1000 post competition. Make me laugh...

[Shambling Shaman]

Stewart and his wife Barbara go to the county show every year,

And every year Stewart would say,

" Barbara, I'd like to ride in that helicopter "

Barbara always replied,

" I know Stewart, but that helicopter ride is seventy quid,

And seventy quid is seventy quid! "

One year later Stewart and Barbara went to the show, and Stewart said,

" Barbara, I'm 75 years old.

If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance "

To this, Barbara replied,

" Stewart, that helicopter ride is seventy quid , and seventy quid is seventy quid "

The pilot overheard the couple and said,

" Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny!

But if you say one word it's seventy quid. "

Stewart and Barbara agreed and up they went.

The pilot did all kinds of fancy manoeuvres, but not a word was heard.

He did his daredevil tricks over and over again,

But still not a word...

When they landed, the pilot turned to Stewart and said,

" By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't..

I'm impressed! "

Stewart replied,


" Well, to tell you the truth

I almost said something when Barbara fell out,

But you know,

seventy quid is seventy quid! "

 

[swright81076]

Sent from my Galaxy Nexus using Tapatalk 2

 

[SiWhite]

Two birds on a perch. One says to the other 'can you smell fish?'

 

[DaveBromley]

I thought i'd have sneaky p!ss in the deep end of the local pool the other day,
that jobsworth life guard blew his whistle so loud........I nearly fell in!!

Dave

 

[Androo]

This one's gotta win allll the races...

(taken by me)

 

[Peteo]

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: ''Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!'' The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: ''The driver just insulted me!'' The man says: ''You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you.''

I went to the zoo the other day, there was only one dog in it, it was a ****zu.

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one - and let the other one off.

 

[Peteo]

A penguin walks into a pub and asks the landlord,
"Has my dad been in"
The landlord replies,
"What does he look like"....

.....Dyslexic man walks into a bra...

 

[cbr6fs]

Here's some of my faves pics and gifs i've stolen over the years.

This one cracks me up

These 2 are my faves though

Cheers
Mark

 

[British Red]

Why is there only one monopolies commission?

 

[Hushwing]

Old Paraig was stood looking over Castlebay in Barra. Along came his son and asks Paraig "What's wrong Dad, you look unhappy?"

Paraig replies "Och well son, do you see those houses down there by the bay there - I built everyone with my own bare hands - I placed the founds, the stone walls, the crook frame timbers and the heather thatch myself"
Son: "Aye I know Dad, but why are you unhappy..?"
Paraig replies "Do they call me Paraig the house builder - do they nothing"
Son: "Aye I know Dad, but why are you unhappy - you should be proud - you've achieved a lot..?"
Paraig: "look in the Bay itself - do you see all those fishing boats - I built them all with my own bare hands - I shaped the wood from timbers my father and his father had grown from acorn; I shaped the timbers after steaming them myself; I built the timbers together and caulked the spaces in between myself; then painted the boats with paints I made from natural plants and clays around the five islands myself. They are said to be the finest boats west of Stornaway"
Son: "Aye I know Dad, but why are you unhappy..?"
Paraig replies "Do they call me Paraig the boat builder - do they nothing"
Son: "Aye I know Dad, but why are you unhappy - you should be proud - you've achieved a lot..?"
Paraig "Do you see the piper for the great MacNeil of MacNeil stood proudly at the walls bringing God's music to the heathen? Well I made those pipes myself; tuned them with my own bare hands; sewed the leather bag together with the finest neatest stitching you can find anywhere; but not only that I then tuned them and taught young Ronnie the piper there how to play them - coaching him in all the known circular breathing methods you can get to make such music that it even brings a tear to the Meenister's e'e"
Son: "Aye I know Dad, but why are you unhappy..?"
Paraig Do they call me Paraig the pipes - do they nothing"
Son: "Aye I know Dad, but why are you unhappy! "
Paraig: "But when I sheg just one sheep........"

 

[Everything Mac]

A little 10-year-old girl was walking home alone from school one day, when a big man on a black motorcycle pulls up beside her. After following along for a while, he turns to her and asks, "Hey there little girl, do you want to go for a ride?"


"NO!" says the little girl as she keeps on walking.


The motorcyclist again pulls up beside her and asks, "Hey little girl, I will give you $10 if you hop on the back."


"NO!" says the little girl as she hurries down the street.


The motorcyclist pulls up beside the little girl again and says, "Okay kid, my last offer! I'll give you 20 Bucks 'and' a Big Bag of Candy if you will just hop on the back of my bike and we will go for a ride."


Finally, the little girl stops and turns towards him and screams, "Look Dad, you’re the one who bought the Honda instead of the Harley!


"YOU RIDE IT!"

 

[Elines]

Why not just give the prize to Decorum?

 

[Biker]

Here's some of my faves pics and gifs i've stolen over the years.

Cheers
Mark

That one had me laughing out loud. Good start to a Tuesday. Thanks Mark. Poor little bugger. you can almost imagine him just throwing in the towel and going back to bed.

One of my favs was always the tripped penguin gif

but it seems someone's taking it to a whole new level

 

[Ivan...]

INSTALLING SUMMER.
44% DONE .Install delayed... please wait. Installation failed. Please try again. 404 error ; Season not found. Season "Summer" cannot be located. The season you are looking for might have been removed, had it's name changed, or is temporarily unavailable. Pleases try again later, thank you for your patience.

 

[Bushwhacker]

 

[cyberwolfuk]

I thought i'd have sneaky p!ss in the deep end of the local pool the other day,
that jobsworth life guard blew his whistle so loud........I nearly fell in!!

Dave

don't know why but thought that was really funny lol

ok here 1

A man went to visit his 90 year old grandfather and while eating the breakfast of eggs and bacon prepared for him, he noticed a film-like substance on his plate. So he says, "Grandfather, are these plates clean?" His grandfather replies, "Those plates are as clean as cold water can get them, so go on and finish your meal." That afternoon, while eating the hamburgers his grandfather made for lunch, he noticed many little black specks around the edge of his plate so again he asked, "Grandfather are you sure these plates are clean?" Without looking up from his burger, the grandfather says, "I told you those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them, now don't ask me about it anymore." Well, later that day, they were on their way out to get dinner. As he was leaving the house, grandfather's dog who was lying on the floor started to growl and would not let him pass. "Grandfather, your dog won't let me out." Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching, his grandfather shouted, "Coldwater, get your bottom out of the way!"

 

[georann]

A policeman is doing his patrol, when a pickup truck full of penguins drives past.

He pulls over the truck and asks the driver "are those your penguins?"

The man Says "yes, they are my pets."

The policeman replies to the man "You need to take them to the zoo right now."

So the man agrees and drives off. The next day the policeman pulls over the same truck as he sees the truck go past again, this time with the penguins all wearing sunglasses.

The policeman says to the man "I thought I told you to take those penguins to the zoo!"

The man says "I did, today we are going to the beach!"

 

[pauljm116]

Just been thrown out and barred from the local swimming baths for no reason! When I got home I realised the S had come off my speedos.

 

[MartinK9]

 

[Mesquite]

[video=youtube;_6YFDcitE_4]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_6YFDcitE_4[/video]