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Discussion in 'Other Chatter' started by nickliv, Dec 4, 2010.
What do you call a man with a car number plate stuck to his head?
My wife thinks I'm too drunk to take the goldfish for a walk.
I'll show her...
I met a bloke in the pub last night, he tried to sell me eight venison legs for 80quid, is that too deer.
What's the difference between peas and bogies, you can get kids to eat peas.
Did you know six out of seven dwarves aren’t happy.
I use to be schizophrenic, but I’m better now ,,,,,,,, so am I.
what do you call a man wearing a raincoat? Mac
what do you call a man wearing 2 raincoats? Max
What do you call a man wearing 2 raincoats standing in the middle of a cemetary? Max Bygraves
someone asked me a question the other day , What do you know about dwarfs ? ........... Very little , i replied
just sold me hoover on ebay , it was just collecting dust in my house anyway
My wife says that fish are fit. I threw our goldfish on the lawn. It only managed 2 sit-ups.
Got stung by a bee today.........
.....£8 for a jar of honey!
What do you call a fly with no wings ..... a walk.
So this dyslexic fella walks into a bra...
Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and thinks 'Dam!'
Fella walks into a bar with a lump of tarmac under his arm... "Barman, beer please... and one for the road"
Two chess champions are staying in the same hotel... they meet in the lobby one evening and start to argue about who's had the best career.
Hotel manager storms into the lobby and tells them both to leave. They look at him puzzled and ask why.
He replies "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer!"
Did you hear about the insomniac dyslexic agnostic?
Lies awake at night wondering if there's a dog.
Two Aberdonian loons are having breakfast in a Parisian cafe whilst on holiday.
The first says "Sandy! Ye ken whit? I think that waitress fancies me."
"Fit macks ye say that Iain?"
"Weel, when she asked how many eggs I'd like fir mah breakfast I said twa. And ye ken whit? She brocht me THREE!"
I'll get mah jaiket!
Sent via smoke-signal from a woodland in Scotland.
Hunter: Did anyone see where that deer went?
Deer: I think I ate too much my tummy feels like it's about to explode.
Hunter: oh dear
Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk
A ship is slowly sinking and there are no lifeboats, no chance of rescue.
A woman runs onto the deck, strips completely naked and proclaims "If I'm going to die, I want to feel like a complete woman! Is there a man here that can make me a complete woman?"
A man walks slowly up to her, removing his shirt as he gets closer before offering out his hand and replies "Here, iron this."
Why did the mushroom go to the party?
He was a fun guy.
Schrödingers cat walked into a bar.....and didn't
If you ever get cold, stand in a corner.
They are 90 degrees usually.