Smile, it's Monday

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steve a

Settler
Oct 2, 2003
811
4
south bedfordshire
Hope this makes you smile...
EVER WONDER where we are headed...

Why the sun lightens our hair,
but darkens our skin?

Why women can't put on mascara
with their mouth closed?

Why you don't ever see the headline:
"Psychic Wins Lottery"?

Why "abbreviated" is such a long word?

Why Doctors call what they do "practice"?

Why you have to click on "Start"
to stop Windows 98?



Why lemon juice is made with artificial flavor, while dishwashing liquid is made with real lemons?

Why the man who invests all your money is called a “Broker”?

Why there isn't mouse flavored cat food?

Who tastes dog food when it has a
"new & improved" flavor?

Why Noah didn't swat those two mosquitoes?

Why they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?



Why they don't make the whole plane out of the material used for the indestructible black box?

Why sheep don't shrink when it rains?

Why they are called apartments when
they are all stuck together?

If con is the opposite of pro,
is Congress the opposite of progress?

Why they call the airport "the terminal"
if flying is so safe?

AND...



In case you need further proof that the human race is doomed because of stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.

On a Myer hairdryer:
“Do not use while sleeping”.
(Darn, and that's the only time I have to work on my hair).

On a bag of Chips:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
(The shoplifter special?)

On a bar of Palmolive soap:
“Directions: Use like regular soap”.
(And that would be how???)



On some frozen dinners:
"Serving suggestion: Defrost”.
(But, it's just a suggestion).

On Nanna's Tiramisu dessert
(printed on bottom):
"Do not turn upside down”.
(Well...duh, a bit late, huh)!

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
"Product will be hot after heating”.
(And you thought????...)

On packaging for a K-Mart iron:
"Do not iron clothes on body”.
(But wouldn't this save me more time?)




On Boot's Children Cough Medicine:
"Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication”.
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5 year olds with head colds off those forklifts.)

On Nytol Sleep Aid:
"Warning: May cause drowsiness”.
(And...I'm taking this because???)

On most brands of Christmas lights:
"For indoor or outdoor use only”.
(As opposed to...what?)

On a Japanese food processor:
"Not to be used for the other use”.
(Now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)

On Nobby's peanuts:
"Warning: contains nuts”.
(Talk about a news flash!)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
"Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts”.
(Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?)

I don't blame the company; I blame the parents for this one:
On a child's superman costume:
"Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly”.

On a Swedish chainsaw:
"Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals”.
(Was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)
 

jakunen

Native
How about the one on I think its Compaq computers, printed on the inside of the box that says:
"Allow carton to stand for 24 hours at room temperature before opening..."

Or the warning on a set of Japense chef's knives that goes along the lines of:
"Warning - blades are sharp. May cause injury. Not recommended to stabbing children".
 

C_Claycomb

Mod
Mod
Oct 6, 2003
5,590
661
Bedfordshire
Someone, somewhere, has met Rinkworks.com :eek:):

One of my personal favorite Monday reads :roll:


WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?

PAT BUCHANAN
To steal a job from a decent, hardworking American.

JERRY FALWELL
Because the chicken was gay! Isn't it obvious? Can't you people see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the "other side." That's what "they" call it the "other side." Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And, if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrase like "the other side." That chicken should not be free to cross the road. It's as plain and simple as that.

DR. SEUSS
Did the chicken cross the road?
Did he cross it with a toad?
Yes! The chicken crossed the road,
but why it crossed, I've not been told!

ERNEST HEMINGWAY
To die. In the rain.

MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.
I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.

GRANDPA
In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.

ARISTOTLE
It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

KARL MARX
It was a historical inevitability.

SADDAM HUSSEIN
This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.

RONALD REAGAN
What chicken?

CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK
To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.

FOX MULDER
You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross before you believe it?

FREUD
The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

BILL GATES
I have just released eChicken 2000, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook and Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of eChicken.

EINSTEIN
Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken?

BILL CLINTON
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by “chicken”? Could you define "chicken" please?

GEORGE W. BUSH
I don't think I should have to answer that question.

LOUIS FARRAKHAN
The road, you will see, represents the black man. The chicken crossed the "black man" in order to trample him and keep him down.

THE BIBLE
And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, And there was
much rejoicing.

COLONEL SANDERS
I missed one?
 

RovingArcher

Need to contact Admin...
Jun 27, 2004
1,069
1
Monterey Peninsula, Ca., USA
Comedic:shock:syndrome

See chicken wife put out to thaw :yikes:

After first cup of coffee :cry:

During the Today show :roll:

After 2nd cup of java :)

Reread thread :lol:

Read note that says "Hi honey, go ahead and order that knife you want". :naughty: :eek:):
 

Hogan

New Member
Jun 10, 2004
53
0
63
Scotland
In case you need further proof that the human race is doomed because of stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.

On a Myer hairdryer:
“Do not use while sleeping”.
(Darn, and that's the only time I have to work on my hair).
My Black & Decker paint stripper came with the instructions "Do not use as a hair dryer" :flamer:
 

JakeR

Bushcrafter (boy, I've got a lot to say!)
Jan 18, 2004
2,290
3
33
Cardiff
:rolmao:

RovingArcher said:
Yep

Roses on the way.
Bushwackers right, it has to be Ivory micarta, or Antique ivory micarta ;). Or are they the same.
 

RovingArcher

Need to contact Admin...
Jun 27, 2004
1,069
1
Monterey Peninsula, Ca., USA
They are the same I think. I've looked high and low and emailed every vendor I saw that carried Mikes knives and no luck. :shock: Still waiting on one vendor to contact me, but it might mean ordering one and danged I'm impatient. But, I guess if I can wait 6 months for a bow, I can wait some for a knife. :roll: :cry:
 

C_Claycomb

Mod
Mod
Oct 6, 2003
5,590
661
Bedfordshire
I realise that it is no longer Monday, but we are all still at work, so are in need of some light humour.

Lets not discuss the knife anymore. Its cool, but it doesn't make the working day feel better knowing someone else is getting a new toy! :nana: :lol:

I am a huge fan of http://www.rinkworks.com/said/ and http://www.rinkworks.com/stupid/

There is enough in there to keep you laughing all month :biggthump

"Do not use for drying pets." -- In the manual for a microwave oven.

"For use on animals only." -- On an electric cattle prod.

"For use by trained personnel only." -- On a can of air freshener.
 

jamesdevine

Settler
Dec 22, 2003
823
0
44
Skerries, Co. Dublin
I am smile thanks to Chris who just PM'd some the highlights of the site Thanks. Again I am getting funny looks it's bad enough they think I'm weird for having a SAK in my pocket and wear my M65 jacket to work.

I am not a number I have a name.

Also no evening college tonight which is an added bonus so all in all it's a Happy Tuesday.

Happy Tuesday Everyone :wave:

James