the pig is the most useful animal on the planet ? We can use every bit of it; even it's last squeak.....that's what makes the bubble in the spirit level
So said my Dad to an infant me to make me wheest
M
Toddy your father might have been telling a mistruth! ... I was told by my father, that they collected fish farts for the the bubbles in spirit levels! That's coming from a fish farmer too! Not bad for a German!
Aye Stanleythecat, they are from fish, but it has to be flatfish like flounder otherwise the bubbles wont be level.
We had fun in Sanquhar last week when a lorry shed a load of glue (and I mean a giant plastic bag of glue that took up the whole of the trailer) - glue everywhere. The amount of stuck in traffic puns was ridiculous but I thought the best was when a guy with a Mitsubishi was told to steer clear cause they didn't want an Evo-stick.....
An old guy in Sanquhar was overheard being asked for directions - "how do you get to Dumfries?" - "My daughter takes me or I get the bus".
Many stories from up this way - like the work experience shepherd left to dig a hole to bury a sheep (saving knackers yard fees) - shepherd returns, "that hole isny big enough, wur needin a bigger hole than that, I'll get ye at lousin time". Turns up at the end of the day and the holes filled in and a new, bigger hole dug. People don't believe me but I was in the pub when the shepherd came in, he was crying with laughter by the time he'd told us......:yelrotflm
When I was based up in Morayshire there was an occasion when one of the old lads (Jock) with a beautiful slow highland accent came over the radio in the forestry office sounding totally unfazed "Hello, I've rolled the Rover over, over." Much suppressed giggling in the office as all imagined him hanging upside down in his seatbelt in a upturned landy. He was asked to repeat. "Yes, I've rolled the Rover over, over."
Useless DIY shop. No left-handed screwdrivers and no rubber headed hammers for glass headed nails. When I asked when they'd be in stock they it would be they got a round twit.
An old guy in Sanquhar was overheard being asked for directions - "how do you get to Dumfries?" - "My daughter takes me or I get the bus".
Its like the lyrics for Michelle Shocked's song "Hey Farmer."
Hey farmer! You been livin' here all your life?
Not yet.
Hey farmer! Where does this road go?
Been livin' here all my life, it ain't gone nowhere yet.
Hey farmer! How do you get to Little Rock?
Listen stranger, you can't get there from here.
Hey farmer! Thought you said that mud-hole weren't very deep?
Only comes up to here on me ducks.
Hey farmer! When you gonna fix that leakin' roof?
Ah stranger, when it's a rainin' it's too wet to fix it and when it's dry it's just as good as any mans house.
Hey farmer! You're not too far from a fool are you?
Just a barbed-wire fence between us.
Hey farmer! You don't know very much do you?
No, but I ain't lost.
We've all had conversations like this with old country types I fear.
GB
A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost.
He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts, "Excuse me. Can you help me? I promised my friend I would meet him half an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."
The man below says, "Yes, you are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 40 feet above this field. You are between 46 & 48 degrees N latitude and between 52 & 56 degrees W. longitude."
"You must be in IT says the balloonist.
"I am," replies the man. "How did you know?"
"Well," says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct but I have no idea what to make of your information and the fact is I am still lost."
The man below says, "You must be a Manager"
"I am," replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well," says the man below, "you don't know where you are or where you are going. You have made a promise which you have no idea how to keep and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met but now it is somehow my fault."
He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts, "Excuse me. Can you help me? I promised my friend I would meet him half an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."
The man below says, "Yes, you are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 40 feet above this field. You are between 46 & 48 degrees N latitude and between 52 & 56 degrees W. longitude."
"You must be in IT says the balloonist.
"I am," replies the man. "How did you know?"
"Well," says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct but I have no idea what to make of your information and the fact is I am still lost."
The man below says, "You must be a Manager"
"I am," replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well," says the man below, "you don't know where you are or where you are going. You have made a promise which you have no idea how to keep and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met but now it is somehow my fault."
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