Insults. But with some class...

[bearbait]

These insults are from an era before the English language got boiled down to 4-letter words. Insults then, had some class!

1. "I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; Bring a friend, if you have one." George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill.
"Cannot possibly attend first night, I will attend the second...If there is one." - Winston Churchill, in response.

2. A member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the gallows, or of some unspeakable disease."
"That depends, Sir," said Disraeli, "whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."

3. "He had delusions of adequacy." - Walter Kerr

4. "I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." - Clarence Darrow

5. "He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." - William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway).

6. "Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it." - Moses Hadas

7. "I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." - Mark Twain

8. "He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends." - Oscar Wilde

9. "I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here." - Stephen Bishop

10. "He is a self-made man and worships his creator." - John Bright

11. "I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." - Irvin S. Cobb

12. "He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others." - Samuel Johnson

13. "He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." - Paul Keating

14. "In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily." - Charles, Count Talleyrand

15. "He loves nature in spite of what it did to him." - Forrest Tucker

16. "Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?" - Mark Twain

17. "His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." - Mae West

18. "Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go." - Oscar Wilde

19. "He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts...For support rather than illumination." - Andrew Lang (1844-1912)

20. "He has Van Gogh's ear for music." - Billy Wilder

21. "I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." - Groucho Marx.

22. "He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." - Winston Churchill

 

[Paul_B]

I hope to use number 18 at work. There's someone who fits it perfectly!

There's possibly a similar thread to be had about gravestone quotes. I'm thinking about Spike Milligans

 

[Scottieoutdoors]

There is the other one which has been floating around, but also attributed to Churchill:
"If I were your wife I'd poison your tea"
"If I were your husband, I'd drink it!"

 

[gra_farmer]

 

[Wander]

I disagree that foul language shows lack of imagination.
I bet we have all spent an evening in the pub laughing hysterically at some creative effing and jeffing. It's a skill the British are particularly gifted at.
I'd love to give some examples, but I'm sure site administrators would rather I didn't.
Yes, I love a good insult in general. But presence or absence of blue language is irrelevant.
Studies often show that people who are well educated are also good at using foul language creatively. Here's a couple of reports:

Intelligent people are more likely to swear, study shows

Intelligent people are more likely to swear, a study has found.

www.independent.co.uk

Swearing Is Actually a Sign of More Intelligence - Not Less - Say Scientists

The use of obscene or taboo language - or swearing, as it’s more commonly known - is often seen as a sign that the speaker lacks vocabulary, cannot express themselves in a less offensive way, or even lacks intelligence.

www.sciencealert.com

And if you don't like it then you can shove it right up your...

 

[crosslandkelly]

"He has no enemies, but his friends dislike him intensely".
Oscar Wilde.

 

[Paul_B]

I disagree that foul language shows lack of imagination.
I bet we have all spent an evening in the pub laughing hysterically at some creative effing and jeffing. It's a skill the British are particularly gifted at.
I'd love to give some examples, but I'm sure site administrators would rather I didn't.
Yes, I love a good insult in general. But presence or absence of blue language is irrelevant.
Studies often show that people who are well educated are also good at using foul language creatively. Here's a couple of reports:

Intelligent people are more likely to swear, study shows

Intelligent people are more likely to swear, a study has found.

www.independent.co.uk

Swearing Is Actually a Sign of More Intelligence - Not Less - Say Scientists

The use of obscene or taboo language - or swearing, as it’s more commonly known - is often seen as a sign that the speaker lacks vocabulary, cannot express themselves in a less offensive way, or even lacks intelligence.

www.sciencealert.com

And if you don't like it then you can shove it right up your...

There was a guy at my old place of work with a real talent for swearing. Where he could fit an eff or two was to be heard to be believed! The word eff fits into every sentence occasionally several times! He was of very very low intelligence. Some ppl can't read, write and do basic maths because they left school without learning but have that ability to learn later in life. He was not that lucky but he was a good worker. Unfortunately heroin took hold of him despite 4 successful attempts at going clean.

A dataset of one I know but the intelligent only eff and Jeff when appropriate and limited occasions to give impact I reckon. Lower intelligence probably doesn't have that distinction.

 

[Scottieoutdoors]

@Paul_B I'd agree with that.

Oddly I wish I didn't swear. I didn't used to as a kid, but actually got bullied/physically hit by an older lad on the school bus over and over because he wanted me to swear and wouldn't stop until I swore at him. In retrospect I shouldn't have taken the easy route, I should have just taken a swing at him instead, but alas, I didn't...

The problem for me is that it comes out when I'm angry or if there is an argument and I hate myself for resorting to it. Maybe I need a reverse bushcraft swear jar... I could put some money in it and deduct money for every swear word.

 

[bearbait]

I believe that, if you don't swear regularly, when you do so your friends and / or family realise that you are making a serious point and "notice will be taken"! So reticence can be effective.

I had a good friend many decades ago, and I think that I only heard her swear twice in all the years I knew her. And when she did it worked very well: she was grumpy!

 

[Disabled Preppers]

Well swearing has nothing to do with class , give a rich eton lad a hammer and let him hit is thumb with it as he misses the nail yup i beat the words that come out are the same as the rest of us .
A true story for you to ponder over , we as teens use to hang out in London and one night were at the Palace and looking at the guards and the police and throwing wrappers to try and hit the red sensor beam lol yup , well one cop came out and we had a nice chat along the lines of , we heard that the guards don't have bullets in their guns so if we climb over they could not shoot us and the cop said well i would not test that out if i was you , so we all laughed and said ah so they are loaded , he just smiled and said best not find out , the next chat was about Her Maj if i may be so familier , we said i beat she just sits round doing nothing it must be boring what if she wanted a cuppa in the middle of the night i beat she rings her bell and gets some poor sod out of bed , he did laugh and say look do not repeat this but she has been known to wander round at night and make a cuppa or some toast , we said no way he then laughed and said she does also swear when the corgi nips her or a horse plays up so she is human like us all was the last line he said before saying night i got ot go walk the fence .

Yup so i guess she was the last good one

 

[John Fenna]

I no longer smoke or use any nicotine on a regular/habit basis. I lost half my body weight to avoid having to have two new knees and two new hips. I drink in moderation although I love the taste and effect of whisky/beer/wine. I have never done drugs. I am old and cannot do all the things I used to really enjoy.
Of course I f******** swear!

 

[Broch]

Strangely, I only swear to myself (well Bl**dy's not swearing is it?) If I ever swear in public, take cover because it means a volcano is going to blow!

I have been a farm labourer, worked on a factory machine shop floor, been on exercise with squaddies on numerous occasions, played rugby for years at a decent level, and never found the necessity to swear - maybe I'm just too stupid

 

[ONE]

One of the best I've ever heard "Son, you look like an extra from Hollyoaks". You might have had to be there.

 

[Disabled Preppers]

wow worked on a farm , not a pig farm then when some idiot opens the door to the piglet area and 20 or 30 piglets fly out of the safe area that is away fro mthe mothers rolling on them piglets sqeezng between legs and squealing as they go lol you spend best part of the day trying to catch them up lol .
The rugby bit i only messed with as a teen as my mates mums boyfriend was a teacher and use to make use train when we stayed there omg after 5 mile run then squats on a wooden bench in the park and well you can hear the words whats this B going to do to us next time lol .
I will say you must have worked with better people than me because i always got the idiot that did stupid stuff that use to boil my P so to speak .

 

[TeeDee]

I still quite favour my " Was yours a difficult birth ? "

 

[Broch]

"Ah, nice to meet a graduate from the school of whit and repartee"

Usually said after someone has been unnecessarily foul mouthed in mixed company

 

[Wander]

Heard at a previous place of work about a colleague who never did much:

'He's like Thunderbird 2: gets here before everyone else but does f... all.'

 

[Scottieoutdoors]

As above, I do swear, I just wish I didn't, purely because sometimes it can come more naturally than company would prefer, so I do my best to stem it.

I think if it this way, if you swear in company, or in public, they'll either not bat an eyelid, or they'll find it uncomfortable....if you don't swear in company/public, there isn't a reaction... so you've not made anyone awkward or uncomfortable.

 

[Mesquite]

When I worked in probation one of the offenders was complaining to his officer she was being strict.

He ended up with 'You're just like my mother!' to which she immediately responded with 'Do I look like a test tube?'

 

[Scottieoutdoors]

Not sure about the class aspect, but I quite like the "you're as useful as a hemorrhoid and your presence is just as painful" one...

Bill Bailey had a great line, he was referring to modern celebrities being thick and how we catch passive stupid off them etc, he used the line "they're incretinating us with their moronic blatherings"... I seem to use variations of that quite often...