The Pigging Canoes & Stupid Idea

[No Idea]

I hate pigging canoes.

I had one when I was a kid.

I tried to paddle it down a 6inch deep river using a couple of books as paddles…

It wasn’t very successful as the books fell apart.

I floated through a herd of cattle that were standing in the river and snorting at me.

I didn't see the barbed wire fence until I passed the cows.

The canoe had a top on it, so I couldn't lay flat.

I needed 3 stitches in the hole the wire made in my nose.

The kids at school didn't believe that even I could be stupid enough to tear open my nose on a barbed fence while herding cattle in a canoe, as one of them put it.

So they called me picky until the stitches were removed.

Pigging canoes.

 

[No Idea]

I didn't go near another canoe until I was about 25.

It was a rapids canoe.

This time I had a paddle too.

I wouldn’t have been driving up the road at just under 100mph, with it tied on the roof with bungies….That would be illegal. Obviously, if the canoe were to catch the wind and turn sideways….

I needed another car and gave up on Pigging canoes for another decade at least.

Pigging canoes.

They are absolutely lethal

 

[No Idea]

Pigging canoes.

I got another pigging canoe for one of the step kids to play with.

Im not admitting that I managed to tip it over in the middle of a bay that was only 3 ft deep and couldn't manage to get it back up.

I am not admitting that my rear is sooo big that I got stuck in it

Im definitely not admitting that I nearly drowned before I got free.

The wife and kids couldn't stop laughing about me getting stuck and couldnt take any more pics...

They told everyone they met about it for the next couple of weeks.

Stupid pigging canoes.

 

[No Idea]

I think they are unbelievably dangerous and should all come with a “beware of drowning sticker”.

I believe that all canoes should be designed to a minimum width of 4 foot to limit the possibility of anyone with a huge rear getting stuck.

Pigging canoes...

 

[John Fenna]

Hold hard with trashing canoes!
Canoes are the transport of Gods
Kayaks on the other hand are the Devils own implements of torture and should be driven from our rivers, estuaries and seas! (except propper Sea Kayaks they are fit to survive )
Kayaks are for getting wet in: Canoes are for getting places in

 

[No Idea]

No doubt you can imagine how delighted I was when my little ones both decided that they love canoes and wanted to have some to play with.

They have that horrible yellow one I found in the council tip to play with in the river, but they both want one, which is a pain as Im just not ever going to buy one new.

Pigging Canoes.

 

[No Idea]

They have been paddling windsurf boards for the last couple of years…

Apparently, its just not the same

Irritating.

 

[No Idea]

Seems the kids really want to go and have adventures lasting days on canoes.

Im sure its just because they know they frighten me.

They want to start by pushing the canoes in on the left side of this bridge at high tide..

The water here is duck poo green and full of killer swans....

 

[No Idea]

They want to continue down the river with the current,

between the lines of parked boats - which no doubt cost millions each time a kid pokes a canoe through one...

 

[No Idea]

On through this place with the yacht club full of targets...

and off to the mud....

 

[No Idea]

I hate these mudflats.

This is where the kids went walkabout and went wandering about in the mud, and i broke the rudder on the boat trying to get to them.

Oh, and then it got dark and we got towed back....

 

[No Idea]

They want to paddle round this corner, where I had a mishap with a friend in a power boat...

We were spinning doughnuts and hit our own wake. The boat pivoted round and went backwards into the water - ripping the transom - the bit with the motor fixed on right off the boat.

I hate swimming too.

The bank at he end of the yellow line is thick mud. I got stuck in that once when trying to find somewhere to go hammocking.

I hate mud.

 

[John Fenna]

No!!!!!!!!!!!:yikes:
Those evil craft are KAYAKs! AKA "Spawn of the Devil"
Hate them with my blessing but PLEASE do NOT call them CANOES!
DESTROY THE KAYAK - Praise the canoe
If you ever get to West Wales call on me and I will show you how wonderful a craft a canoe is ...you can even sail them!

 

[No Idea]

They want to paddle down behind these two islands.

The top one is where the wife left her pigging purse, and the bottom one is where I parked until I stopped shaking after nearly decapitating some woman on her own boat.

This place makes me a bit jumpy even in a boat where my rear actually fits.

 

[No Idea]

Next they want to paddle out to the point where we ended up after Little Idea ripped the spreaders off his little boat when he pitchpoled it..

They will probably want to stop for more jaffa cake and winegum sandwiches...

 

[No Idea]

Then on through this bit of choppy water over sand dunes and mud...

Its got bits of inch thick wire? poking out of the water here, which frightens the life out of me when I forget its and sail through it with the dinghy. It makes really nasty tearing noises as it hacks at the hull

 

[v-ness]

A new thread??
Brilliant!!!

Cheers
Ness

 

[No Idea]

And then on to the beach at Bramble bay....

Just over 10 miles of panic in a boat half the width it should be with the tide trying to drag them out to sea, with the wind trying to turn them over and drown them by making waves....

 

[No Idea]

Ive got a much better Idea!

Lets just drive from the quay at Wareham, across to Stoborough, up the hill, possibly stop at the Halfway Inn for a shandy, turn left when we see Corfe Castle, keep going up past the golf course to the ice cream van...On through Sudland, past the most expensive fuel station on the planet - oh and the shop full of chocolate and on to Bramble Bay to see the sunset...

That way I dont have to go near a piggin canoe or even get a little bit wet.

 

[No Idea]

Which led me to a bit of a dilemma…

Obviously, the kids need another canoe, and I need to find some way to go with them – in case they do something else stupid without getting my rear anywhere near a canoe.

Or I could find someone else daft enough to go with them – who isn’t quite so daft as to do anything to dangerous…

Hmmm....
Nope.

The wife cant swim.

This could be a bit of a challenge.

Pigging Canoes.