Stoopid jokes

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Bishop

Full Member
Jan 25, 2014
1,716
691
Pencader
Oh how I loved that first snow fall of winter as a child.
I would run to the back door pounding upon it with my fists and screaming like a banshee


YOU KNOW THE DEAL.......... LET ME IN!
 

Keith_Beef

Native
Sep 9, 2003
1,366
268
55
Yvelines, north-west of Paris, France.
I recently had to complete a claim on my home insurance after a burglary.

I made a list of all that was taken and then stated that I had left the back door unlocked because I am a clairvoyant and I saw it was going to happen. And I didn't want the door getting damaged.


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk

Last night, I went down to the weekly meeting of the local clairvoyants' club only to find the door locked, and a paper pinned to it saying "tonight's meeting cancelled due to unforeseen circumstances".
 

Leshy

Full Member
Jun 14, 2016
2,389
57
Wiltshire
It was autumn, and the Indians on the remote reservation asked their new Chief if the winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he was an Indian Chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets, and when he looked at the sky he couldn't tell what the hell the weather was going to be. Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he replied to his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect wood to be prepared.
Being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is the coming winter going to becold?"
"It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold indeed," the Meteorologist at the weather service responded. So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more wood in order to be prepared.
One week later he called the National Weather Service again. "Is it going to be a very cold winter?" he asked. "Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied, "it's going to be a very cold winter." The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of wood they could find.
Two weeks later he called the National Weather Service again. "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?"
"Absolutely," the man replied. "It looks like it's going to be one of the coldest winters ever."
"How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked. The weatherman replied, "The Indians are collecting firewood like crazy".
 

oldtimer

Full Member
Sep 27, 2005
3,186
1,801
82
Oxfordshire and Pyrenees-Orientales, France
The Navajo shaman was being pressed to deliver a spell to provide much needed rain.
He got a group of young warriors to dress all in white clothes and two tribal elders to wear long white robes and straw hats. He then went to a sacred field and planted three sticks at either end and got the elders to stand where they had a good view of them. The young warriors were told to spread themselves around the field. Then he told two older warriors to get their war clubs and be ready to defend the sacred sticks. Finally, he got the best marksman in the tribe to throw a small rock wrapped in leather from one of the sets of sticks and aim at the other set.
At the moment everyone was ready to do his bidding, the heavens opened and the much needed rain arrived.
As the elders congratulated him he modestly said, "It's a spell I learned when I was in England and visited a holy shrine called Trent Bridge."
 

Insel Affen

Settler
Aug 27, 2014
530
86
Tewkesbury, N Gloucestershire
It was autumn, and the Indians on the remote reservation asked their new Chief if the winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he was an Indian Chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets, and when he looked at the sky he couldn't tell what the hell the weather was going to be. Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he replied to his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect wood to be prepared.
Being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is the coming winter going to becold?"
"It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold indeed," the Meteorologist at the weather service responded. So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more wood in order to be prepared.
One week later he called the National Weather Service again. "Is it going to be a very cold winter?" he asked. "Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied, "it's going to be a very cold winter." The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of wood they could find.
Two weeks later he called the National Weather Service again. "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?"
"Absolutely," the man replied. "It looks like it's going to be one of the coldest winters ever."
"How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked. The weatherman replied, "The Indians are collecting firewood like crazy".
Told our Canadian exchange officer this today.... he laughed and said its probably closer to the truth than you might think.

Sent from my SM-G920F using Tapatalk
 

GuestD

Need to contact Admin...
Feb 10, 2019
1,445
700
My motorcycle is great for getting to the front of queues. Frightens the woman at the Post Office counter though.

A waiter asked me if I had any questions about the menu. I asked him "what kind of font is this?"

Boss asked me how I performed under pressure. Not good I said, I'm much better at Bohemian Rhapsody.
 
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Woody girl

Full Member
Mar 31, 2018
4,520
3,460
65
Exmoor
What's green and goes up and down?
Kermit in a lift

What's blue and sits in a corner?
Kermit in a plastic bag

What's green and red and goes round and round?
Kermit in a liquidiser:yuck:

(I think the sun got to me today. We had at least 20 mins of it)
 
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GuestD

Need to contact Admin...
Feb 10, 2019
1,445
700
I bought a jig saw puzzle. It said "3 to 5 years" on the box. I did it in 18 months.

How bad were things before sliced bread ?

I got beaten up by an orchestra. They had a history of violins.
 
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