Just saw this on FB from The Rochdale Herald. 
Stone Age Tribe Found Alive and Well in Burnley
Archaeologists were left “absolutely gobsmacked” this week after stumbling upon what is believed to be a fully functioning Stone Age tribe living in the heart of Burnley, blissfully unaware that the last 12,000 years had happened.
The discovery was made when a team of researchers, initially investigating reports of “strange grunting noises” near a local retail park, wandered into a secluded area behind a row of wheelie bins and found a small group of people fashioning tools out of broken paving slabs and worshipping what they referred to as the “Great Flaming Sky Ball,” known to locals as the sun.
Dr. Harriet Mason, who led the expedition, described the moment of contact:
“One of them approached us cautiously, holding what we later learned was a sacred ceremonial object. It turned out to be the lid from a 1998 Vauxhall Astra. Used for rituals. And barbecues.”
According to initial observations, the tribe communicates primarily through a series of expressive grunts, hand signals, and occasional shouted phrases that researchers have translated as “Go on then!” and “You what?!”
Despite their isolated development, the tribe has demonstrated remarkable ingenuity. They have created a sophisticated social hierarchy, with leadership roles determined by who can start a fire fastest using only a Tesco Value lighter with no fuel left in it.
Dr. Mason revealed that integration attempts are ongoing:
“We tried introducing them to modern conveniences. When we showed them a smartphone, they immediately attempted to use it as a chopping tool.
To be fair, that’s still better than how most people in Burnley use theirs.”
Local authorities have cordoned off the area while experts determine how the tribe managed to remain hidden for so long. Early theories include excellent camouflage, frequent local power outages, and the fact that “nobody looks behind the wheelie bins anyway.”
The Burnley Council has issued a statement urging residents not to feed, photograph, or attempt to domesticate the newly discovered tribe. They also confirmed there is no danger to the public, as the tribe “mainly keeps to itself unless approached with offerings of meat pies.”
Anthropologists are calling the discovery “the most significant find in British prehistory,” while Burnley residents have mostly responded with confusion, asking:
“Is this going to delay bin day again?”
Stone Age Tribe Found Alive and Well in Burnley
Archaeologists were left “absolutely gobsmacked” this week after stumbling upon what is believed to be a fully functioning Stone Age tribe living in the heart of Burnley, blissfully unaware that the last 12,000 years had happened.
The discovery was made when a team of researchers, initially investigating reports of “strange grunting noises” near a local retail park, wandered into a secluded area behind a row of wheelie bins and found a small group of people fashioning tools out of broken paving slabs and worshipping what they referred to as the “Great Flaming Sky Ball,” known to locals as the sun.
Dr. Harriet Mason, who led the expedition, described the moment of contact:
“One of them approached us cautiously, holding what we later learned was a sacred ceremonial object. It turned out to be the lid from a 1998 Vauxhall Astra. Used for rituals. And barbecues.”
According to initial observations, the tribe communicates primarily through a series of expressive grunts, hand signals, and occasional shouted phrases that researchers have translated as “Go on then!” and “You what?!”
Despite their isolated development, the tribe has demonstrated remarkable ingenuity. They have created a sophisticated social hierarchy, with leadership roles determined by who can start a fire fastest using only a Tesco Value lighter with no fuel left in it.
Dr. Mason revealed that integration attempts are ongoing:
“We tried introducing them to modern conveniences. When we showed them a smartphone, they immediately attempted to use it as a chopping tool.
To be fair, that’s still better than how most people in Burnley use theirs.”
Local authorities have cordoned off the area while experts determine how the tribe managed to remain hidden for so long. Early theories include excellent camouflage, frequent local power outages, and the fact that “nobody looks behind the wheelie bins anyway.”
The Burnley Council has issued a statement urging residents not to feed, photograph, or attempt to domesticate the newly discovered tribe. They also confirmed there is no danger to the public, as the tribe “mainly keeps to itself unless approached with offerings of meat pies.”
Anthropologists are calling the discovery “the most significant find in British prehistory,” while Burnley residents have mostly responded with confusion, asking:
“Is this going to delay bin day again?”
