Who wants a laugh at my expense?!

[Wilderbeast]

So here's the story, I really wanted some new gear as mine is getting old and dirty however there's no way I coud afford to get decent stuff at full price. I play a good standard of village cricket but that's it, so sponsorship was completely out of the question.......or was it?

Lying awake one night I started formulating a joke sponsorship form in my head. I then wrote it out, added some home truths in the end and sent it off to loads of companies I admire not expecting any replies. Here's what I sent.

Dear "X" Cricket,

I am writing to you to apply for sponsorship from your cricket equipment company.

In return I can offer you many things. Sadly none of these things is nationwide television coverage of me scoring a century at Lords with your equipment (even Edgbaston would be pushing it if I’m honest). What you will receive is a polite, well groomed young man with absolutely no ungainly facial hair or tattoos (this can however be arranged if you wish), who will act as a proud and faithful ambassador to you. I also promise to do my upmost to stay at the crease for as long as possible in order to display your equipment to what I’m sure will be envious onlookers, on a rather fine clothes horse if I do say so myself. I’m also a dab hand at marketing and have several very successful techniques for promoting items which could include your cricket equipment. An example of this is a recording of an etherial, angelic like choir that I keep in my cricket bag, so that when a piece of equipment is removed from the bag the sound floods the dressing room. This has the effect of announcing to fellow team members that the equipment being used is sent from the Gods themselves, and all bearing your logo. Hey presto you have a publicity plan which, in my mind, is superior to that of excalibur. Or I could deploy more underhand tactics of using equipment by your rivals, damaging it in some way (for example the partial removal of a bat handle), then wait for it to break during a match whilst exclaiming “This would never have happened if I were using an "X" bat, I hear they’re the best. In the Universe.”

By now you will be asking why this well spoken, athletic and extraordinarily handsome young man (you’ll have to trust me) is wasting your precious time. Joking aside I am an impoverished student whose one true love is cricket. I truly relish returning home from University to play for my village side (on a Saturday and a Sunday in order to fulfill by cricketing addiction). My well loved equipment is however becoming tired and decrepit, and in between studying hard for my degree and fulfilling my obligations with the British Army who are sponsoring me through University and whom I will be joining on completion of my degree, I have not found the time or the funds to replace it. In reality I am not of course applying for sponsorship but am (extremely cheekily I’m aware) fishing for any discount, however small, on your fine equipment as I have long been an admirer of your fine brand.

If you’ve got this far, good on you...you’re a far better man/woman than I. That’s not a joke about transvestites.

Kind Regards,
....

I was offered part sponsorship by:

Shark Cricket

Choice Willow
&
Woodstock Cricket

Salix stated that they were "highly amused" but still asked me to fill out a sponsorship form. It looked long and boring so Instead I sent a message back that read

Would it not be enough just to tell you that I am a superb cricket player and a compulsive liar?

they were amused by this but again asked me to fill out a form, which I didn't because I knew I had nothing worthy to put on it and I had already chosen my favourite....

Highlights from the replies include:

For the sheer entertainment value of your request, which of course we expect you to carry out to the letter we would be happy to offer a reduced price sponsorship. My wife has also said she would need a photo to back up your claims!!

- John, Woodstock Cricket

+

Well what can i say, that's the best part spons CV that i have read

Gary, Choice Willow

I decided to go with Woodstock Cricket because I really liked John and he got my order to me in under 24 hours....here's some pictures of it:

 

[The Lord Poncho]

Good effort that man- well done!

Who Dares Wins, Rodney!

 

[calibanzwei]

Hahaha, result!

 

[Melonfish]

Dude... EPIC!
absolutely loving it and congrats on having the stones and the wit to get that lot

 

[Mesquite]

As dull as cricket is for a sport... that gave me a real good laugh.

Congrats on getting your sponsorship

 

[Shewie]

What a result, cheers for the giggle

 

[Toddy]

Gallus, but it worked nicely

Well done

cheers,
M

 

[Biker]

I tip me 'at to you guv'ner. Well done!

 

[decorum]

Nicely done

Bet you're a happy little hamster

 

[mrmike]

Well done that man...

Think I might try that one with swanndri...

 

[blacktimberwolf]

Nice one................................but now I've got an urge to lovingly rub in linseed oil onto that new bat........can't understand it

 

[shaggystu]

superb mate, well done

stuart

 

[Barn Owl]

Great stuff.

Don't ask then you won't get.

Well done.

 

[Retired Member southey]

FAAAAANTASTIC! very well done matey!:You_Rock_

 

[Peanut]

That was fantastic mate! And well done to those companies for playing along too.

A very ballsey move but it definitely paid off!

Now where can I use a similar letter to get discounted stuff.....

 

[Biker]

That was fantastic mate! And well done to those companies for playing along too.

A very ballsey move but it definitely paid off!

Now where can I use a similar letter to get discounted stuff.....

Wonder if your letter will begin with the words "Dear Mr Mears, I've long admired that knife/axe/rucksack/hat of yours and wondered..."

I'm a firm believer in "Don't ask, don't get."

 

[morch]

Shy bairns get nowt, thanks for sharing bud

Dave

 

[Peanut]

Biker, the thought had crossed my mind haha.

I've decided to do two letters; one to Mr. Mears in the same style as the letter above, and another one to Mr. Grylls, saying "I've been observing your branded survival products and survival shows for some time, and as an avid adventurer myself, I was wondering... the next time I'm in the wilderness, could your film crew come and cook me dinner too please?"

 

[Paul_B]

What a great idea that paid off. Now who should I write to???

MLD
Terra Nova - well I ain't going to afford an ultra tent without a pretty hefty discount.
Golite
granite gear
Gossamer gear
trail designs - ti-tri stove with sidewinder is sooo nice but sooo expensive
I wonder if Explore Worldwide would sponsor me to test out some of there trekking holidays in the name of quality control. I get 25 days holidays a year and can totally devote it to improving the quality of Explore worldwide's trips. kathmandu trekking or indeed any of the big names in trekking holidays could have my services if needed.

Seriously though I'm glad it worked for you. Just one thing I worry about... and that is why does John from Woodstock Cricket's wife want a picture of you really? could it be down to the image of a young man soon to be in uniform being of interest to her for some reason??

 

[Biker]

Biker, the thought had crossed my mind haha.

I've decided to do two letters; one to Mr. Mears in the same style as the letter above, and another one to Mr. Grylls, saying "I've been observing your branded survival products and survival shows for some time, and as an avid adventurer myself, I was wondering... the next time I'm in the wilderness, could your film crew come and cook me dinner too please?"

Now that's classy!

How about: "Dear Mr Grylls, even if I ask nicely, (or even beg) would you NOT send me any of your endorsed products. As any association with your name is sure to get me laughed out of the circle around the camp fire. Thanks in advance. Hope you understand."

Reverse psychology might work if the same letter were addressed to Mr Mears.

Baiting TV celerbrities might become a new hobby