Stoopid jokes

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Bigfoot

Settler
Jul 10, 2010
669
4
Scotland
What kind of biscuits fly?

Plain ones!

And the shortest joke in the world :-

A man walks in to an optician's

Ooof!
 

Harvestman

Bushcrafter through and through
May 11, 2007
8,656
26
55
Pontypool, Wales, Uk
A horse walks into a bar, and orders a pint. The barman say "So, why the long face?"

A polar bear walks into a bar and says "I'll a have a pint please, and .... . . . . . . . . .... a packet of crisps"
"Certainly sir" says the barman, "But why the big pause?"

A skelteon walks into a bar and orders a pint and a mop.
 

Melonfish

Bushcrafter (boy, I've got a lot to say!)
Jan 8, 2009
2,460
1
Warrington, UK
a man walks into a bar, suddenly the cigarette machine shouts "OI! FATTY WANT A PUNCH IN THE MOUTH?!"
he skirts round the machine and sits at the bar where a bowl of peanuts states "My aren't we a handsome chap, i do like that jacket on you"
So he says to the barman "What gives?"
"Well" says the barman "The cigarette machine is out of order and the nuts are complimentary"
 
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drewdunnrespect

On a new journey
Aug 29, 2007
4,788
2
teesside
www.drewdunnrespect.com
another version of cyclepath joke

the m25 was sat in the bar and this piece of tarmac walks in and says i am the m1 and i am the hardest piece of tarmac in the land no one is harder then while he is having a drink the m25 walks over says excuse me but i am the m25 and i am the hardest piece of tarmac in the land not you

so this starts an argument at the bar and everyone is getting involved saying who the thinks harder. Then it all goes quiet alll of a sudden cos this red piece of tarmac walks in and ask for a whiskey and downs it and leaves. then once this has happened the m25 turns back to the m1 and he isnt there instead he is sitting like a scaredy cat behind the bar pooing himself so m25 burst out laughing and says i thought you was the hardest piece of tarmac in the land. and the a1 shakely says i am but still you dont mess with him he's a cycopath
 

Paul72

Nomad
Jan 29, 2010
280
0
Northern Ireland
What's white and swings through the jungle?

Tarzan's fridge


What's blue and white and swings through the jungle?

Tarzan's fridge wearing a denim jacket
 
A woman's dog is drowning in the sea. A passing German tourist dives in, pulls out the dog, resuscitates it and saves its life.


'Are you a vet?' asked the woman

'Vet?' said the German 'Im f...ing soaked!'



A rather disheveled man is stopped by the police around 1 am and is asked where he is going at this time of night.
The man replies,“I am going to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body”.
The officer then asks,“Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?”


The man replies,“My wife.”
 
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Melonfish

Bushcrafter (boy, I've got a lot to say!)
Jan 8, 2009
2,460
1
Warrington, UK
At the start of ww1 a father approaches his son to explain he has to go and fight for his country. Nodding his son asks that he brings him something back from the battlefield perhaps a German army helmet you know the one with a spike on. And so weeks later on the mud soaked field of Flanders the father sees a German helmet lying in the mud. Bending to pick it up he finds that it is stuck. Until he sees there’s still a German solider attached to it.
'if you pull me out of ze dirt, you can tek me prisoner' says the german. 'If i pull you out can i have your helmet for my son?' asks the brit. 'Ja be my guest!' replies the german.
And so with great effort he begins to pull the solider from the ground. But after 1/2 an hour hes only got the german out to his waist. 'Im bloody knackered' says the brit catching his breath.
'Vud it help', replies the german solider, 'iff i took my feet out of ze stirrups?'
 

No Idea

Bushcrafter (boy, I've got a lot to say!)
Sep 18, 2010
2,420
0
Dorset
Due to the hight number of teenage pregnancies, the government has decided to get all companies to distribute free condoms.

In exchange for meeting the cost of doing this, the companys will be allowed to print their logos on them.

The condoms are just becoming available from the first few outlets.

Lloyds, the home of the horse

McDonalds, Im loving it.

Nike, just do it

Burger king, the home of the whopper

Ariel, another load off your mind

Abbey National. lifes complicated enough

Duracell, just goes on and on

Sainsburys, taste the difference

Tescos, very little helps....

Pringles and Polo have been asked not to participate.
 

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