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Stoopid jokes

Discussion in 'Other Chatter' started by nickliv, Dec 4, 2010.

  1. ickyan

    ickyan Forager

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    what do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs............. still no idea
     
  2. shogun

    shogun Need to contact Admin...

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    what..do..you..call...a.dog..with..No..legs..and..metal..balls..running..down..the..road.....SPARKY!!
     
  3. R3XXY

    R3XXY Settler

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    :yelrotflm:yelrotflm:yelrotflm#51 made me laugh out loud
     
  4. brambles

    brambles Settler

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    Four guys have been going to the same fishing trip for many years. Two days before the group is to leave, Ron's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.

    Ron's mates are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do. Two days later the three mates get to the camping site only to find Ron sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and dinner cooking on the fire.

    "Wow Ron, how long you been here? How did you talk your missus into letting you go?"

    "Well, I've been here since last night. After dinner at home yesterday evening, I was sitting in my chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said, 'Guess who?'

    I pulled her hands off, and she was wearing sexy brand new lingerie. She said she had been reading 'Fifty Shades of Grey' and she had a devilish look in her eyes!!!

    She took my hand and led me to our bedroom. The room had candles and rose petals all over.

    On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes!

    She told me to tie her up and cuff her to the bed, so I did.

    And then she said, 'Do whatever you want.'

    So . . . . here I am!"
     
  5. abominable_scouse_monster

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    I wish my Cigars where Emo, they would cut them selves.
     
  6. Opal

    Opal Native

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    A policeman came to my house, showed me a picture and asked, “Is this your wife, Sir? I answered, “Yes.” Then he said, “I’m afraid it looks like she’s been hit by a bus.”

    “I know, but she’s good with the kids” I replied.
     
  7. Zingmo

    Zingmo Eardstapa

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    They have stopped selling lucozade in boots....


    ...it kept running out of the lace holes.

    Z
     
  8. rik_uk3

    rik_uk3 Banned

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    I always go the extra mile .............................. the restraining order says I have to.
     
  9. rik_uk3

    rik_uk3 Banned

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    I've been offered eight legs of venison for £40.......... is that too deer?
     
  10. rik_uk3

    rik_uk3 Banned

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    I'd just started duty on the ward and saw a new patient standing by his bed, gripping the bed rail, knuckles white and his eye bulging out. I asked the doctor what was wrong with the patient and he said he'd been admitted with a persistent, loud cough. "What have you given him to stop the cough" I asked

    "Fifteen laxative tablets......he's too scared to cough now"
     
    Native Nathan likes this.
  11. Manacles

    Manacles Settler

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    what do you call a deer with no eyes no legs and no genitals,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,still no ******* idea
     
  12. Manacles

    Manacles Settler

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    Excellent!
     
  13. oldtimer

    oldtimer Full Member

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    near Oxford and Pyrenees-Orientales, France
    Q What's grey and has a trunk?
    A A mouse going on a cruise.

    Q What's brown and has a trunk?
    A A mouse coming back from a cruise.

    Q What has two legs and flies?
    A A pair of trousers.

    (I knew 30 years experience in Primary Education would come in useful someday!)
     
  14. Manacles

    Manacles Settler

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    And in the same vein:

    What has six wheels and flies round? A dustcart......
     
  15. Lister

    Lister Settler

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    What goes from green to red at the flick of a switch? Kermit the Frog in a blender
     
  16. mrcharly

    mrcharly Bushcrafter (boy, I've got a lot to say!)

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    What's black and white and red all over?


    A newspaper
     
  17. swright81076

    swright81076 Tinkerer

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    A penguin walks into a bar and says the the landlord,
    "Has my dad been in?"
    The landlord replies,
    "what does he look like?"

    touched by nature
     
  18. Imagedude

    Imagedude Full Member

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    I went into a bookshop yesterday and said, ' I hope you don't have a book on reverse pyschology. '


    Every day is ground hog day for me. I work in a factory making pork sausages.


    At the Severn Bridge in my Lada, the attendant said, "£5.40." Not believing my luck, I said, "Sold."
     
  19. S.C.M.

    S.C.M. Nomad

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    What's black and white and black and white and black and white?
    A penguin rolling down a hill

    Why do elephants paint their feet yellow?
    So they can hide upside-down in the butter

    someone did the elephant in the fridge one, followed by the zebra one, so:
    There was a big party on the Savvanah, eveyone came, apart from one animal, which one?
    The zebra, it was still in the fridge

    Knock knock
    Who's there?
    Amos
    Amos who?
    a mosquito just bit me!

    Knock knock
    Who's there?
    Ana
    Ana who?
    an another one too!

    How do elephants climb trees?
    Sit on an acorn and wait til it grows

    How do they get down again?
    Sit on a leaf and wait for autumn.

    What do you call a one-eyed dinosaur?
    A Doyethinkesaurus

    What do you call a man with a spade in his head? Doug!
     
  20. The Big Lebowski

    The Big Lebowski Bushcrafter (boy, I've got a lot to say!)

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    That made me chuckle! :)

    A ham sandwich walks in to a bar, and the bar man says 'sorry mate, we dont serve food'
     

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