Does anyone else not know how to ask for help?

[Scottieoutdoors]

Firstly, I'm alright, not going to do anything silly, not in pits of despair or misery, but recently I've realised I'm probably not as "fine" as I tell everyone and myself... I've always been fine, taken my moments to 'have a moment', then back to it.

Problem I'm now finding is that I'm not actually sure what I am..
With work I know I've entered into some robotic stage whereby I do what I need to do to the best of my abilities and I do it well, but it's purely doing the task at hand, there is no positive emotions behind it... or very rarely there is. It's not overly impacting anything... but I think in life I've realised that I've always been fine and have never felt capable of asking for help. I was always the kind of kid/person to dust myself off and keep moving forward... No matter what knocked me back, it was my problem, my cross to bear...

I've read tons of stuff about people who asked for help etc etc, and I've always thought thats such a great thing and I'm so happy for them, but never realised that I wouldn't know how to ask if I need to because of my above mindset...

Anyway, Weds evening musings...

 

[TeeDee]

"Problem I'm now finding is that I'm not actually sure what I am.."

WHO you are.... You are a Soul , not a thing. Its allowed to lose ourselves and refind ourselves occasionally. Its the Human experience.

 

[Chris]

Firstly, I'm alright, not going to do anything silly, not in pits of despair or misery, but recently I've realised I'm probably not as "fine" as I tell everyone and myself... I've always been fine, taken my moments to 'have a moment', then back to it.

Problem I'm now finding is that I'm not actually sure what I am..
With work I know I've entered into some robotic stage whereby I do what I need to do to the best of my abilities and I do it well, but it's purely doing the task at hand, there is no positive emotions behind it... or very rarely there is. It's not overly impacting anything... but I think in life I've realised that I've always been fine and have never felt capable of asking for help. I was always the kind of kid/person to dust myself off and keep moving forward... No matter what knocked me back, it was my problem, my cross to bear...

I've read tons of stuff about people who asked for help etc etc, and I've always thought thats such a great thing and I'm so happy for them, but never realised that I wouldn't know how to ask if I need to because of my above mindset...

Anyway, Weds evening musings...

It's easy to jump to diagnoses and things so I don't want you to think I'm trying to do that, but 'not feeling emotions' can be a symptom of stress or depression. The NHS has a tool available to answer some questions that might help you find out if you're displaying symptoms of anxiety or depression: https://checkwellbeing.leadershipac...lbeing/psychological-wellbeing-checker/#gf_21

I was lucky enough to have some talking therapy (CBT) available through work, and I found that really helpful twice in my life.

I've also gone to my GP before and said "I am struggling and here is why" and then talked them through why I thought I was struggling. They were happy to listen and not judge. They're actually trained to ask some more probing questions if you just say to them "I think I might need some help", so you don't even need to go with much prepared.

You can refer yourself for NHS talking therapies as well without having to see a GP: https://www.nhs.uk/nhs-services/men...talking-therapies-for-anxiety-and-depression/

All that said, even if you're not too sure 'what is up', just chatting to someone won't do any harm and worst case scenario you walk away in the same position you're already in, so nothing lost. Not everything is anxiety or depression, sometimes we have ups and downs and just learning strategies that help us deal with those can be helpful. That's one of the things I found most useful about CBT, think of it as just adding some tools to your toolbelt when it comes to dealing with 'life'.

Your brain's an important organ, so asking for help if you think it's struggling a bit is absolutely the right thing to do. Best of luck, feel free to drop me a message if there's anything you'd like me to expand on.

 

[demented dale]

If

Firstly, I'm alright, not going to do anything silly, not in pits of despair or misery, but recently I've realised I'm probably not as "fine" as I tell everyone and myself... I've always been fine, taken my moments to 'have a moment', then back to it.

Problem I'm now finding is that I'm not actually sure what I am..
With work I know I've entered into some robotic stage whereby I do what I need to do to the best of my abilities and I do it well, but it's purely doing the task at hand, there is no positive emotions behind it... or very rarely there is. It's not overly impacting anything... but I think in life I've realised that I've always been fine and have never felt capable of asking for help. I was always the kind of kid/person to dust myself off and keep moving forward... No matter what knocked me back, it was my problem, my cross to bear...

I've read tons of stuff about people who asked for help etc etc, and I've always thought thats such a great thing and I'm so happy for them, but never realised that I wouldn't know how to ask if I need to because of my above mindset...

Anyway, Weds evening musings...

if you want you can inbox me. I identify with everything you said and now I practice solutions and asking for help has become second nature. you are not alone with it. Thanks for reaching out. ps I can give you my number aswell . dd x

 

[Silverclaws2]

Men invariably have a problem in asking for help through being conditioned not to, to when they really need to, to through various can't find the way to, and one particularly pernicious; a variety of impostor syndrome in that they feel unworthy of asking for help through, guess what; being conditioned to not ask for help.

I am one that has broken through the above experience of which I was in for years to now be in receipt of help.

 

[Silverclaws2]

If it helps any, one can self refer to NHS Talking Therapies, in addition to both BACP and UKCP private therapists and if you're ex military, there is this crowd

 

[TeeDee]

I've read tons of stuff about people who asked for help etc etc, and I've always thought thats such a great thing and I'm so happy for them, but never realised that I wouldn't know how to ask if I need to because of my above mindset...

Anyway, Weds evening musings...

So taking you on your word that you are mostly ok - I think most of us live within this bracket of life- " I'm mostly ok " ( Not saying that is optimal - we are made for more , joy , happiness, fulfilment, connection etc than to merely exist for existence sake )
- Constant life grind can rob us of some of our mojo , so let assume its not medical ( not saying its not but lets think about other things )

I think mostly Men ( not all Men and not just Men , but more Male than Female - lets call it the strong benevolent male mind ) can either be socially conditioned ( and lean into it for various reasons to an extreme ) or choose to lean into it themselves via experiences and decisions made.

I'm not saying that is either overly unhealthy/or healthy -it depends on the outcome and how it affects us.
" Damn I'm lost !! , I could stop and ask a local for directions.... but..... No "


I've read tons of stuff about people who asked for help etc etc, and I've always thought thats such a great thing and I'm so happy for them, but never realised that I wouldn't know how to ask if I need to because of my above mindset...

Can I ask as this seems a very specific question - What is is you want to be able to ask help with? Is it specific of more a feeling of feeling just unable too do so?

I think its interesting that , and you need to see it , you've managed to ask for a type of help here - which I think is massive if you find the concept a difficult one.


Would love to hear your feedback and answers - here or privately- not because I wish to delve ,more that I want to help and can recognise what you are talking about.

#EDIT - Do people at work ask YOU for your help? How do you feel about that? in regards to helping and them asking?


Take care.

 

[Lean'n'mean]

Ask for help ? Hell no. I can't even ask for directions when I'm lost. I grew up in an environment where displaying or even having any kind of emotion, was considered a weakness. Problem is, when you get older you realise that strong silent type isn't as strong as he once was & emotional traumas come thick & fast & you have no idea how to handle the overwhelming emotion. I generally just absorb these traumas, bury them deep inside & let time break them down into sizeable chunks rationality can deal with.
I broke down last november in front of someone for the first time in my adult life, after my wife was diagnosed with Leukemia. I nearly lost her but to me that's no excuse..... I still feel ashamed for not keeping it together, even though it was just 90 seconds of crying.
I know it isn't healthy but I cannot escape my conditioning, so I just have to continue the only way I know how & no matter how hard things may get, no matter how far I am out of my depth...I will never ask for help.

 

[TeeDee]

If you believe in such things ( which maybe redundant as they still may 'fit' ) as Male Archetypes , you may want to have a sniff around What characteristics and traits are within the Sigma grouping and how Sigmas are created or evolved.

 

[Pattree]

Those of us whose childhood followed WW2 grew up in a culture whereby you didn’t talk about your troubles. Most of our parents had been in the armed forces or war effort. I was told to “be a man” or even “be a soldier.”
(Also I have worked for two ex WW2 RSM’s both of them seemed ill adapted for civilian life - they seemed bewildered masked by an over-authoritative anger)

I sincerely hope that soldiers are better treated now and that someone actively follows up on their retirement/discharge.

In my first aid training, I was taught to double the pain index stated by those who might be boomers ( DoB 1945 - 55)
I had no thought that when I injured my leg that they would do the same for me.

It isn’t just soldiers, ( I have never been one.) I have recently lost a dear friend to stubbornness. He fell and was unable to rise but absolutely refused to seek treatment. Even when his son called 101 at his bedside: he refused to talk to them. By the time the blood clot was diagnosed he was left with the choice of major amputation or palliative care. He chose the latter and died of gangrene.

Brought up in that old militaristic culture we find it incredibly difficult to ask for help.
Please look out for us.

Edited to add:
We won’t thank you but we need you.

 

[TeeDee]

Also - don't underestimate carthartic exercise

 

[Chris]

and that someone actively follows up on their retirement/discharge.

Unfortunately it’s just charities that this falls to. Government doesn’t care once you’re no longer their legal liability.

 

[Silverclaws2]

I sincerely hope that soldiers are better treated now and that someone actively follows up on their retirement/discharge.

Well ideally they should be since the Armed Forces Covenant Duty came into force in 2022 and yes folk like me do like to make folks aware just in case there is a suffering Vet abound. For I knows what it's like when civvy mental health services doesn't understand.

I'll say again, am a might impressed with Op Courage Programme.

 

[Man of Tanith]

I'm commenting now to remind myself to come back to this later on.
The short answer is Yes I did, now I don't.
The longer answer will be posted later.

One thing I will mention now is social prescribing through the NHS is worth looking at of you're feeling "meh"

 

[Lean'n'mean]

I sincerely hope that soldiers are better treated now and that someone actively follows up on their retirement/discharge.

Judging by the number of homeless veterans, many suffering from PTSD, it would appear they're on their own once they leave the armed services. There must be help out there of some kind, charities & such but it probably isn't enough to solve real problems. No one in government, local or national, really cares about the homeless anyway, other than to use them as pawns by those who divide society with culture war politics.

 

[Silverclaws2]

Judging by the number of homeless veterans, many suffering from PTSD

'Lest we forget '

 

[TeeDee]

Feel this thread may have taken a wrong turn on the track and is heading full steam to Chattanooga, now. Lets pull that emergency break.

Back to the OP "Do people find it difficult to ask for Help. ?? "

Me - Yes , I do - I suspect I feel it is seen to be a weakness in my character or my ability.

 

[Chris]

Feel this thread may have taken a wrong turn on the track and is heading full steam to Chattanooga, now. Lets pull that emergency break.

Back to the OP "Do people find it difficult to ask for Help. ?? "

Me - Yes , I do - I suspect I feel it is seen to be a weakness in my character or my ability.

The way I see it is that if asking for help means I am able to feel better/solve a problem/be stronger for those I love, then it by definition makes me stronger. What other people think about that is a reflection on them rather than on me.

 

[TeeDee]

The way I see it is that if asking for help means I am able to feel better/solve a problem/be stronger for those I love, then it by definition makes me stronger. What other people think about that is a reflection on them rather than on me.

I get what you are saying. I'm not denying it doesn't make sense.
I feel I "judge" myself as much as anyone else may "judge" me.
I'm not sure where that comes from and I'm not convinced its entirely unhealthy or healthy - its just different.

Its possibly a long the lines of ' Give a man a fish and he now has a fish , he doesn't know how you came by the fish or what was involved in way in which you get that fish, but he has fish and he is happy he has a fish "

Vs

Give a man a fishing rod and let him get frustrated until he learns and has mastery of fishing - then he can give fish to others.


( Maybe a bit of a reach )


Why do men ( at least its the cliche ) avoid asking for directions even when lost? avoid reading the instructions to flat pack furniture even when they are present or other examples? Pride??

 

[gibson 175]

Hi Scottie. If you ever need help I would advise a quick chat with your GP. That's the simplest,easiest and best.