This is an actual letter from an Austin woman sent to American company Proctor and Gamble regarding their feminine products. She really gets rolling after the first paragraph. It's PC Magazine's 2007 editors' choice for best webmail-award-winning letter.
Dear Mr. Thatcher,
I have been a loyal user of your 'Always' maxi
pads for over 20 years and I appreciate many of
their features. Why, without the Leak Guard Core
or Dri-Weave absorbency, I'd probably never go
horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I'd certainly
steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight,
white shorts. But my favorite feature has to be your
revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the
only company smart enough to realize how crucial
it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can't tell you
how safe and secure I feel each month knowing
there's a little F-16 in my pants.
Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher?
Ever suffered from the 'curse'? I'm guessing
you haven't. Well, my time of the month is starting
right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal
forces violently surging through my body. Just a few
minutes from now, my body will adjust and I'll be
transformed into what my husband likes to
call 'an inbred hillbilly with knife skills.' Isn't the
human body amazing?
As Brand Manager in the Feminine-Hygiene
Division, you've no doubt seen quite a bit of
research on what exactly happens during your
customer's monthly visits from 'Aunt Flo'.
Therefore, you must know about the bloating,
puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about
our intense mood swings, crying jags,
and out-o f-control behavior. You surely realize
it's a tough time for most women. In fact, only
last week, my friend Jennifer fought the violent
urge to shove her boyfriend's testicles into a
George Foreman Grill just because he told her
he thought Grey's Anatomy was written by
drunken chimps. Crazy!
The point is, sir, you of all people
must realize that America is just crawling
with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants...
Which brings me to the reason for my letter.
Last month, while in the throes of cramping
so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and
yank out my uterus, I opened an Always
maxi-pad, and there, printed on the adhesive
backing, were these words: 'Have a Happy Period.'
Are you f------ kidding me? What I
mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager
brain really think happiness - actual smiling,
laughing happiness, is possible during a
menstrual period? Did anything mentioned
above sound the least bit pleasurable?
Well, did it, James? FYI, unless you're some
kind of sick S&M freak, there will never be
anything 'happy' about a day in which
you have to jack yourself up on Motrin
and Kahlua and lock yourself in your house
just so you don't march down to the local
Walgreen's armed with a hunting rifle and a
sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory.
For the love of God, pull your head out, man!
If you have to slap a moronic message on a
maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say
something that's actually pertinent,
like 'Put down the Hammer' or
'Vehicular Manslaughter is Wrong', or are
you just picking on us?
Sir, please inform your Accounting
Department that, effective immediately,
there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits,
for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business
elsewhere. And though I will certainly
miss your Flex-Wings, I will not for one minute
miss your brand of condescending bull****e.
And that's a promise I will keep.
Always. . .
Best,
Wendi
Dear Mr. Thatcher,
I have been a loyal user of your 'Always' maxi
pads for over 20 years and I appreciate many of
their features. Why, without the Leak Guard Core
or Dri-Weave absorbency, I'd probably never go
horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I'd certainly
steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight,
white shorts. But my favorite feature has to be your
revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the
only company smart enough to realize how crucial
it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can't tell you
how safe and secure I feel each month knowing
there's a little F-16 in my pants.
Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher?
Ever suffered from the 'curse'? I'm guessing
you haven't. Well, my time of the month is starting
right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal
forces violently surging through my body. Just a few
minutes from now, my body will adjust and I'll be
transformed into what my husband likes to
call 'an inbred hillbilly with knife skills.' Isn't the
human body amazing?
As Brand Manager in the Feminine-Hygiene
Division, you've no doubt seen quite a bit of
research on what exactly happens during your
customer's monthly visits from 'Aunt Flo'.
Therefore, you must know about the bloating,
puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about
our intense mood swings, crying jags,
and out-o f-control behavior. You surely realize
it's a tough time for most women. In fact, only
last week, my friend Jennifer fought the violent
urge to shove her boyfriend's testicles into a
George Foreman Grill just because he told her
he thought Grey's Anatomy was written by
drunken chimps. Crazy!
The point is, sir, you of all people
must realize that America is just crawling
with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants...
Which brings me to the reason for my letter.
Last month, while in the throes of cramping
so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and
yank out my uterus, I opened an Always
maxi-pad, and there, printed on the adhesive
backing, were these words: 'Have a Happy Period.'
Are you f------ kidding me? What I
mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager
brain really think happiness - actual smiling,
laughing happiness, is possible during a
menstrual period? Did anything mentioned
above sound the least bit pleasurable?
Well, did it, James? FYI, unless you're some
kind of sick S&M freak, there will never be
anything 'happy' about a day in which
you have to jack yourself up on Motrin
and Kahlua and lock yourself in your house
just so you don't march down to the local
Walgreen's armed with a hunting rifle and a
sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory.
For the love of God, pull your head out, man!
If you have to slap a moronic message on a
maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say
something that's actually pertinent,
like 'Put down the Hammer' or
'Vehicular Manslaughter is Wrong', or are
you just picking on us?
Sir, please inform your Accounting
Department that, effective immediately,
there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits,
for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business
elsewhere. And though I will certainly
miss your Flex-Wings, I will not for one minute
miss your brand of condescending bull****e.
And that's a promise I will keep.
Always. . .
Best,
Wendi
