I'm currently spending a lot of time at home as I'm about to retire (woo-hoo!), move to Scotland (McWoo-hoo!), and start retraining with a degree that is utterly unrelated to anything I've done before. 
That's by-the-by, though. As I've been packing and cleaning, writing letters and lists, etc, I've been going through lots of bushcraft DVDs and videos. What strikes me is that, although there are unique aspects to each presenter and type of series, there is a hell of a lot of repetition.
There seems to be either the history-based stuff that's interesting but, other than a few generalised lessons, there's little practical skill to be learned. On the other hand is the pure, dry skills-related programme, which can sometimes feel like the 'Readers Digest Step-by-Step Guide To ...'.
Watching bow drilling for what seemed the 154th time ('...and when you see smoke, increase the pressure and effort until your heart fails...'), I got round to thinking about what I would really like to see in a series or one-off programmes.
So, here's my 'dream sheet' (TV execs, if you're listening....):
Personally, I'd like to see a skilled presenter working alongside a novice in a variety of UK-based locations (as most of us practice bushcraft in the UK). Examples:
You can see that there is progression from seaside to mountain. Clever, eh?
The theme tune will not include violins, traditional instruments or folk tunes from around the world. In fact, as a British programme, I might indulge myself with something from the 'Wedding Present', circa 'Bizarro' era ... or, then again, perhaps no music as we just want to get on with the programme!
Each programme would start with an introduction to the local environment and any specific conditions for that area that would effect how bushcraft/survival is successfully achieved. The bottom line is that everything needs to be shown in the right context, with as little repetition between programmes as possible.
The skilled presenter would introduce a different kind of shelter, common and easily identifiable food sources (for different times of year), and bushcraft skills specific to that environment. The novice would learn, make common mistakes and these mistakes would be corrected, clearly and simply, by the presenter.
Whilst the novice is off making a nob of himself, the skilled presenter might introduce a less survival-orientated and more 'crafty' skill (weaving, cordage, clothing, completing a Short Tax Return, etc). There will be no - and I mean absolutely no - bl**dy spoon carving. That will be a legal requirement.
In order to seize the 18-34-year-old viewing demographic, there will be no more than 30 seconds of the presenter feeding the novice random bits of plant/insect/animal/litter/roadkill that he has found. There will be close ups of the novice pulling faces and saying things along the lines of ... oh, I dunno ... how about 'It tastes like snot'? The novice would then have to eat snot to confirm his original comment.
In the meantime, the skilled presenter will whip-up something from sorrel and twigs that Heston Blumenthal would be proud of. The novice won't be allowed any.
We'll cover hunting for they types of animal usually found in the UK (cows, pets, horses, pre-prepared microwave meals). This will include spending hours buiding a bear-sized pit trap, probably resulting in capture of a shrew. This will then be speared with a weapon made from a broom handle and large Rambo-style knife. The fight sequence will last about 45 seconds, and will include slow-motion high-definition parts - with dramatic music - where the novice gets injured.
Although the novice will need hospital treatment, the presenter will attempt to apply first aid using dock leaves, fungi, the power of positive thought or, perhaps, sarcasm.
[Note to self: may need more than one novice]
There will be a 3-minute segment where the novice asks a daft question, showing that he has done no research, really hasn't thought his question through, or used the 'Search' facility on a well-know bushcraft website. The question will be along the lines of 'Should I buy ventile underpants?', 'What colour hair is best for bushcraft?', and 'I got a plastic knife with my dinner on an aeroplane in-flight meal - is it any good for bushcraft and how do I sharpen it?'
The novice will then be flamed by a selection of bushcraft armchair experts. And deservedly so.
There will, of course, be the occasional but utterly obvious cases of product placement. No surreptitious, subtle stuff here. We're talking about proper 'Buy this, or you'll die' stuff. BCUK makers are encouraged to contact me with information on their products and a Paypal contribution (remember to mark as 'Gift').
One programme could be entirely dedicated to waiting for a small cup of water to boil over a home-made meths stove. The presenter would then encourage the novice to drink chemically-tainted pine needle tea :tongue-ti , while he tucks into a Starbucks grande skinny cappucino with hazelnut syrup and extra chocolate, made from his wood-powered expresso machine, the Bushbaristacon (see 'Product Placement' above).
Podcast Bob can do a programme on 'The Making Of...' but I want at least a fiver or some free kit from www.backpackinglight.co.uk. That's www.backpackinglight.co.uk (see above for 'Product Placement' issues)
Each programme would finish with a brief summary of what has been learnt and the key lessons. As the titles roll, the skilled presenter would be seen beating the novice with a hand-whittled baseball bat for daring to try and carve a bl**dy spoon!!! I said, no bl**dy spoons! <smack> :twak:
And the name of this groundbreaking, potentially award-winning programme?
I originally thought 'No Bl**dy Spoons!' but settled upon:
So, what else do you want to see in my new show? Obviously, any good ideas you come up with will immediately become copyright to me although you may get an 'Executive Producer' credit if you're lucky.
PS - I won't say whether I'm the skilled presenter or novice dim-wit.
PPS - Tony, I will be requiring my own sub-forum, so if you could crack on with that and I promise to wear my BCUK badge in the programme.
PPPS - Remember, no bl**dy spoons! :twak: :twak: :twak:
That's by-the-by, though. As I've been packing and cleaning, writing letters and lists, etc, I've been going through lots of bushcraft DVDs and videos. What strikes me is that, although there are unique aspects to each presenter and type of series, there is a hell of a lot of repetition.
There seems to be either the history-based stuff that's interesting but, other than a few generalised lessons, there's little practical skill to be learned. On the other hand is the pure, dry skills-related programme, which can sometimes feel like the 'Readers Digest Step-by-Step Guide To ...'.
Watching bow drilling for what seemed the 154th time ('...and when you see smoke, increase the pressure and effort until your heart fails...'), I got round to thinking about what I would really like to see in a series or one-off programmes.
So, here's my 'dream sheet' (TV execs, if you're listening....):
Personally, I'd like to see a skilled presenter working alongside a novice in a variety of UK-based locations (as most of us practice bushcraft in the UK). Examples:
Beach/Coast
Marsh/Lake/River
Deciduous (sp?) Woodland
Suburban Garden (clever one, this - most of us do bushcraft in the garden. Know your audience, ladies and gentlemen. Know your audience.)
Pine Forest
Hill/Mountain
You can see that there is progression from seaside to mountain. Clever, eh?
The theme tune will not include violins, traditional instruments or folk tunes from around the world. In fact, as a British programme, I might indulge myself with something from the 'Wedding Present', circa 'Bizarro' era ... or, then again, perhaps no music as we just want to get on with the programme!
Each programme would start with an introduction to the local environment and any specific conditions for that area that would effect how bushcraft/survival is successfully achieved. The bottom line is that everything needs to be shown in the right context, with as little repetition between programmes as possible.
The skilled presenter would introduce a different kind of shelter, common and easily identifiable food sources (for different times of year), and bushcraft skills specific to that environment. The novice would learn, make common mistakes and these mistakes would be corrected, clearly and simply, by the presenter.
Whilst the novice is off making a nob of himself, the skilled presenter might introduce a less survival-orientated and more 'crafty' skill (weaving, cordage, clothing, completing a Short Tax Return, etc). There will be no - and I mean absolutely no - bl**dy spoon carving. That will be a legal requirement.
In order to seize the 18-34-year-old viewing demographic, there will be no more than 30 seconds of the presenter feeding the novice random bits of plant/insect/animal/litter/roadkill that he has found. There will be close ups of the novice pulling faces and saying things along the lines of ... oh, I dunno ... how about 'It tastes like snot'? The novice would then have to eat snot to confirm his original comment.
In the meantime, the skilled presenter will whip-up something from sorrel and twigs that Heston Blumenthal would be proud of. The novice won't be allowed any.
We'll cover hunting for they types of animal usually found in the UK (cows, pets, horses, pre-prepared microwave meals). This will include spending hours buiding a bear-sized pit trap, probably resulting in capture of a shrew. This will then be speared with a weapon made from a broom handle and large Rambo-style knife. The fight sequence will last about 45 seconds, and will include slow-motion high-definition parts - with dramatic music - where the novice gets injured.
Although the novice will need hospital treatment, the presenter will attempt to apply first aid using dock leaves, fungi, the power of positive thought or, perhaps, sarcasm.
[Note to self: may need more than one novice]
There will be a 3-minute segment where the novice asks a daft question, showing that he has done no research, really hasn't thought his question through, or used the 'Search' facility on a well-know bushcraft website. The question will be along the lines of 'Should I buy ventile underpants?', 'What colour hair is best for bushcraft?', and 'I got a plastic knife with my dinner on an aeroplane in-flight meal - is it any good for bushcraft and how do I sharpen it?'
The novice will then be flamed by a selection of bushcraft armchair experts. And deservedly so.
There will, of course, be the occasional but utterly obvious cases of product placement. No surreptitious, subtle stuff here. We're talking about proper 'Buy this, or you'll die' stuff. BCUK makers are encouraged to contact me with information on their products and a Paypal contribution (remember to mark as 'Gift').
One programme could be entirely dedicated to waiting for a small cup of water to boil over a home-made meths stove. The presenter would then encourage the novice to drink chemically-tainted pine needle tea :tongue-ti , while he tucks into a Starbucks grande skinny cappucino with hazelnut syrup and extra chocolate, made from his wood-powered expresso machine, the Bushbaristacon (see 'Product Placement' above).
Podcast Bob can do a programme on 'The Making Of...' but I want at least a fiver or some free kit from www.backpackinglight.co.uk. That's www.backpackinglight.co.uk (see above for 'Product Placement' issues)
Each programme would finish with a brief summary of what has been learnt and the key lessons. As the titles roll, the skilled presenter would be seen beating the novice with a hand-whittled baseball bat for daring to try and carve a bl**dy spoon!!! I said, no bl**dy spoons! <smack> :twak:
And the name of this groundbreaking, potentially award-winning programme?
I originally thought 'No Bl**dy Spoons!' but settled upon:
Mikey P's Guide to UK Bushcraft 
So, what else do you want to see in my new show? Obviously, any good ideas you come up with will immediately become copyright to me although you may get an 'Executive Producer' credit if you're lucky.
PS - I won't say whether I'm the skilled presenter or novice dim-wit.
PPS - Tony, I will be requiring my own sub-forum, so if you could crack on with that and I promise to wear my BCUK badge in the programme.
PPPS - Remember, no bl**dy spoons! :twak: :twak: :twak:
