I am happy to hear from you again as well my friend. The thing is I haven't been fully honest. If I haven't mentioned before, I am autistic (mid to high functioning). My mum lost her life to D.V (domestic violence) and I barely escaped with mine. Due to years and years of abuse, I have been diagnosed with PTSD. To which prevent me from being able to work in America due to trauma. I have no future, no happiness and every day I pray to God for death. Not also including my only friend was murdered, I witnessed a mass shooting and so much more. Long story short I am terrified to go back to America and staying there will 110% be the death of me.
I finally found a company to rent to me in London for 6 months at a time which gives me a lease, utilities, etc. I just need to be gone 24 hours, come back in, and then start my new lease. I received a loan enough money to survive for maybe 2 years but once that dries up I am screwed. So in the meantime I am trying to become legal so I can work and get the mental help I need. I am talking to universities in Scotland, trying to get my visa and so forth. But if this fails, I need a plan B.
If I can't, I'd rather spend my final days trying to survive in Scotland than go back to the states. I know I may become a statistic but we all have to go one day so why not take control of my own living every second as my last. I am sorry for all who are offended by this but when you have had a bad life like mine (God forbid if not worse) I hope you can understand my views.
Like I said, this may offend some and I am sorry but as my abuser always said...I am r*tarded. I am a very intelligent young man but that doesn't change the fact that I am mentally different and broken. I cannot survive nor live in America another day. I have no family, no friends and in my own religious beliefs, immigration is a worldly law and does not stand above God (I am catholic). I will never return to America. This nation is my happy place. I feel safe (unlike america). I feel close to my ancestral roots. And above all else, I never knew happiness like this could exist.
I am doing my best to follow the law and do things right and I don't want to go this route but if I run out of options and there is no choice, without regret, I will become a statistic living every second as my last until my mother and I are reunited. It's not my goal to become a statistic but I rather risk it than return to the states. I know many people will advise me differently but I ask of you to advise me as my mind is set and gaining experience through classes, proper equipment, etc. as it would be my only hope and final option.
Thank you all for your kind words and help. May God be with you all and may you never feel the pain I do or the urge to live rurally to survive. I wouldn't wish this upon anyone. I have truly enjoyed my time here. If I do become a statistic, I am sorry for any trouble I may have caused. I just want to be happy and Scotland is where I find that. Regardless of my ancestral roots, I love this land. I love this nation. I love the politics, the history, the people, the ancient language (yes I know it's only spoken by 1%) and so much more.
When you have no friends or family, you live in isolation, you are absolutely broken every day since you were a child, never felt love your entire life, and seek only peace even if it means being your final days, you would understand what I mean. Not many will agree or understand what I mean but I don't expect anyone to. I will not be 50 years old and still trying to follow the legal system stuck in a place I don't want to be. I am sorry.
Sooner or later I am sure I will become a statistic as no one who goes to live rurally (or even unwillingly homeless) lives to be elderly. So I am sorry for any trouble I may have caused. I just want to be happy before I leave this world and Scotland is where I find that. Regardless of my ancestral roots, I love this land. I love this nation. I love the politics, the history, the people, the ancient language (yes I know it's only spoken by 1%) and so much more.
To conclude, right now, I am a step closer to my goal of staying in Scotland as I am currently legal but that will change in the next year or so if I don't get my student visa. I just want safety and happiness. In 1 - 2 years I pray it doesn't come to this but if it does, I will go out with my boots on doing what I love, where I love. I plan on in the meantime getting all the experience and training I need. We all deserve happiness, safety and love no matter or difference. I am sorry for all who I have offended.
Thank you all for your kind words and help. May God be with you all and may you never feel the pain I do or the urge to live rurally to survive. I wouldn't wish this upon anyone. I have truly enjoyed my time here.