Funny Military Stories

[Stevie777]

There has to be a few in here who have did a bit of Soldiering AKA Getting some in. So hows about we share the funnier side of the Army/Navy/Air force etc.

I'll start it off.
Ok, Funny TA (reserves) story.

One Monday night back in around 84/85 we assembled in the hall for inspection. RSM calls everyone to attention, before the High heid yin appeared down from above to inspect the troops.

The Usual, walk among the ranks. eyes everywhere. Who Ironed those? fluff on jumper, Tram lines on troosers, scuff mark on boots, then he gets to McGloin...

What's that #### on your face McGloin, Bawls the RSM..

McGoin...Mascara Sir.

Troop...Snigger snigger...stop laughing....Eyes front.

Well get it off yer face...bawls the RSM

McGloin, I tried sir but it's waterproof...

The RSM at this Point was absolutely furious and hunted McGloin oot the hall. Eyyyyyeeeeeeees Front.

At this point we were about to burst

McGloin you see was a Modern Romantic AKA a makeup wearing strangling when he wasn't playing Soldiers and he also pee'd the bed, later blaming strangers in the night for throwing water over him at night..

Loved my old TA days, Never a dull moment..I have others, but i'll let someone else have a go..

 

[mick91]

Not mine but a pretty good one. My best mates dad was in the forces at the height of the cold war, apparently every night after sentry duties etc they would signal to each other before returning through radio by switching bandwiths and giving times and code words. A week or so in apparently base commandant had twigged and had MPs arrest them both and interrogate them as to the code words "chip pan chip pan" and "white 1/2" or "black 0/1/2". The interrogator wouldn't believe that the codes where in fact a late night snack order meaning put the chip pan on and make me a brew milk and 2 etc. They wound up spending 2 weeks each in military jail until their seargents and COs had come to the decision they where both too thick to be reds under the beds. They argue about it to this day about who's fault it was as men of advancing years in the pub and all you have to say to spark it off is "I could fancy a chip butty" always a giggle

 

[Goatboy]

I have a wee book produced for a Scottish Regiment post WWI.
It's a collection of funny stories and my favourite is as follows.
It's a foul and bitter day and an officer looks out to see a small party of German POW's being escorted by a rather short wee Scottish soldier, rifle slung, battle bowler down against the rain and hands shoved deep into his greatcoat pockets.
The rather apoplectic officer storms over and starts to dress down the diminutive soldier about due diligence and care when escorting prisoners and how he could be overpowered due to his demenour. He's really upset by the slung rifle and pocketted hands.
The wee private waits 'till the rant is over and slowly pulls his hands out of his pocket revealing a grenade in each mitt, with the reply "The pins is oot!"

Sent via smoke-signal from a woodland in Scotland.

 

[mrcharly]

The wee private waits 'till the rant is over and slowly pulls his hands out of his pocket revealing a grenade in each mitt, with the reply "The pins is oot!"

Sent via smoke-signal from a woodland in Scotland.

How did he plan on putting the pins back in?

 

[Stevie777]

How did he plan on putting the pins back in?

Even John Wayne couldnae pull that one off....

 

[Robbi]

They didn't call him clever dick for nothing you know

 

[banco]

WHat's the difference between toast and the TA?....................................................
You can make soldiers out of toast

 

[Goatboy]

Don't know, just thought the story was good. Maybe the pin was only out on one and it was just done for show to scare the prisioners? I just liked the image of a wee self satisfied Jock smiling back at the officer.

Sent via smoke-signal from a woodland in Scotland.

 

[brambles]

A few years back , at my in-laws house in the Hebrides, they became aware of a couple of guys in old fashioned military gear at the end of the garden and asked them what they were doing. Turns out it was a military SERE exercise and they had been turned out in WW2 uniforms to survive and were being hunted. My mother in law immediately disappeared into the house and came out with a tray laden with sandwiches, cake, cups of tea and some tumblers of single malt. The troops said they were'nt supposed to be even talking to her let alone accepting food. At that point an olive green Landy was seen along the shoreline and my mother in law went to look, when she turned around the troops had gone ...... as had all the food and drink!

 

[wicca]

A long time ago I was involved as an Instructor running a camouflage and movement exercise for trainee Snipers. The exercise was being conducted in an area to which although very isolated, the public had free access, in fact this added an extra problem for the trainees to overcome and they had been told " Get spotted by a bird watcher and you're on the train home mate"...

The exercise was going well when a lady appeared with a yellow Labrador, off the lead. I was with others including a senior Officer on a high vantage point with binoculars and watched as the Lab cast about in the undergrowth. Suddenly a voice came up on the radio net (actual words adapted for a family forum... )

" Sierra One..I'm being attacked by a civvy dog"
Control.." Are you being bitten?"
" Sierra One..negative..it's just frisky"
Senior Officer observing through Bino's, in his best Eton accent..." It's a fine looking animal"

" Sierra One..Control"
" Go ahead"
"Sierra One...( Slightly panicky tone) This thing is trying to mate with me"

The beginnings of hysterics setting in at the control point...
Control.." Sierra One are you in the Kennel Club?"
Reply unreadable...
Senior Officer.." Who is Sierra One?"
.." O'Leary Sir"
Senior Officer to me.." He is only issued with blanks I take it?"
" Yes sir"
Senior Officer.." A small mercy" He then picks up a handset and says on the radio in his unmistakable accent..
" Sierra One when this is all over please remember that I have first claim on the pick of the litter"

General collapse of discipline, radio proceedure and some very rude, distinctly Irish abuse coming from Sierra One.

The lady walker never did discover Sierra One, the Lab escaped without having it's throat cut and Pat passed the course...

 

[santaman2000]

It's a tradition in our Air Force (possibly the other services too, but I'm not sure) to send JEEPS (an acronym for rookies meaning Just Enough Experience to Perform) on a fool's errand. One of the best we did was while I was stationed at RAF Fairford. We sent the new JEEP looking for four feet of fallopian tube to make a hydraulic line. Every shop was in on it and gleefully sent him along to the next shop in search of it. Finally he got to the Corrosion Control shop and called back saying, "Sgt Dickinson says she has some but she's not giving it up."

 

[mick91]

It's a tradition in our Air Force (possibly the other services too, but I'm not sure) to send JEEPS (an acronym for rookies meaning Just Enough Experience to Perform) on a fool's errand. One of the best we did was while I was stationed at RAF Fairford. We sent the new JEEP looking for four feet of fallopian tube to make a hydraulic line. Every shop was in on it and gleefully sent him along to the next shop in search of it. Finally he got to the Corrosion Control shop and called back saying, "Sgt Dickinson says she has some but she's not giving it up."

I love a good apprentice errand. When I was in uni I ended up on the wrong end of that. Being no stranger to factory and other manual work I was also no stranger to apprentice jokes, packets of sparks, buckets of gas etc. While in uni my lecturer had said to me "Mick can you go and get me some long stands from the stores, they're heavy and you're the biggest so unlucky mate" after about 15 minutes of me saying yeah yeah do you want some glass hammers with that too, I went down to the stores. I asked and was immediately handed 5 large heavy stainless steel with various clamps and fixings on them. Turns out the long stand is a genuine piece of laboratory equipment! Although he did get me with carrying 25 liters of diydrogen monooxide up the 3 flights of stairs. Then proceeded to fill his water bottle. Could have strangled him

 

[tiger stacker]

Some stories are too blue to be repeated. The mighty Ray Mears waffled on about stalking then skinning a deer, after reopening a previous underground oven, Selected cuts were entombed overnight for sunday roast scran. 75 hungry jocks were unimpressed at 9am when Ray mits hot brew, apologised over the rather undercooked venison. Moral always carry a spare boil in the bag.

 

[Native Nathan]

In the Army we call the JEEPs CROWs (Combat Recruit Of War)

Well we gave a crow a sealed note and a Claw hammer, with instructions, to take the sealed note to the pay office, get them to follow the instruction it contained to the letter, then after that to take the Hammer and what they give him from the pay office to the Pioneer stores.

Well what's funny about that I hear you ask.....well.........


Picture the image there is this CROW standing in the pay office, tapping this claw hammer in his hand or just swinging it around, handing over a note, saying follow the instructions inside.

The Sealed Note reads...

Give me all the money from the safe or I'll smash your face in with this hammer.


Lucky for us the pay master had a sense of humour.

 

[vestlenning]

Gym time. Some girls where trying to stand on their arms. Random guy: "Nice money boxes!". One of the girls: "I don't accept small coins!"

 

[widu13]

Back in the late 80's I was working on Rapier anti aircraft missiles. Due to the very nature of the job, life expectancy was short and the kit was definitely going to be targeted so the kit was moved often. The issue was that it has a crew of 5 and a sentry trench had to be dug, together with an admin trench, the tracking unit, generator and launcher all had to have trenches/hard cover. It was very hard work for the 2 of the crew not involved in setting up/stag who had to dig in- the launcher was a trailer about 5'x5' with an A frame so a large ramped hole was needed.

We deployed on Ex to Denmark and deployed into a farmer's field when said farmer passed in his JCB. He was stopped and a handbag of beer exchanged and he dug some MASSIVE trenches and hard cover in 15 mins flat. Feeling very smug we cracked open the beers as the farmer disappeared off home. Literally the moment he was gone from sight we got a Ready To Move Amber message (2 hrs notice). We then spent the next 2 hours trying like mad to fill in the holes, knowing full well that we were in deep do do if we didn't. My how we laughed as our hands bled and our clothes wet through with sweat!

 

[dewi]

This is probably one where you had to be there but...

Stood on parade, someone somewhere did something stupid or fidgeted and Colonel 'Crack' as he was known shouted out 'You! Yes, you! You in the beret!'

Nobody responded, nobody moved... and nobody was daft enough to point out that every man there was wearing a beret.

The same Colonel had the pleasure of witnessing me tick tock and his reponse was 'Are you French?'.

 

[kaiAnderson]

being in the 22nd Cheshires our NCOs favourite punishment was drop and give me 22, so anytime we were out in town (and being a soldier 23hrs 59mins of the day) if they saw us they would order us to drop and give them 22, whether it be pub, shop, street.
also on night maneuvers they would flash a torch right in your eye then ask how your night vision was.

 

[widu13]

Before the kevlar helmets were introduced in '86 we had WW2 style metal helmets, these had a suspension system inside called a "spider" which affixed to a metal point inside. During training we were cleaning our kit and were hastened outside in full field kit including helmets. One of the lads was called a bag of (insert suitable word) and smacked on the head. He went pale and a small trickle of blood ran down his forehead at which point the Sgt started flapping big time and also went very pale. We all erupted into laughter and we didn't get a hard time for the rest of the day. The poor lad had taken the spider out to clean the helmet and got bumped to form up outside and didn't have time to put the spider back in, so had the support spike stuck in his head!

Another one which sticks in my memory is playing space invaders with the Sgts. We formed into 3 ranks and sidestepped left to right, the front rank brought their arms out to the shoulder height and then back to the sides, the middle rank held their arms up at 90 degrees with their lower arms bent towards the floor alternating to pointing forwards and the rear rank held their arms up at 90 degrees with their lower arms bent towards the sky alternating to pointing forwards. Two people were nominated as "Flying saucers" and ran across the back of the rear rank.

The object of the game was to drop forward a pace once you had sidestepped to one side and if you reached to instructor you were allowed to dish out some retribution. The instructors however used large medicine balls (leather balls about twice the size of a basketball weighing 5kg) to "shoot" the approaching "space invaders". The Flying saucers were slightly better off as they were allowed to run but they were "shot" at with full Osprey water bottles which hurt a lot more if you got hit in the head!

Actually; we never won but it was always very funny, especially when the instructors got a flap on if we got close. It was banned about 6 months later as bullying- I can honestly say we thought it was hilarious.

 

[Stevie777]

these are good Keep em coming..